When did you start feeling suicidal?

[Sigh_Sigh_Sigh]

I first felt suicidal shortly after I finished college without passing my course. I had no job for 3 years and felt completely empty inside. I now work but I still feel a sense of emptiness and that I don't belong on this Earth.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Shortly after HS when college wasn't working out and it became abundantly clear I wasn't meant to be here.

 

[Fwompje]

I think my first thought of "it would be better if I were dead" was when I was around 9. I was bullied at school and neglected at home.
I started getting my longer term suicidal ideation at 14. Developed further mental health issues, psychosis, SH addiction, stil neglected and bullied, etc.

I wish I hadn't been born.

 

[Avyn]

Since I was 12 years old. Started because of my family and friends

 

[TamiyaTiger]

Last year of high school, I couldn't cope with being around people, and my social skills and ability to manage being a part of society were non-existent. Was on disability income, just hid in my room for years, no friends or dating or anything. I had friends for a bit but I drove everyone away by being an unstable creep. Things got a bit bitter and I can manage decently, usually manage not to creep people out too much and can kind of hold a job, but I'm just too far behind in life, I hate being nearly 30 with no social life and no career.

It doesn't feel worth living when you never get to feel like you really fit in or are a part of anything.

 

[Sparr0w]

i first attempted at age.... what, 12, 13? i think i first got the thought in my head age 12, kinda hard to remember now.

i remember that i realised that i didn't think i'd feel sad if a family member died (grandparent i saw once a year died about 6 months ago and felt nothing, so... half-confirmed?) and i felt like i must be a monster and that i should ctb. ...turns out i'm just autistic.

that being said, i also remember that at some point when i was like 5 i wanted to know what came after dying, i recall really vividly trying to think of a way to word a letter thatd be like "sorry for dying but im gonna know if theres an afterlife :D ill be back", so it kinda feels like im fated to ctb rofl.

 

[Yuki K]

When I started getting bad grades, became worse at sports and co-curricular activities and then lockdown hit. Because I was sitting at home all day, getting no exercise my health worsened, and my body changed along with it. I started hating myself and my body and realised just how useless I had become. That was probably the start

 

[LunaXCBN]

When I was around 14-ish. I was blissfully ignorant up until then about how much life sucks and how much my disorders would affect my life.
I'm now 19. It's been 5 years, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

 

[StillBreathing]

After my parents divorced in my early teens. I had to physically prevent father from CTB by shotgun. This is not the cause of my depression but it made a big impact on me at that time, especially living with separated parents who would not speak to each other. My father would drink until he passed out every day leading up to the attempted CTB. My mother ignored him, me and my siblings completely. She was more interested in chatting and visiting her new boyfriend.

I did not understand the pain my father went trough at the time but I do now that I've grown up. Thankfully he recovered and is enjoying his life now. I tried to forgive my mother but I still can't speak to her to this day.

 

[FuneralCry]

I at least know that I've never wished to exist at all, and I've always found so much comfort in the thought of nonexistence which lead to me thinking about suicide methods as a result when I got a bit older.

I believe that in my case thoughts of suicide are just the natural response to me existing here in this world, I personally just don't like life in any way and existing could never appeal to me. I don't wish to suffer in any way and I've never seen myself as being meant for this world. No matter what, permanent nonexistence will always be the most perfect and ideal option for me.

 

[Darkover]

at 18 after a relationship breakup

 

[downndone2]

Early 40s after ruining my life with awful decisions.

 

[burglarlydante]

When I was around 10 i became depressed, abouty 14-ish I became suicidal and attempted suicide when I was 16 and went to a hospital, I attempted suicide again when I was 18 and now I'm just mentally insane

 

[Ghostofthepast]

At about 7 I was molested the year prior and ever since then I have been

 

[theboy]

13 o 14 años aprox
but since I was a small child I have suffered from depression.

 

[gotomrg]

when i was about 8 or 9 years old. i remember googling stuff like how to ctb and what do i do if i want to ctb. when my mom checked my search history she got really mad and said i had no right to google that.

 

[Alltheywanted]

At about age of 11 when my mother told me she doesn't want such a son. Back then i was very attached to her and those words made me feel unworthy of life.

 

[mongoose23]

I was 10 years old when I realized I was depressed. Started having suicidal thoughts at that age, and they've been something that I've lived with up until now as an adult.

 

[Veraz]

I think mine started around middle school. Being autistic, I already knew I was different from the kids around me and didn't fit in. I'd known that since kindergarten. Middle school is when I started to have the creeping realization that my life would consist of nothing once school was done. Everyone around me had dreams and things they wanted to do with their life... and I didn't. Everyone around me was starting to be interested in relationships with the opposite sex (or even same sex) but once again... I didn't.

Ironically, my high school days were some of the best years of my life. For the very first time I was beginning to feel like I fit in. I was even making friends, started getting good grades, things were looking good. Then the school board screwed me. Some things completely out of my control happened, and next thing you know... I don't get to have a senior year. Was forced to graduate early at the beginning of my junior year.

That was 10 years ago, and even now at the age of 27, it feels like that was probably the day I died. The little bit of hope I started to have was completely snuffed out. To this day I still have no interest in a career or relationship. Yet I can't find anything else to fill the void with. What else am I supposed to do with the rest of my life then? If I could have figured that much out, I probably wouldn't have ended up on SaSu, lol.

 

[lost-unfound]

the first thoughts happened at age 9-10, I guess it got more serious at age 13-14, first attempt (albeit poorly planned) was at age 15

 

[Depresso]

First started feeling suicidal around 14-15, but always had something to focus and be optimistic about despite it being a very faint voice in the back of my head. This feelings just grew louder and louder the older I got and being emotionally abused and taken advantage for 3 years was the massive tipping point to my suicidal feelings.

 

[CyberCat95]

Fairly young. I remember telling my mum I wanted to die when I was 8 and being serious about it, she cried and gave me £20 not to tell my dad. I just didn't understand how the world works and how I'd cope once I was an adult. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 17 and attempted later that year. Been self harming since around then too. Had a few months where I actually felt good about things in uni but then got r worded and that knocked me a bit, moved back home in the middle of a manic episode and things just got worse from there really. Things are slightly better now in some ways but worse in others. Suicidal thoughts are worse than in years

 

[tieiwi]

I think 9 lol… my abusive mom would take her anger out on me for silly things and I remember thinking "well if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with any of this". From that point on I wished I was dead.