Discussion When did you/ Have you stopped looking for happiness/ recovery?

[Forever Sleep]

When I was younger- 20's, 30's, I was more open to trying to create change. To believe that things could get better. That I could feel happier. I was certainly buying self help books in my 20's. I eventually saw a therapist in my late 20's, early 30's. I hoped that the diagnosis of mild to moderate depression they refered me to my GP for would result in me popping the pills they prescribed and, turning things around.

In reality though, I just struggled on. The pills did nothing. The one thing that continued to help me was being creative. That continued to be my crutch for a good decade. I think maybe it's been the last 3 years I've begun to lose faith in everything. I certainly don't have the strength or motivation for big change again now. It was actually a massive relief some years back when I decided that I would only put pressure on myself to keep treading water. The prospect of trying to push for massive change- again feels too much.

Now, I start to wonder if any other course in life would have made me happy. I have a feeling, not.

How about you? Is there any hope left you could still be happy? Was there a specific time or event that made you lose faith/ the will to try? Maybe you've always felt a happy ending was unreachable?

 

[NonEssential]

For me the road to healing feels blurry, I have no idea where to start nor do I feel like I have the energy for it.
I tried to get better by going back to school and talking to a psychologist, but it didn't really help me. I was suggested to visit a hangout lounge where people met every other week, but I didn't really talk to anyone except for one girl who quickly lost interest. Now, I'm not sure if I have the energy to try anything else.
I dunno if I should be put on medication, because I'm already taking epilepsy medication and I don't want to keep paying for even more pills.

 

[wham311]

November. Id never been happier. Career had been working for 11 years, was philanthropic and donating to homeless, had friends and hobbies.

Overnight everything ended and I realized I had backed myself into a bunch of corners over the years. It's just insurmountable.

Every day I start to make progress on both and escape plan and trying to move forward but I just cannot cut employment or relationships. I am terrified of even interviewing at this point and I'm really not good at anything. I cannot imagine having to get up at 6 am everyday showering breakfast driving working.

I've tried accounting, sales, reception, fast food, restaurant, data entry, entrepreneurship, employment. Only thing I could handle was gig work and that's not profitable anymore. I'm physically weak, I'm not a naturally hard worker or good teammate, and im too fucked up now to get past an interview. And my resume is absolute balls.

Unfortunately I can't ctb either because my stomach doesn't work with sn.

Unless maybe it does? :(

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I gave up on recovery about 3 or 4 years ago. I am not recoverable. I can be maintained in my current state but that's the best I can hope for now.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Probably in my early 50's, when I really felt the shift to having most of my life in the rearview window no matter what. I realized nothing really matters so it's a big SO WHAT for me now. But I have nothing to recover from, because to me the word "recover" means going back to a situation where I would have been "happy" or more "normal", but I've always been like this, and I'm fine with that.

 

[brokencookie]

I'm kinda on the verge of giving up now.
I always try to gaslight myself into getting better but the worse it gets, the more I lose hope and therefore I'm just waiting for the right time to finally ctb or starving myself to death.

I honestly don't care if my friends and family get sad if I'm gone. The pain is just to much to bear. Also they'll move on. My life wasn't too bad before my incisent, I didn't accomplish anything "meaningful" or great, but that's not for people like me with unvearavle pain that keeps you from doing anything atp. I'm lucky I can still write and infact wasting my last spoon on this lol

I still try to find ways to get out, it has to be. Otherwise I don't know how to keep going.

I don't want any positivity, I'm past that.

 

[Hollowman]

Many years ago.

 

[xiaoxiongmao]

I gave up in late May, when my ex left me because of my mental health issues.
He made me realize that I biologically needed him—not pills—to feel happy and I can't depend my happiness on a person (especially a very selfish one).
His actions also made me feel sure that my mental health issue is just too much and the best option is to cease existing.

Side note: he cheated on me before but I was willing to work things out. But according to him, depression is unsolvable but infidelity is.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

nothing matters to me , not "being happy" not "go enjoy yourself" not "go have children" "get a gf" nothing. nothing matters to me except avoiding extreme pain.

anything that would make me fleetingly "happy" like eating food or watching a youtube video are just addictions. and these are not worth the worst pain.

i keep forgetting how bad pain is. every time i experience just a little second of a little pain i am shocked beyond words how bad it is. just today of course i was trying fix another broken crap the crap car. i don't know anything about cars . but it was hot of course and i was trying to grab a part with my hands and i rested part of my hands against the hot metal of the car engine parts and i was shocked beyond anything how bad that was i couldn't bear to keep my hands there . so that's why there is a thing as unbearable pain you can't bear to keep suffering it another second. but the thing is i was able to stop it by pulling my hands away. and that's always been the case it's only a few seconds and i've been able to move away from the pain but there will be a time when i can't move away. now this engine was hot but not as hot as say a 300 degree oven or red hot stove burner or red hot griddle. imagine the pain of putting one finger on a scalding metal 300 degree oven and having to keep it there for a minute . then your whole hand on red hot metal over coals having to hold it there how painful is that what is worth that . what about your whole boy on red hot metal skin on metal like the brazen bull torture what 's worth 10 seconds of that , 10 minutes. so i'm going to be "happy" duh i'm watching a stupid youtube video wating for toture to get me like that is that crap click bait video or sanwich were worth that kind of pain . it's not

all i have is the memory that i had the words i typed above but my brain cannot recreate that feeling i had when i felt that pain. all i have is a vague memory that is was bad like i would never want to suffer a second of it. and it didn't even burn my hands just felt hot but painful .

i reject this evil world and evil life in every way . i would never want to do anything they tell you we have to do or should do like get married , have children , be happy , enjoy yourself, go watch youtube social media tv sports etc.. i rebel against all of it.

i would never want to be happy or do anything in this evil world and evil life .

 

[Higurashi415]

I don't know that I have. There is always a part of me that wonders if maybe there really is a magical substance that could actually fix my brain without fucking up pretty much anything else... or maybe I'll get diagnosed with ADHD and eventually take Adderall, that would at least improve my performance. I'm 25, my brain has pretty much stopped developing at this point, and yet my mental health keeps getting worse and worse as time goes on.

 

[Bad Ending]

Less than a year ago since my neurological condition got worse

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Honestly, I don't know. I want to feel better, but I can't picture how I could ever reach that from where I am now.

I think that, for me, it's not much "giving up" as "letting go". I think it's more like slowly being weathered away as time passes, as opposed to a specific point. I'm just trying to wait at this point, but given how long I've already been waiting, I don't know how much longer I can. The more time that passes, the more my hope seems to erode.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I will start by saying that I started being suicidal in my early 20s, then I tried desperately to fix my depression issues while things got progressively worse. Job, family and relationships have been a total failure. Then at 40 I suddenly found myself in a hospital bed staring at the ceiling, waiting for the morning for my surgery because I had cancer. At that precise moment I realized that there was no easy way out. The fear, pain and humiliation I felt during those days in the oncology ward, traumatized me so much that inexplicably I wanted to beat the cancer. After months of therapy I was cured, but I realized that I really wanted to die and so from that moment I gave up.

 

[Scythe]

I guess I can say I'm happy where I am? I gave up on recovery, years back, but that doesn't mean I can't still try to be happy.
Yes those are two different things for me because I want to die because I don't want to work. There's other things that contribute to my suicidal state and depression but my life is worth living currently where I am at. I'll still likely die at an early age since I gave up on recovery, but the journey doesn't have to shitty. Plus, honestly, to me, suicide is my happy ending.

 

[OvercastingClouds]

Me personally I just mentally given up. My depression made me apathetic, although I do want to "get better", I seem to have trouble doing so.

Only recently I decided to see a doctor because I can't keep sitting in my room doing nothing forever as an adult. Had some hope because I finally came out about my depression after years of supressing it. Was given meds(weren't even the right ones so did nothing). Then was referred to a lcsw, thinking maybe it'd help. But I realize I shouldn't get my hopes up, as I realize my problems is much more deeper and I'd be better off seeing a psychologist, which I can't afford. Lcsw only gave surface level info, very short sessions, don't feel like it would really do much for me.

So I realize now I just gotta give up and just try my best on my own. I have no connections or any support systems. I'll just hope to get some antidepressants and free ball from there. I'm lucky that I have my mother as a backbone to rely on when trying to like learn o to adult and stuff, and she understands me so I'm not worried, but I can't keep doing this forever

 

[usernamesarehard]

How about you? Is there any hope left you could still be happy? Was there a specific time or event that made you lose faith/ the will to try? Maybe you've always felt a happy ending was unreachable?

There's hope, but I have very little faith that that hope will actually bring anything into fruition. I'm working hard for all the good that'll do. I'm going to get my degree and apply for jobs, but I just don't believe that any company outside of the city I'm in will actually hire me. The same thing happened two years ago. I applied to every electrical job in the state where I want to go and have family in, so I could crash with them for a while, I got nothing. I had to take a job here because of debt. This time I'll apply to any job relating to my degree in any state. I'll have a good amount of money saved up, so I'll be able to move. It might end up being expensive, but oh well.

I'm dealing with my first break up. I'm doing ok with that, cutting all contact DOES help a lot. But I've tried to get out there and find someone else and I'm just becoming more depressed and jaded. I've been on tinder for 2 months now, which isn't a long time, but I only got one offer for a date by a guy I wasn't all that interested in. Which I guess would be expected if I wasn't talking for a month or two with multiple guys. It just all feels like a waste of time. Like all I'll ever do is talk on that app and never actually get a date. Don't have too many friends, so that's not a resource I can use.

IDK, I don't want to ctb, but I also don't want to be stuck in a city I hate or spend the next 10-20 years of my life alone. I might try to stick it out until 2027 and if by the end of the year I can't get either a job out of this city or a boyfriend just ctb.

It feels like things never actually get better, you just get better at deluding yourself into believing that things will get better or coping. I'm just tired of lying to myself. I'm 22 and I see a lot of older people here say to try to stick it out and hopefully things will get better, so I'm trying to give myself more time, but I'm just tired man. Ultimately not getting a way to get out of this city will be the final nail in the coffin.

 

[tvisongur]

I bounce between feeling "recovered" and something happening to send me back down this road. I think my willingness to keep going is a lot like my financial situation (which frankly is contributing strongly to me being on here right now), in that any time it gets stable or starts improving, either some external factor outside of my control ruins it, or I do something stupid and ruin it.

When I'm "recovered" I think I'll never be back like this again and that I can survive future knocks no problem. When I've been knocked, I don't necessarily plan to do anything but I spend a lot of time thinking about it and researching it. I think one of these knocks, I'll probably end up going through with it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I first gave up over 20 years ago... I accepted what my life was going to be and managed to find a path through the suffering and climb back out of the hole and build a new career and existence for myself. I never thrive, only survive.

But last year my illusion was shattered and I was forced to realize that I can't keep on pretending just to survive when I realize there is no chance ever to thrive, to live. And so I gave up for the second time last year.

I will give up for the third and final time, hopefully soon, definitely sometime this summer.

 

[just a bird]

There was a conversation about what "better" was. They said maybe it didn't exist. Or maybe when someone first asked if I just wanted to be miserable. I have stopped trying.

 

[Dejected 55]

There was a conversation about what "better" was. They said maybe it didn't exist. Or maybe when someone first asked if I just wanted to be miserable. I have stopped trying.

Nobody wants to be miserable... I hate when people ask me that sarcastically or say "if it makes you happy..." like it looks like I enjoy whatever it is going on in that moment.

I do know "better" is relative... and it might be possible on some level for things to get "better"... but I know I've reached a point where just "better" isn't a goal worth achieving. Just being technically or marginally better than miserable is too low of a bar I think.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I gave up after my attempts at recovery actually worked -- to an extent. I was "happier," I felt lighter, I could go a whole day without thinking about suicide. I was "getting out there," trying new things, meeting new people (and being open to befriending them), and travelling to new places.

But somehow that happiness always just felt...empty. I "felt" happy, but I wasn't happy, if that makes sense. I was putting in all this effort, all this energy, and getting nothing back...

Eventually, I burned myself out and crashed into the worst depression I'd had in years, ultimately culminating in a (failed) CTB attempt. Now that I've seen what a good life is like, I have no interest in it. I just want out.

 

[laceydreams]

when nobody wanted stay around me, this was in 8th grade. I'm 21 now.

 

[Raindancer]

About 2 years ago and I honestly don't know why. Really bad things had happened but I had the resolve to do better. I got divorced and my ex let the house go into foreclosure. I was too ill to work hadn't for a while. But I somehow got myself moved into another home and started my own small business where I could work or not ans my health dictated and for years things weren't wonderful but I was surviving. Two years ago I just lost the ability to cope. I began getting severe anxiety that I never had before. My health deteriorated but that was expected, but each time something happened I was less able to cope. Now I hang on by my fingernails surviving minute to minute.

 

[kunikuzushi]

There is no hope left that I can be happy. Good things happen to me and I feel nothing. I don't even want to be happy after knowing how terrible life can get and how easy it is for things to get worse. Every time something good happens to me, it gets taken away and I feel unbearable pain. Why would I keep repeating this? And it's a fact that a person will lose everything that makes them happy, either through abandonment, accidents, nature, the passing of time, etc. You lose everything in the end. So why continue trying to be happy?
In my 20s I desperately clung to the idea of finding happiness. But now I don't want it at all.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do know "better" is relative... and it might be possible on some level for things to get "better"... but I know I've reached a point where just "better" isn't a goal worth achieving. Just being technically or marginally better than miserable is too low of a bar I think.

I'm having this realisation too. That all I'm really able to comfort myself with is- imagine all the ways this could be worse. In fact- could well become worse though. Living because things: 'aren't as bad as they could be' is such a shitty standard to accept.

 

[darksouls]

due to a long serious illness and unbearable pain I had to have both female breasts amputated in 2024
after the amputation I realized I had no chance of recovery