Venting What's the point?

[unlovableseabunny]

It's been forever since I've touched my account here I've had something on my mind. I lurk almost everyday and I can't keep it in.

I just constantly wonder, do I have a purpose in life right now? I feel next to nothing everyday of my life. I've spent the last few days drinking, and just feeling sorry for myself I guess. I've been dealt a very shitty hand my whole life, from experiencing shit no child should, to it carrying on into my adult life.

I know that I am luckier than people who went through what I did. I know that I'm better off but I can't help but feel such a deep sense of hopelessness. I have opportunities, yes, but So what if im going to be in the Marines? I don't see a life past that. Once I'm home from everything I might as well just kill myself.

Nobody would congratulate me, Nobody would care if I left right now. I have nobody waiting for me at home, or anywhere else.

I am being enlisted in July. Once I'm back I plan to have take the money I get after either buy a gun, or SN and just get it over with. I am just terribly selfish, I always have been.

I Can't tell anyone I know or ask for help. I do enough to bother everyone, there's no point in asking people to pity me. I don't feel anything at all.

 

[scuz]

hello fellow lurker!

I would just like to say that you should not feel selfish for wanting to escape an awful life that you were given, and you truly shouldn't devalue your trauma by stating that you are 'better off' than other people.... you are valid in your desires for both escape and life, regardless of the circumstances of others.

If you do want to consider living, I would deeply recommend checking out the recovery threads (my recovery is almost solely from viewing those threads)

If not, I hope you are able to find peace in your struggles and are able to accept that you are not selfish for your actions

I have opportunities, yes, but So what if im going to be in the Marines? I don't see a life past that.

^^^ I'd say it is definitely a good choice to wait until after doing your service though, if you have an opportunity lined up you might as well see what happens :)

best wishes and good luck!