Venting What's the point of trying to be better when I just relapse back into the same mentality? Life feels worse.

[dumblosergirl]

This is a vent post.
I have been on this site for years and in the beginning I was in a very dark time in my life and I was seeking means to end it.

After that I have started to take care of myself and managed to lose weight and feel somewhat stable with who I am. Honestly, suicidal thoughts were a thought in the back of my mind. I was proud.

Flash forward to today, I left my job because it was becoming too draining physically and mentally. I gained all my weight back plus more. Stopped caring about myself. I live on my own too and I have become reduced to asking my family and friends for money. I am actively looking for a new job. I apply to so many every week. Try to go in person to the places to express my interest and I have not heard back from anywhere. I'm only recieving denial emails and with each one it's taking a punch out of my self esteem. I feel so incredibly lonely in my situation and even though I have my friends and family, the weight of my loneliness is too much and thus I have relapsed into my dark thoughts again.

The world is so cruel to make you think that life is gonna get better and then it just drops you flat on your face again. Why is it that suffering and anguish get to last so long but happiness only is a small reward? I am too weak for this world because it's so cruel. It's so mean. Why is adult life just struggling 24/7 if you aren't lucky financially or physically?? Is money the root of all happiness?? I can't afford medication or therapy!! I'm struggling so much!! I'm so alone

 

[tonicer]

I struggle with finding a job too. I must have send out over 500 applications over the past 3 years and i went to at least 30 interviews but i always get a negative reply. I studied and it was a struggle for me but i got it done and i even got good grades plus i got the required certificates. I guess the people from companies can somehow see how cursed i truly am?! I have no other explanation as to why i get rejected all the time. I know i am ugly but why does that matter for a damn IT support position?! Most of the work is done via telephone, email or remote anyway. It's not like i am want to be a greeter at a fancy restaurant.