what’s still holding you here?

[020x]

just like me, majority of the people here came to find similar people with same opinions because the anti-suicide media is extremely disappointing and hopeless.

yet. i didn't gain more courage to actually do what i was hoping for. the only thing i gained was simply relief. relief of finally being home. with people that understand me and that don't act like everyone irl and on the media.

my patience is very strong, i'm a calm person, i believe i gain nothing from ctb'ing because sadly i won't even know that i succeeded (can't be proud of what you can't witness). life is testing our patience, it's like it's trying to give us something new to suffer with after we overcome one thing, it gives another. suffering is part of our life, not the whole point of it. it's not supposed to torture us every single day. whether it's physical pain, mental illness, traumatic memories, extreme thoughts and stress, and yet still most of us are still here.

so back to the main question. what's holding you here? is it the things you love to do? family? lack of courage to actually ctb? patience? something else?

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

I commit every now and then (like every few weeks) but I also appreciate helping others with there suicides.

 

[saddestbunny]

family is the only reason I survived this long and I don't want to let them down

 

[soonatpeace777888]

My grandfather, hes 79 and very religious so he thinks I'm going to burn in hell if I kill myself. Not sure how much longer I can last though.

 

[020x]

My grandfather, hes 79 and very religious so he thinks I'm going to burn in hell if I kill myself. Not sure how much longer I can last though.

Do you believe the same thing? Also, what's bothering you if you don't mind telling?

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Nothing actually. I distanced myself from my family, my wife left me, and my cat just died. Really want out myself, but the method eludes me. Tempted to try the exit bag method for some peace. My family will be upset, and my coworkers will probably be shaken too. I'm ready though.

 

[NambaSutra]

Fear. Every time I look at and contemplate my method, I get afraid. Some stubborn thing in my head says don't do it. Even though I know everything is shit and the suffering would end.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

My grandfather, hes 79 and very religious so he thinks I'm going to burn in hell if I kill myself. Not sure how much longer I can last though.

In some religions suicide is a forgivable sin. Also if you're a Christian they teach that Jesus died for all of our sins. So rest easy that you're forgiven for what you do.

 

[bedhead_baby]

My dogs, my mom, and the fact that I go from completely ready to terrified of death multiple times a day. There's also some books I'd like to read, but every horrible day at work reminds me that I'll have to do it eventually. I can't keep on seeing what I see and feeling what I feel.

I also have this weird obsession with losing weight before I die, because I've seen overweight bloated corpses and it's awful. I wouldn't care, of course. I'd be dead. But I think about it obsessively. As well as my body on an autopsy table, even though I'd request no autopsy, no funeral, and no coffin in my note. But I don't know how much of that would be respected.

 

[lovesickmoon]

i think what kept me going for so long was hope. the first time i thought of killing myself was when i was 9. i am 22 now and ive had a couple attempts. but i think with each fail i liked to believe there was a reason for it. im giving it my last shot at life. 1 more year and if what i did to make it better doesnt help, i am very set on ending things.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Do you believe the same thing? Also, what's bothering you if you don't mind telling?

No, I am an agnostic leaning towards atheism. But I do think there are many benefits to religion and think many aspects of Christianity (and other religions) are beneficial and worth examining. But I always found the ideas of heaven and hell to be unrealistic.

In some religions suicide is a forgivable sin. Also if you're a Christian they teach that Jesus died for all of our sins. So rest easy that you're forgiven for what you do.

Yes, some forms of Christianity do say that. Catholics also have pergatory which means that at least eventually you get to go to heaven.

 

[StolenLife]

I want to finish University.

 

[020x]

Fear. Every time I look at and contemplate my method, I get afraid. Some stubborn thing in my head says don't do it. Even though I know everything is shit and the suffering would end.

I also fear the process of dying by my method, while fully knowing how it will end my suffering in just couple seconds. Simply because sometimes, even seconds feel like forever.

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

I think is because I don't want my mom and dad to have a trauma, I'm a bit weak for them and I can't stan watching my mom suffering by my fault.
Also even though I wish to die very often I also get scared of death itself sometimes.
As well as I sometimes get scared that if I do CTB the pain will be unbeareable or that it would leave a permanent damage to my body or stuff like that if I don't do it properly or get saved. Sometimes I think life now is hardly bearable to have to struggle with to then have to endure it way much worse.

 

[imcurious]

I think it's my age, most days. I am about to graduate from college and I want to try my hand at a career, owning my own home, maybe entering a fulfilling relationship. I just want to see what life could look like post grad. If it doesn't turn out much better then well CTB does provide me some comfort and relief

 

[FinalFrontier]

My family, I will be a burden in death as well as in life

 

[StarlightDreamer]

My mom, my friends, and my dreams of becoming a writer again someday. Those are the big ones, really.

That said, my chronic illness ensures my own story won't have a happy ending.

 

[lilac]

Fear. Every time I look at and contemplate my method, I get afraid. Some stubborn thing in my head says don't do it. Even though I know everything is shit and the suffering would end.

Ive felt this way a lot. I want to die so bad but then SI kicks and I just can't. It's so frustrating, and I feel so weak for not being able to beat it

 

[WantsToJumpAlready]

My best friend - can't do that to her. I cry just thinking about her reaction.

 

[loopdaloop]

Si held me back from kicking the bucket for 2 years... I'm just setting deadlines, chickening out of cowardice and procrastinating it because hanging looks so painful. I would be gone long ago if I had a less painful method to use.

 

[mob]

My two kittens, nicotine and my partner.

 

[palesky]

hope used to, but now even though i have hope im ready, i just dont have an accessible method im ready to use (pain is a big no for me)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

so back to the main question. what's holding you here? is it the things you love to do? family? lack of courage to actually ctb? patience? something else?

What things are keeping me here, that's good question. Well actually since some time I'm not as suicidal as I was when I joined this great refuge here. The real reasons are unknown to me. But what's keeping me here and making me hesitate is mainly family, probably still too much hope left, because everything else could just be great here if I just found a good and suitable way to turnaround this fucking downward spiral I'm trapped in.

 

[020x]

What things are keeping me here, that's good question. Well actually since some time I'm not as suicidal as I was when I joined this great refuge here. The real reasons are unknown to me. But what's keeping me here and making me hesitate is mainly family, probably still too much hope left, because everything else could just be great here if I just found a good and suitable way to turnaround this fucking downward spiral I'm trapped in.

Hopefully you'll find something that will break you free from the pain you're trapped in. Best wishes and be stronger than ever!

 

[アホペンギン]

just like me, majority of the people here came to find similar people with same opinions because the anti-suicide media is extremely disappointing and hopeless.

yet. i didn't gain more courage to actually do what i was hoping for. the only thing i gained was simply relief. relief of finally being home. with people that understand me and that don't act like everyone irl and on the media.

my patience is very strong, i'm a calm person, i believe i gain nothing from ctb'ing because sadly i won't even know that i succeeded (can't be proud of what you can't witness). life is testing our patience, it's like it's trying to give us something new to suffer with after we overcome one thing, it gives another. suffering is part of our life, not the whole point of it. it's not supposed to torture us every single day. whether it's physical pain, mental illness, traumatic memories, extreme thoughts and stress, and yet still most of us are still here.

so back to the main question. what's holding you here? is it the things you love to do? family? lack of courage to actually ctb? patience? something else?

There used to be things i loved to do. I used to have hobbies. A few months ago, i lost all motivation to do anything and i really don't enjoy what i used to love anymore. I don't necessarily have anything keeping me here, in terms of relationships or hobbies. All that is keeping me here is lack of materials. As soon as i get what i need, i'll be long gone, lol.

 

[020x]

There used to be things i loved to do. I used to have hobbies. A few months ago, i lost all motivation to do anything and i really don't enjoy what i used to love anymore. I don't necessarily have anything keeping me here, in terms of relationships or hobbies. All that is keeping me here is lack of materials. As soon as i get what i need, i'll be long gone, lol.

Same boat buddy Mind telling more about your method?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm only still trapped here as after all suicide is purposely made so difficult in this hellish world, the problem lies in how peaceful and reliable suicide method options are restricted and how we are expected to be prisoners to this existence until we cease existing anyway. I despise how there is a lack of acceptance towards the right to die, as humans we deserve the option to permanently escape from all the suffering in peace.

 

[020x]

I'm only still trapped here as after all suicide is purposely made so difficult in this hellish world, the problem lies in how peaceful and reliable suicide method options are restricted and how we are expected to be prisoners to this existence until we cease existing anyway. I despise how there is a lack of acceptance towards the right to die, as humans we deserve the option to permanently escape from all the suffering in peace.

Can you share your own story of what makes this life a nightmare for you personally? Of course, I will respect if you would like to keep your personal stuff to yourself. But i'm just curious as you are a very well known member on this forum with many posts.

 

[FuneralCry]

Can you share your own story of what makes this life a nightmare for you personally? Of course, I will respect if you would like to keep your personal stuff to yourself. But i'm just curious as you are a very well known member on this forum with many posts.

There are many reasons why existing truly is so terrible and feeling this way is just having awareness, there is nothing desirable about having the ability to suffer endlessly, trapped in a decaying flesh prison that we are slaves to, destined for nothing but to be tortured by old age.

I see existence itself as being the true problem as it's the source of all suffering so of course it's such a nightmare feeling trapped here, I could never wish to decay from age and suffer in the process, existence is a nightmare as there is no relief from ourselves and our thoughts, only death can bring relief for me. I just think being conscious and aware is a nightmare, I've only ever wished for nothingness, there's so much dread as to what lies ahead in this unpredictable existence where there is unlimited potential to suffer all while being aware of how futile everything is.

 

[アホペンギン]

Same boat buddy Mind telling more about your method?

Its SN. Im traveling abroad right now and i cant buy SN right now and if i could buy SN, i still wouldn't because i don't want to get in trouble or anything. And i also need to buy metoclopramide and more ibuprofen, i can only do that in my home country.