Discussion What's keeping you guys alive?

[cat2932]

Music

 

[Catch-22]

Simply put the absence of being alone.

 

[Saturn_]

Deluding myself into the idea that it will ever get better (deep down I know it won't because of my circumstances).

 

[fleetingnight]

Fear, and jealousy of everyone who's accomplished things with their life

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I know this is the Suicide Discussions section of SaSu, but I'm in a very good place mentally right now. What's keeping me alive? Multiple things and people - my recovery partner, my parents, my cats, the hopefully awesome things awaiting me in the future, even if they might be challenging and come with some suffering, as well as small things like traveling, tattoos, music, art, vegan food, the little things. As of now, I would CTB only when I had no one left and/or I would be too ill or disabled to take care of myself during old age. So yeah, I do have hope now. Sorry if I sound too optimistic for this section.

That's nice, I think it's okay because this is about what's keeping you alive, which could be positive or negative.

 

[Dark Moon]

I don't really have any options other than hanging, failing the attempt and being in a worse situation and possibly the family.

 

[_Minsk]

Not sure tbh, maybe waiting for the right time

 

[katyusha_kat]

Can't afford to travel to ctb in the method I would like, fear of failing any other method and ending up more ill than I already am (I have two chronic illnesses, one of which will eventually disable me).

I told myself if my life hasn't improved before I begin the next decade of my existence, then I'll get a ticket to [location I don't want to say in case it's against the rules] and ctb there. So I have about three years, give or take.

 

[hagelslag.muncher]

My cats. The thought of them being confused, afraid, and sad when I'm gone makes me feel bad. I also don't have access to reliable CTB methods.

 

[sugarh1gh]

Lack of ingredients yet.

 

[UmbraDweller]

Fear of the unknown. Not knowing for sure if I'll succeed, being scared of the consequences if I fuck it up. The uncertainity of what comes after death.

I think also the fact that my life isn't too bad yet to feel motivated enough. Like, in my head I want to do it 100%, but I'm missing that pushing factor maybe.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

False hope and Sonic music.

 

[hachiware]

not too suicidal atm, but I know I won't be able to plan things out properly when I start feeling suicidal, just want to do my research properly and have everything planned out and ready when the time comes

 

[Confront4283]

Anxiety, I want to make 100% sure that it's what I want. The fear of the unknown also holds me back.

 

[Unsure and alone]

I'm actually in a bad state of mind and overthinking this a bit.

The last few days.
I think what's keeping me here is

1. I'm supposed to talk with someone soon. I think I want to ask them why ? If I was dead and you had to give reasons why what would you say ?

Sadly life is so lonely such conversations are scheduled and no real names.

Is what it is though huh ?
Better than nothing anyway.
It's part of why I'm definitely grateful for SaSu.
It's different here from there but still a place that's desperately needed.
For several reasons.

2. I've identified a source of stress that might be a large trigger in my already hard feelings.

So since there's no going back after suicide.
I guess I should stick around to see how I feel after it's over.

It will be over soon.

I don't really have hope but I'm trying to keep in mind it might not go according to all my worst fears.

Probably won't actually.
Probably won't go well
But probably not like all my worst fears.

So I guess overall just some frail considerations are keeping me around at this moment then .


Maybe the desire will grow less
Maybe it won't.

I'll let when it's time to leave keep being undecided for now.
I'm living just 1 to 3 days at a time.

Sure I schedule past that.
But nothing I'd stay for past that.

As I wrestle with the pros and cons of suicide and the vague dreams of a future I can't see.

That big last dream I've talked about in previous posts ?
Turns out they are going to make it a yearly thing it looks like so that's a factor I should consider in suicide . Given how close I'm living to the ledge .
Would I even want to consider trying to hold out another year ?


It would help the others.

I said I wouldn't stay for them.
Not anymore...
But I do still want to protect them.

So it's complicated.
Isn't it always though ?

 

[progressingdeath]

I'm waiting for my mom to pass and also I still have some hope that my relationship will improve so I won't be alone, love and be loved, our plans for the future will come to fruition, I will not end up completely homeless, and feel happy instead of a hazy zombie with bursts of happiness like I do now.

Otherwise I'm waiting for my mom to die or for my relationship to completely fall apart and end up on the street. The only thing that keeps me together is that I still wake up next to the person I love and am working to have a future together with regardless of our issues.

 

[deadtrace]

Fear. I can't push myself to do anything difficult and that extends to CTB. I panic over everything and I'm too scared to commit to anything.

 

[krispfoca]

I can't get anything without people finding out and the stuff that I could try either would probably fail or be horribly gruesome and also result in me being found out before I could actually do it

 

[Little_Suzy]

My bed feels like a coffin. Cozy, pillowy, luxurious, and relaxing.

It's like you're dead, but you can still eat!

 

[Forever Sleep]

Obligation and fear.

 

[femaletwink]

A mixture of feeling the time is never right and the vain hope it'll get better even though I know deep down it won't.

 

[maneose]

i have to remind myself that there is a 97% chance that i will most likely survive if i ever were to ctb, the fear of brain damage and disability has overall outweighed my want to die. more positively, i have to think about my family particularly my little sister and i can't imagine having to put her through something that traumatic. she's been able to go through life without (as fair as i know) intense pain or trauma like i did and i want to keep it that way. i remember when my mom found out about my self harm that she said that i should be a good example for my sister because what if she started doing that too? i feel complicated of having this position of having to be my best self because of my role as an older sibling, but i always think back about those words and fear that my sister might follow me someday. on my good days when outside i realize how special life really is and seeing all the different types of organisms and life there is, being able to spend the time with others and just appreciating that we live on a planet that allows life to exist and i live in a safe place helps ground me :]

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I didn't mention, another fear is that my only method I have access to at the moment is a shotgun, and that would be gruesome.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

I made the mistake of going to the hospital when I was ready to ctb and now I have no freedom. I just completed a bunch of legal shit so I am finally able to be out from under big brother.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

 

[teqeri]

Mama. She doesn't have an easy life either, and if I were to leave i think she might too. And even if i were dead, knowing that i let that happen would break me.

 

[tomthemouse1]

Thinking it will be better/ maybe tomorrow will have everything be fixed.

Also not in a that desperate position enough so my SI still making me alive

 

[peacetoall]

My Mother. My oldest brother took his life and I saw how badly it hurt my Mom. I can't put my Mom through that so I am waiting until she goes. She is 79.

 

[JRE75]

Just the fear of a failed attempt or that the method will be painful, even though I chose SN. Nothing keeps me hoping to live anymore. For a while I did it for others (girlfriend, family, son), but it is unsustainable, it is not possible to live dead inside. I am a 49 year old man, probably if I were in my 20's I would give life a chance, because it really gives twists and turns and surprises.

 

[totheendofinfinity]

I don't have a way out :(