What’s it like to not want to die?

[feels_like_rain]

It blows my mind that so many people go through life without the option of suicide ever crossing their minds. Like, i know as a kid i didn't think about it, but it's been in the back of my mind for so long now, i literally do not remember what it's like.

I don't ACTUALLY want to die. Not right now. I wouldn't even consider myself suicidal.
But i fantasize about it so much. What it would be like, what comes next, etc.
I wonder how it would feel to take that SN and feel my body shutting down. To get beyond the point of being able to call for help, and just continue shutting down during those last few minutes. Would i even be aware that it's happening?
I wonder how it would feel to drown in the ocean, how it would feel during those last few seconds where you know it's the end.

I've been wanting to try just a little SN, just to have some idea of the feeling. And i know it's THE WORST IDEA and i could accidentally die, but i'm just so curious.
And i want to feel something other than miserable. I'm not miserable all the time but i'm going through some shit right now, and i have no solution.
That's what i'm missing, is a healthy solution. I had recently found something i thought could help heal my mind, and it did for a while, but even that isn't bringing me the joy that it was. There are things i enjoy, of course, but nothing that really clears my mind. So i fantasize about the only solution i can think of.

And there are people who just… DON'T have these thoughts on their mind all the time. People who come up with rational solutions to their problems. Or they don't come up with solutions but still aren't obsessed with the idea of suicide. How?? HOW do they do it?! I'm not actually asking… that's probably a question for my therapist lol. I just wonder what it would be like to not have these thoughts, you know?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah- it totally baffles me. They seem like a different species to me! I'm sure they're thinking the same thing though- we both think the other is delluded/ crazy to some degree I expect.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm in a similar position. I was someone who had a good future, his life in front of him. etc... Then I was the victim of crimes. My life, future, family/friends were robbed from. I have no support, I am completely broke/homeless. Despite having an undergraduate degree and being in medical school and having literally 0 criminal record I am completely unemployable for anything resembling a good job. No help nothing. . Even the doctor's/medical health professionals I don't feel like cared I was just a name on a list. Here have some drugs. Acting like it will help me. It didn't. I feel forced into it. If I CTB it's not me ending my life it's me being killed by society and their apathy. I did as much right as someone can do in life and I am now being punished for it. I wish society had the balls if they are going to force me into it to do it themselves.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that wishing for suicide is a logical response to having awareness of the fact that existing here is truly something so harmful and futile, it's irrational wanting to exist in this hellish world where there's unlimited potential to suffer and we are destined for nowhere but to be tormented by old age, we are just waiting around to die.

I know that in my case I've never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of permanent nothingness, actually wanting to stay here would be absurd to me personally, I don't understand what's supposedly so appealing or desirable about existing, for me the only relief lies in death.

 

[jemetire]

Yesterday I felt this way but now I am suicidal again.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

For most of my life I didn't want to die (early). How does it feel? Well, thoughts/ideas about death / dieing itself just weren't present in my mind. That was when everything went well for me and I liked to live my life.

Now it's the opposite.