What's holding you back from CTB?

[Catching_the_bus]

What's currently holding you back from Ctb right now... For me personally its fear of failing and guilt of leaving loved ones behind on this planet particularly my daughter (I didn't chose to bring a child into the world but unfortunately she was conceived when I was SA'd 4 years ago) I would never willingly bring a child into this cruel world and I hate myself every day because I know that this world is only getting worse and I'm the one who brought her into this awful existence because my poor judgement and risky behavior led to me being SA'd ... I had a recent attempt with SN and almost succeed but was found too soon... SI isn't a huge issue for me anymore thankfully but I still keep having second thoughts about another attempt because I don't want to leave her on this hellish planet alone.... However I know that I truly don't want to be here and that CTB is the only solution to my pain... I'm so torn and it's only making me more depressed...

 

[stoopid]

The SN is not even shipped
Hopefully next month it's here and then I go the fk out of this hell

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, of course it's only the fact that ctb is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated, we do exist in a world that cruelly restricts us access to the more reliable methods after all, if I had a method as peaceful as N I know that I would be long gone by this point. It's just very unfortunate how things are this way and how we have to struggle so much to die, as humans we certainly deserve the option of a peaceful exit.

 

[Sulyya]

Supporting other people in my life. I think about it every day many times but it's always just underneath the feeling to stay just for these other people.

 

[soontobedone]

A lingering house guest.

 

[thelookingontheway]

My milk powder, it tastes good. I literally lived 5 more months so far because of it

 

[saringceiling]

destiny 2 new dlc and watchful eyes

 

[Dead Ghost]

Only fear...
//
Només la por...

 

[Jäger91]

My mother

 

[MyFinalProject]

Afraid of the feeling of suffocation that I will feel when I hang myself, I would like to have another less painful method available

 

[HellGirl]

i dont want to go alone, plus ill feel terrible for my mom/brother since my oldest sister also ctb when i was like 5

 

[RubySimon]

Money and fear.

 

[borderline-feline]

I can't catch the bus because my favorite person will never give me permission to die. He thinks that I can get better and wants me to live. I can't die without his permission because I'm his property.

 

[UKscotty]

Fear of failure is the only reason.

Waking up in the nut house on a drip, or worse would be hell on earth.

 

[guayabas]

fear of failing or SI. also my kitty. she's really dependent on me. she has really bad anxiety so I'm the only person she will snuggle. plus she has medical problems so I have to give her meds every 12 hrs or she could have a really not so fun death :( and I have to make sure she drinks extra water several times a day or she gets painful bladder/uti problems. I don't trust my roommate, the only other person she will go near, to remember to give her her meds. and I don't want her to have to live without me, her one source of comfort

 

[Tartuffe]

A few personal events to attend. My date is the first weekend of April

 

[bloberta]

im scared lol

 

[brokenpersi]

1 word. hope

 

[SilentSadness]

There is absolutely nothing holding me back other than the lack of a reliable method without unbearable pain. If it were possible to have a peaceful death, I would take it the moment I got the chance. I am content with my decision and unconflicted.

 

[AVeryLazySloth]

I couldn't get it over my heart to CTB at home. I also have a brain scan that I look forward to this Friday to see if drug use damaged my brain because my memory has gone to shit. The week after I have an intake conversation at a private institution and I hope I can get into their program. If those 2 things fail then I'll CBT in approximately 2 months.

 

[MrbearX]

Access to the things I need unfortunately the more reliable ones at least I don't want there to be a chance of failure or at least the most likely to do the trick I live alone and I know no one that can help with these things and want to go so bad I just recently found this forum wish I would of found it years ago

 

[RichardFirst]

I'm currently trying to source medication for a swift and peaceful CTB. When it arrives, I will be prepared to go. Whether I will actually go immediately remains to be seen, but having the option will be very welcome.

 

[Iva]

I can't catch the bus because my favorite person will never give me permission to die. He thinks that I can get better and wants me to live. I can't die without his permission because I'm his property.

are you safe?

 

[borderline-feline]

are you safe?

That's a peculiar question. Why wouldn't I be safe?

 

[Iva]

That's a peculiar question. Why wouldn't I be safe?

ok, gotcha. My bad. The way I read your first message it sounded like you were in danger. Sorry, I was overthinking it a bit.

 

[ElfenLied]

I already have my sn here with me, but i'm a little scared, and I want to do this at the right time.

 

[y'ffre]

Fear of nonexistence.

 

[JJMaynard97]

What's currently holding you back from Ctb right now... For me personally its fear of failing and guilt of leaving loved ones behind on this planet particularly my daughter (I didn't chose to bring a child into the world but unfortunately she was conceived when I was SA'd 4 years ago) I would never willingly bring a child into this cruel world and I hate myself every day because I know that this world is only getting worse and I'm the one who brought her into this awful existence because my poor judgement and risky behavior led to me being SA'd ... I had a recent attempt with SN and almost succeed but was found too soon... SI isn't a huge issue for me anymore thankfully but I still keep having second thoughts about another attempt because I don't want to leave her on this hellish planet alone.... However I know that I truly don't want to be here and that CTB is the only solution to my pain... I'm so torn and it's only making me more depressed...

Worried I'll fail and suck at it like I do everything in life. & My family, friends. My Sister too. Don't wanna go out this way, as people will think of me as selfish. But struggle and don't wanna mess anything else up.

 

[SSGoingInsane]

Well my worst point in life was 2022 but since 2023 I've sorta bounced back a bit so I still have some hope

 

[Unending]

In the last few days, I've felt the guilt fade away a bit which is new to me. It's funny (not) how when that part starts to go away, there's a whole new layer of fears and possible unfinished business that I begin to grapple with.

I really do want to die despite others telling me in the past that these feelings mean I don't but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, I guess now I have to deal with this feeling of needing more personal achievements before I can peacefully die but I know how this goes.

I've thought in the past also that I could die after having more personal achievements, then technically succeeded (without feeling any real sense of accomplishment), then told myself the same thing. This only feels new to me in the sense that it has seemingly become a cycle. I'd like to do all my fun little personal art stuff but am fully aware that it is a chase I will never win. The problem is that the chase for the sake of the chase is not worth it to me considering the suffering that I'm consistently enduring.

It will not cure me, and I'll just keep chasing my tail unless I can override desire. There is a lot of cognitive dissonance in the sense that I feel tormented nearly every day and want out yet there is a part of my brain that is telling me to wait for x, y, and z. I really wish sometimes that this part of my brain would shut the hell up.