Lately and frequently, including right now, absolutely nothing is bothering me. It's not contentment, it's complete apathy. I feel dead and any attempt to live feels alien.
Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,382
My insomnia. I didn't sleep a second last night or morning or day or evening.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY A CAR ON SATURDAY BUT BRO IS ALL "WELL ACKSHUALLY YOU CAN'T BUY A CAR YET BECAUSE WE NEED TO DO THIS AND THAT!"
Like I'll do my research, and bro is all "You can't buy a car yet, because you have to do your research first". Or I'll select a car I want to buy and bro is all "You can't buy a car because you haven't selected a car". He's always coming up with new excuses.
I hope the car will be good. I know you need to test drive them first.
I miss my dog.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY A CAR ON SATURDAY BUT BRO IS ALL "WELL ACKSHUALLY YOU CAN'T BUY A CAR YET BECAUSE WE NEED TO DO THIS AND THAT!"
Like I'll do my research, and bro is all "You can't buy a car yet, because you have to do your research first". Or I'll select a car I want to buy and bro is all "You can't buy a car because you haven't selected a car". He's always coming up with new excuses.
I hope the car will be good. I know you need to test drive them first.
I miss my dog.
Shadowplay
Average life non-enjoyer
- Sep 11, 2021
- 853
Why do you feel that way? I hope that is not the case. I find this place welcoming; we're all in the same wretched boat.
BitterlyAlive_
-
- Dec 8, 2020
- 2,394
A_miStake_of_NATURE
I wish no one had to CTB..........
- Aug 14, 2020
- 703
That I'm so sick of myself, this life and this world, I'm basically ready to leave, but stupid SI, nice people who still care about me and my pets are still keeping me here….. Also being a whiny little crybaby bothers the hell out of me……
callme
I'm a loose cannon - I bang all the time.
- Aug 15, 2021
- 1,235
All the people coming and going from here. It makes me feel alone they have either improved or are dead. We are not supposed to be happy or convinced they are in a better place because of SI
stellabelle
ethereal
- Dec 14, 2018
- 3,919
Screwing up. Missing paperwork or forgetting to hit buttons or whatever at work. The inability to focus. The anger. Anger at stalkers and shit disturbers and liars and thieves. People who never helped get me away from the abusers. People who said stay with your abuser, go back to your abusers. That's the problem.
three words that would've changed my life. "I love you" - but my mother didn't. She was very evil. Always screaming and saying " I don't like you"- I was very little and she didn't love me, she was abusive to my sisters and abusive to my father. The entire life crumbled. I feel the worst for my dad. He deserved a lot better than that, and I wish the system could have stepped in long before that when I was being drugged, screamed at, having my hair ripped out of my head, a lunatic that played pretend. Stop the evil. The problem was there should've been a way to get emergency custody of me and permanently place me with my dad from the moment I was born, I feel bad for my mom because she was very depressed and targeted all of her anger at us.
I have so many regrets - I never trusted her and she made my life a living hell. Wondering why I can't focus at school, why I'm failing, disrupting class, can't pay attention, because of her, all of those things. She cheated her way through college and refused to let me be a person. She talked about me instead of to me or screamed at me 24:7 and never stopped. The abuse continued well into adulthood and I had a near fatal overdose thanks to her. She's gone now, dead. About 27 years too late after all the damage done.
I'm left with all of this emotional bruising and sadness. Asking why she didn't love me and instead wanted to play games. It was sad.
only a couple more days until domestic violence counseling. Im so angry at everyone and everything. Life goes on.
No energy to do anything.
avoid_slow_death
Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,235
Being alive, but not being exactly ready to go yet. A few months more though....
The constant humming noise I can hear. Never stops, keeps me awake.
BrokenHopes
What doesn't kill you, f*cks you up.
- Nov 27, 2019
- 162
My weight gain and my inability to control my eating. Trying once again though.
Scribble Fan
I'm out!
- May 30, 2019
- 815
I'm in love again and I hate it when this happens. Oh well, it's not like anything matters in this reality anyway. I can't even look after myself, so how on earth would I be able to look after someone else??
I'm anxious about so much to do with upcoming my CTB attempt. I know it's my time- that's inescapable. But it now seems so much easier if I could just die in hospice. I already spoke with them weeks ago and they said they'd be prepared to interview me. But that's not a guarantee they'd accept me. They'd probably say keep trying further treatments.
And even if they did accept me then there would be the expectation of medical stuff, like regular consults, tests, and so on. And probably them trying to persuade me to accept life prolonging treatment like feeding tube etc.
I wish I could just be left to wither away in peace, but still have access to palliative care if wanted. That would solve all my issues and I wouldn't then feel compelled to coordinate my upcoming suicide and carry it through.
If I could drive I'd also take myself off to a little forest hut somewhere with enough supplies to live comfortable for a few weeks or months til I passed naturally. Or if I lived alone then I'd be able to do that too.
And even if they did accept me then there would be the expectation of medical stuff, like regular consults, tests, and so on. And probably them trying to persuade me to accept life prolonging treatment like feeding tube etc.
I wish I could just be left to wither away in peace, but still have access to palliative care if wanted. That would solve all my issues and I wouldn't then feel compelled to coordinate my upcoming suicide and carry it through.
If I could drive I'd also take myself off to a little forest hut somewhere with enough supplies to live comfortable for a few weeks or months til I passed naturally. Or if I lived alone then I'd be able to do that too.
Enigmatic Sailor
vicissitudes of fate...
- Oct 29, 2021
- 386
Hi everyone
I woke up this morning feeling completely broken, I feel so desperate to just do anything to stop this pain. I have 10 beta blockers and I want to take them even if it means I just escape this reality for a day or two but I can't take the chance of getting caught
I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do, no one around me can help because no one understands
I woke up this morning feeling completely broken, I feel so desperate to just do anything to stop this pain. I have 10 beta blockers and I want to take them even if it means I just escape this reality for a day or two but I can't take the chance of getting caught
I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do, no one around me can help because no one understands
Luna77
Member
- Mar 19, 2020
- 38
Hi I hope you're ok. I used to be prescribed a beta blocker for anxiety but I didn't feel it helped. I take Ativan now but I ran out like a week early. Feels like I'm in hell sort of whenever I have withdrawals. What happens if you take 10 bb? Are you on them for anxiety or something else?
Hi
Before I found out about SN I wanted use bb, I managed to get them from a friend who works at a pharmacy by telling him it's for my mum but he only gave me 10, I've never taken bb before but from the research I've done it's not a very reliable method and 10 won't do anything
I'm not on any anxiety meds
Luna77
Member
- Mar 19, 2020
- 38
Hi, yeah 10 would probably just make you really sleepy, lower heart rate a lot, maybe nausea I'm not sure. I can relate to not really having people around that understand like you said. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I've thought about sn as well I even bought some on the internet but ended up throwing it away cause I just got scared. Anyway I do hope you feel better.
Shadowplay
Average life non-enjoyer
- Sep 11, 2021
- 853
Laddydragon
Member
- May 16, 2021
- 27
I would love it if I could talk about my issues with a friend or someone who would be able to just talk about anything I would love it but I know it'd be toxic I hate myself I'm horrible as a person just fuck it I don't want to burden anyone but the only other option is some hotline that I get basic advice like no shit I already do those things to and it won't ever stop it just I don't know I'm sorry I sound stupid I'm just so tired at this point I hate myself so much I'm sorry I'm just repeating but that's about it I'm just drifting by myself and it's better that way but gosh it hurts sometimes..
ascetic_
Metaphysically Homeless
- Aug 28, 2021
- 83
avoid_slow_death
Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,235
I'm in so much pain mentally functioning in everyday life and at work takes tremendous effort. I'm talking shit like getting out of bed and getting ready in the morning. Work itself is another hell. I basically look at each waking hour like robotic tasks to get done. Meanwhile my mind keeps assaulting me with memories that cause me a great deal of emotional pain and as a result it's hard to sleep or eat or get any enjoyment whatsoever out of anything. It's just the constant thoughts every....fucking...literal...waking....MOMENT!!!!! It never ends. I want it to, but it doesn't and I think it's literally driving me into madness.
TheHatedOne
Death is salvation
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,028
demuic
Life was a mistake
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,383
I have to see a therapist today and I have no idea what to talk about.
That I'm probably going to have to switch doctor which is just urgh too much work and involves having to open up to a whole new person.
I am possibly going to enter palliative care and if I did then it would be very soon (basically if I continue to deteriorate) .
In which case I actually need a decent doctor, not one who takes days to get back to me and whose receptionists just respond without any human feeling.
I'm also really bothered that I don't feel I can use my chosen CTB method due to my stomach issues, so now I'm back in limbo.
I am possibly going to enter palliative care and if I did then it would be very soon (basically if I continue to deteriorate) .
In which case I actually need a decent doctor, not one who takes days to get back to me and whose receptionists just respond without any human feeling.
I'm also really bothered that I don't feel I can use my chosen CTB method due to my stomach issues, so now I'm back in limbo.
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peach
Member
- Apr 24, 2019
- 13
My life became kind of a loop, I don't know how to get out of this, and it gives me so much anxiety... I feel like I tried everything, so now i'm just ready to ctb.
Scribble Fan
I'm out!
- May 30, 2019
- 815
I feel completely helpless and it sucks. It's like nothing I do turns out the way I want it to. Ever.
The fact that nobody tells you that being around someone with depression makes you a horrible/toxic person to be around. I am very nasty when I drink alcohol the worse behavior comes out. I don't genuinely laugh anymore, when people talk to me I'm like "yeah" and "mhmm", can't talk about anything anymore because I don't have the energy and upbeat. Now I'm back to working a shitty retail job interacting with people again I have to get out of this soon. I want to go on my birthday in February. I hope I get the courage why do I keep clinging to this misery?
