befriending someone with bpd as someone who has depression?

[evrlastingsea]

Hi. i don't know where else to talk about this without having to explain too much things and get judged too much..?

i have this friend i've only known since may (like 3 months). we chat a lot. i usually reply fast to casual smth if i'm in a good mood, but if i don't know how to answer i just ignore it. i also type kinda? efficiently compared to my friends (i type like 'yay!!' or 'oh no, that sucks' rather than 'YIPPPEEEE OKAYYY' or 'oh no wtffff :(((( that really sucks')

so, he has bpd (which is fine, i have mdd). they chat me constantly, and if i take an hour to reply he gets visibly upset. but when i ask, they say nothing's wrong. i'm autistic, so getting these 'hints' is just.. really hard for me.

i've been doing really really bad lately. can't eat, can't get out of bed, just struggling a lot. i always inform my friends when i'm not in the mood to do anything. they say "i don't wanna pressure you!" but then he gets upset on socials. he'll say stuff to me like "now you doesnt sound excited anymore" or "oh, i'll kill myself, i'm so lonely". i usually just brush it off.

today, i went to the doctor and was doing awful (missed my bus 3 times, hit a pole, lost 3 rings, lost keychains). i made it VERY crystal clear i couldn't socialize right now. i told them at least 5 times just to set my boundaries. i went to a cafe after to ground myself and updated him when asked, but he just kinda invited himself. i had to force myself to accommodate them. when i didn't give the expected reaction, he said "oh, sorry. i guess no one wants to be with me" and called the day underwhelming afterwards. they also mentioned i'm one of his 3 possible FP(?) right now. i genuinely can't even handle myself, let alone react to that. all we did was sit in a cafe and it's the most tired i've been in a while.

he knows i have depression, yet they still drop "if you don't do x with me i'll just kms. joking!" or "oh youre out? lets hangout! no? hummmm.... okay...." it really pressures me. this is my first time befriending someone with bpd, so maybe i'm uneducated and these are just clear symptoms. but i'm just so overwhelmed and clueless. everything online is about how to support someone with bpd when you're healthy, which i'm definitely not. i feel like i already did the common thing to do as well : communicate. when i'm unhappy about smth i'd def mention about it. most of the time, at least.

i'd be happy if there's any advice about this.. thank you

 

[p.punk!]

question is he diagnosed with bpd by his psychiatrist? i think he is just manipulating you. i dont know sorry for accusation it is just my feeling.

 

[Set Real Goul]

Hi! So, did he tell you himself that he has borderline personality disorder? Either way, it's not an excuse. I have BPD too (the quiet subtype), and I don't act like an asshole.

In any case, I think you should try to distance yourself from this person. If you don't want to talk to them, you don't have to. Just let them know and mute their notifications. If they get upset, that's their problem.

 

[evrlastingsea]

question is he diagnosed with bpd by his psychiatrist? i think he is just manipulating you. i dont know sorry for accusation it is just my feeling.

from what i know, yes. which makes me even more confused...

Hi! So, did he tell you himself that he has borderline personality disorder? Either way, it's not an excuse. I have BPD too (the quiet subtype), and I don't act like an asshole.

In any case, I think you should try to distance yourself from this person. If you don't want to talk to them, you don't have to. Just let them know and mute their notifications. If they get upset, that's their problem.

yes, he did tell me about it around the first month of us talking after they noticed my scars. i was just glad that they trust me enough to let me know

i also feel like i need to distance myself, but then i worry that i'll make it worse for them too, that's why i'm really conflicted

 

[p.punk!]

from what i know, yes. which makes me even more confused...

distance yourself, prioritize your own peace of mind. just tell him what you really feel but in the most safest way and then distance yourself. i hope it helps and i hope you find some peace of mind! :'))

 

[Set Real Goul]

i also feel like i need to distance myself, but then i worry that i'll make it worse for them too, that's why i'm really conflicted

Well, If you don't distance yourself, your conversations with him will increasingly come across to him as something like, "Now you don't sound excited anymore," and he'll keep getting upset anyway.
You need to be a bit firm. If you tell him you don't want to or can't talk right now, then mute his notifications and don't respond after that. Stick to the boundary you've set.

As for the suicide threats, he also told you he has 3 favorite people (FPs), which already makes that explanation sound questionable. People don't consciously choose who their FP is.
It seems like he's using that to pressure you into giving him what he wants. Regardless of the reason, you shouldn't feel responsible for managing his emotions or staying in contact because of threats or guilt.

 

[evrlastingsea]

Well, If you don't distance yourself, your conversations with him will increasingly come across to him as something like, "Now you don't sound excited anymore," and he'll keep getting upset anyway.
You need to be a bit firm. If you tell him you don't want to or can't talk right now, then mute his notifications and don't respond after that. Stick to the boundary you've set.

As for the suicide threats, he also told you he has 3 favorite people (FPs), which already makes that explanation sound questionable. People don't consciously choose who their FP is.
It seems like he's using that to pressure you into giving him what he wants. Regardless of the reason, you shouldn't feel responsible for managing his emotions or staying in contact because of threats or guilt.

distance yourself, prioritize your own peace of mind. just tell him what you really feel but in the most safest way and then distance yourself. i hope it helps and i hope you find some peace of mind! :'))

hi, i ended up thinking really hard about this. i also checked the messages too and he said it like "i feel like you're becoming one of my fp" (so it's not really his choice, maybe?)

but after some thinking, i do think that i do need to be more firm and set clear boundaries too and distance myself. i do feel like i'm getting worse mentally just by thinking about this as it's not healthy at all... i'll distance myself from him slowly, since i still can't figure out how to say it directly.

thank you for your advice and insight, really!!