hello, im new here and dont expect ppl to respond, let alone read, but if anybody could help by answering my question, that would be awesome sauce .
this will be long so i'll add a TLDR at the end .
ever since i turned 8 i have been dealing with heavy depression. my parents would argue all the time, cheat on each other, ignore each other, and ignore me as well. my dad was a heavy drunk as well. i became aware of this at a young age as he would inappropriately touch me at age 4 when he was drunk.. i felt used and like a failure for not being able to keep my family together with my body. my mom seemed to never like me as she would ignore me the most and yell at me for anything, as i grew she would call me ugly and fat and would say things like "nobody will ever love you for the way you look".. she started my insecurity at a very young age and i dealt with starving myself for years. i had an older brother as well but he wanted nothing to do with me so i was alone. when i turned 9, my mom got pregnant and she dealt with postpartum depression which made me have to take care of my baby sister by myself since my dad would get drunk, brother was in his room, and mom would work. i would have to go to school, miss out on so many fieldtrips and school events and hangout with friends for my sister. it was even worse during COVID with online school.. the only friends i had were fake and would talk behind my back. the only one who didnt ended up stalking me.. my parents shortly divorced after my little sister was born and my mom blamed me for it as she used me as a therapist since i was a child and begged her to divorce my dad so my little sister wouldnt have to grow up the way i did. once i got to high school, i made a friend who would touch my body without consent and tell me he wanted to r*pe me..i reported it to the school and they told me he was just trying to flirt with me and that was the end of that. the next year, i had my first suicide attempt by ODing on my seroquel pills, but made the mistake of calling my best friend(bf now) and he made me get help immediately. this was on christmas so when i got to the hospital, the nurses treated me like a disgrace for doing this to my family even though they didnt care and only cared about how they would look and apologized to my family.. i went to the psych ward for the 3rd time that time as i have gone before when i was 11 and 13. at the hospital, a guy would touch me as well, said he wanted to drug me to use me. he even c*t himself and showed me to show he "loved" me while knowing i was struggling with SH. at this point my self worth was at the lowest and i would sexualize myself just so i felt any form of "love". my guy friends would tell me they used my pictures to get them off and wanted to be friends with benefits with me. the next year i got with my bf. i was over the moon but he quickly became abus*ve in the first month by r*ping me and blaming it on me. i was too afraid to leave as he made me distance myself from everyone so i wouldve been alone. the ab*se would continue for 2 years until i found out he was looking at p*rn the whole time while using me.. it made me feel so dirty. i confronted him abt it and he said it was my fault and i left him. i eventually got back together with him because he threatened to k*ll himself if i didnt come back and i know he would.. i tried telling his mom but she blamed me for wearing a dress and bows ONCE and told me to go kms. my bf has been trying to get better as he "realized" he ruined me and hurt me the most. but its hard to forget, he knew of all the ab*se i went through and told me once he didnt care for me because i still cared for my dad. he would tell me i was too much and he would leave me just because i asked him not to ignore me for weeks. i asked him to stop flirting with the same girl and he would get mad. i would tell him to stop and that i didnt want to but he still used me. he told me it was my fault he needed to look at other girls to get off. its hard. and if i talk to him abt how i feel suic*dal he threatens to k*ll himself too. i cant talk to anybody else and each time i go to therapy and take meds it doesnt work. i had a psychiatrist and therapist tell me i most likely have BPD and needed a diagnosis checked but my mom never wanted to take me. my job was also not the greatest, my manager never liked me and tried to fire me for no reason just because her favorite worker never liked me from the moment i walked in. they would belittle me for my body and just be plain rude and make me do their work, i still work here and still have to pick up after my manager but that other worker got fired thankfully.
i am 18 years old and already lived through enough. im so done and just dont want to carry all of this anymore.. it all hurts so bad and idk what to do. i wish i was capping about everything i just said but im not, my life is just a complete mess and im tired of it. idk if i should attempt again or get help for the 100th time, i still have the need to live so i can protect my little sister the way i did when she was born but is it worth it when my brother finally helped to take care of her and she loves him more than me even though i sacrificed so much for her ?
so what will yall do ?
TLDR- life is absolute booty cheeks. ppl in my life keep taking advantage of me and being fake. i have nobody to turn to and just want to know what yall would do..
this will be long so i'll add a TLDR at the end .
ever since i turned 8 i have been dealing with heavy depression. my parents would argue all the time, cheat on each other, ignore each other, and ignore me as well. my dad was a heavy drunk as well. i became aware of this at a young age as he would inappropriately touch me at age 4 when he was drunk.. i felt used and like a failure for not being able to keep my family together with my body. my mom seemed to never like me as she would ignore me the most and yell at me for anything, as i grew she would call me ugly and fat and would say things like "nobody will ever love you for the way you look".. she started my insecurity at a very young age and i dealt with starving myself for years. i had an older brother as well but he wanted nothing to do with me so i was alone. when i turned 9, my mom got pregnant and she dealt with postpartum depression which made me have to take care of my baby sister by myself since my dad would get drunk, brother was in his room, and mom would work. i would have to go to school, miss out on so many fieldtrips and school events and hangout with friends for my sister. it was even worse during COVID with online school.. the only friends i had were fake and would talk behind my back. the only one who didnt ended up stalking me.. my parents shortly divorced after my little sister was born and my mom blamed me for it as she used me as a therapist since i was a child and begged her to divorce my dad so my little sister wouldnt have to grow up the way i did. once i got to high school, i made a friend who would touch my body without consent and tell me he wanted to r*pe me..i reported it to the school and they told me he was just trying to flirt with me and that was the end of that. the next year, i had my first suicide attempt by ODing on my seroquel pills, but made the mistake of calling my best friend(bf now) and he made me get help immediately. this was on christmas so when i got to the hospital, the nurses treated me like a disgrace for doing this to my family even though they didnt care and only cared about how they would look and apologized to my family.. i went to the psych ward for the 3rd time that time as i have gone before when i was 11 and 13. at the hospital, a guy would touch me as well, said he wanted to drug me to use me. he even c*t himself and showed me to show he "loved" me while knowing i was struggling with SH. at this point my self worth was at the lowest and i would sexualize myself just so i felt any form of "love". my guy friends would tell me they used my pictures to get them off and wanted to be friends with benefits with me. the next year i got with my bf. i was over the moon but he quickly became abus*ve in the first month by r*ping me and blaming it on me. i was too afraid to leave as he made me distance myself from everyone so i wouldve been alone. the ab*se would continue for 2 years until i found out he was looking at p*rn the whole time while using me.. it made me feel so dirty. i confronted him abt it and he said it was my fault and i left him. i eventually got back together with him because he threatened to k*ll himself if i didnt come back and i know he would.. i tried telling his mom but she blamed me for wearing a dress and bows ONCE and told me to go kms. my bf has been trying to get better as he "realized" he ruined me and hurt me the most. but its hard to forget, he knew of all the ab*se i went through and told me once he didnt care for me because i still cared for my dad. he would tell me i was too much and he would leave me just because i asked him not to ignore me for weeks. i asked him to stop flirting with the same girl and he would get mad. i would tell him to stop and that i didnt want to but he still used me. he told me it was my fault he needed to look at other girls to get off. its hard. and if i talk to him abt how i feel suic*dal he threatens to k*ll himself too. i cant talk to anybody else and each time i go to therapy and take meds it doesnt work. i had a psychiatrist and therapist tell me i most likely have BPD and needed a diagnosis checked but my mom never wanted to take me. my job was also not the greatest, my manager never liked me and tried to fire me for no reason just because her favorite worker never liked me from the moment i walked in. they would belittle me for my body and just be plain rude and make me do their work, i still work here and still have to pick up after my manager but that other worker got fired thankfully.
i am 18 years old and already lived through enough. im so done and just dont want to carry all of this anymore.. it all hurts so bad and idk what to do. i wish i was capping about everything i just said but im not, my life is just a complete mess and im tired of it. idk if i should attempt again or get help for the 100th time, i still have the need to live so i can protect my little sister the way i did when she was born but is it worth it when my brother finally helped to take care of her and she loves him more than me even though i sacrificed so much for her ?
so what will yall do ?
TLDR- life is absolute booty cheeks. ppl in my life keep taking advantage of me and being fake. i have nobody to turn to and just want to know what yall would do..
