What would impel you to act?

[neverever]

If you are planning to CTB, what would impel you to act on your plans? Are you waiting for a specific date, or are you waiting for a trigger? I have had many overwhelming triggers recently, and I've also chosen dates that have been highly significant to me, but all have passed without my acting. Wondering what I need to do to motivate myself.

 

[Sherri]

SI so far it's what is keeping me alive. I'm so scared of suffering before I go.

 

[Endeavour]

I have days where I'm ready and willing but I can't because I'm not alone. Then other days when I'm alone and I don't feel ready.

When the 2 meet I'll go.

All I have to do to get in the mood is read the news and think about the future in the covid restricted world, and compare it to what we had before.

I don't want to simply exist, I want to live, but I think it will be simply existing from here on out, which means waiting for death while being miserable - like me.

 

[neverever]

Every time a train passes through my city, my mind startles and I think, There's an opportunity. But train is not my preferred method. I have yet to choose a method.

 

[justanotherstar]

I don't have a specific date but I roughly know when I'll go. I have things to put in order and commitments which I will keep but following those I will be free to CTB. Not sure how I feel about setting a specific date I think once, I hope I'll be free to act on impulse because everything will be planned and ready to act out

 

[WornOutLife]

SI so far it's what is keeping me alive. I'm so scared of suffering before I go.

Same here! SI is freezing my plans over and over again but no matter what, I'll beat "it" next year and finally CTB (or fail and end up in a psych ward forever and ever)

 

[Sherri]

Same here! SI is freezing my plans over and over again but no matter what, I'll beat "it" next year and finally CTB (or fail and end up in a psych ward forever and ever)

Wish you don't spend it in a ward. It's not the best place To be unless you think it will be beneficial to you. A big hug my Argentinian fellow op.

 

[neverever]

I thought that I was going to do it last night. Someone triggered me in the perfect way, such that I interpreted that this person wanted for me to die. It felt like having a partner. Comforting feeling of pressure and intensity. But the feeling wore off before I followed through.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Good question. Being able to hold my method in my hands. I will feel so relieved if I am ever able to obtain SN, I think that just possessing it will motivate me to end this shit show once and for all.

 

[Noriv159]

My existence is what motivates me. The only thing stopping me is the distance between me and what I need. If I had SN with me I would likely have been gone a long time ago. No regrets.

 

[Sorrygoodbye]

Most of the time catching the bus is just lingering in the back of my mind as something I should do, but if I find myself getting teased and bullied again, I'm sure that would motivate me to ctb.

 

[rabbithole]

I have days where I'm ready and willing but I can't because I'm not alone. Then other days when I'm alone and I don't feel ready.

When the 2 meet I'll go.

Same.

 

[NodusTollens]

I have potential dates planned though things keep popping up to ruin my plans.

Else, I am waiting for the fall. Sooner or later, it will all come crashing down.

 

[AutoTap]

I havnt done it because survival instinct, the small chance I can still get better, I'm scared of death, don't like pain, and I have loving parents, brother, and dog who would be distraught without me.

But life sucks so much it's torture. It's like I don't want to live but dont want to die

 

[rabbithole]

I havnt done it because survival instinct, the small chance I can still get better, I'm scared of death, don't like pain, and I have loving parents, brother, and dog who would be distraught without me.

But life sucks so much it's torture. It's like I don't want to live but dont want to die

It's a tough situation to be in. I'm in a similar one having loving parents and being scared of dying. My life is also torturous honestly. I know I have to ctb but don't know how ill get the courage to.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope there's another option other than ctb for you but I'm sure you've thought about that already.

 

[neverever]

I wish that my grief could just kill me. Sometimes I think that it may. When I wake up in the nightmare that is my life without my partner of six wonderful years, who I thought would be my partner for eternity—without his bright, smiling face; without the comfort of our bed together; without the warmth of our meticulously constructed home surrounding us; without the rhythm of the routines that we shared and the "life worth living" that I had so effortfully constructed with him—I think that my brain may explode in despair. Yet it doesn't. How cruel it is that that doesn't happen. If I become upset enough, my brain may change channels to thinking about options for violently or chemically ending my life. Yet what holds me back, probably, is knowing that untimely death is not what I want: The happiness that I had with him is what I want. I don't know whether death would grant me that or something similar in another life. And I don't want to stick around here to continue to endure the emptiness of not having it.

Basically, I can't reconcile the happiness that I had and lost, with the misery that I now feel, with the hope that maybe possibly I could be as happy again, with the rage that leads me to consider suicide.

 

[user667]

fear of failure is keeping me alive right now. in order for me to act despite these urges things would have to be really bad. i wouldn't say i'm waiting for a trigger, i'm just letting things get worse so i can do it.

 

[MrBlue]

The most immediate trigger will be around work, either not being allowed to work or the stress of starting it. Beyond that it'll be likely a steady accumulation of the joys of being a lonely unlovable git tbh.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I would probably be impelled to act on some conditions that have yet to be met:
1. No more treatment options available
2.Supplies ready
3. A really bad day so my SI is low
I am close to meeting 1, and 3 happens pretty regularly. So I'm just waiting on myself to get ballsy enough to order the supplies.