Discussion What was your sign that made you want to ctb?

[Blueberry Panic]

Things started spiraling once my ex boyfriend took his life and that's one reason why I'm here , but I'm curious about what others went through that made them end up on Sasu.

 

[bankai]

Well, it's been years since I felt any joy. I guess that's it. I am trying my hardest to just brute force through life. Is it working? Sure, it's worked for a few years. But now I joined this site because I'm looking for a way out.it's time dawg.

 

[MeSauce]

Saw Tantacrul's video and did some investigating to find the site (Just googled "SS Suicide Website"). I've been here ever since, just as a backup in case everything goes south one day. In truth, I'm planning my exit now

 

[Forever Sleep]

Ideation started fairly early for me- aged 10. I was mourning 3 close family members who had already died by then. But, more than that, I was so unhappy everyday being bullied by a (suspected) narcissist.

The feelings didn't change so much as I got older but, the reasons did. Art became a huge coping mechanism for me. So, I was determined to pursue a career in it. My very worst periods have been when I've been struggling in that ambition. Really though- suicide never really left as a viable option.

Now, I just have less drive for even my creative job. I still do my best but, a lot of the spark and fulfilment has gone. So really, there's nothing left. It's not so much that I hate every aspect of life. I'm just sick of the pressure to afford it all. Plus, I don't want to get old and ill and not be able to afford retirement.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

There's really nothing here for me in life. I cannot express my passions because I am not talented enough to pursue them. That leaves me feeling empty inside, with nothing to do with my life, so I might as well end it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A big failure in life made me suicidal. Literally everything what could go wrong went wrong. I ended up here.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

 

[Pale_Rider]

Easier to say what didnt lead me to SaSu.

 

[offbalance]

For me I just never liked life very much, it's all a chaotic lottery anyway and I just don't really want to engage in it. Oh and trauma, I can't access any emotions because of childhood bullying and sexual assault

 

[LostLily]

The third counsellor gave up on me, maxed out on meds and spending $10,000 on therapy over nearly 10 years and I am still feeling depressed about life and I still hate myself.

At least I tried. .

 

[Nemy]

Went to therapy, went to a psych ward, took antidepressants, got a job, made a friend and moved out alone.

Thought leaving my abusive home would make me happy, but it just made all of my demons louder. Started hating myself even more for being unable to change.

Fell for said friend only to realized there's no chance in hell anyone could love.

 

[kotonearisato]

I was still in elementary school when I realized things would be better if I wasn't here, so I've always kind of searched things regarding CTB online periodically. I think it was late 2021 when I first saw the forums on one of those searches, when there was news coming out about it. Lurked for quite a while because social anxiety until I finally made an account like a year and a half ago.

 

[RoseGirl]

I've been somewhat suicidal since i was like 8ish? Uhm maybe 9 anyways. I only ended up on this site bc uhm i got reccomended it buy this super sweet person i met on roblox >.<
Uhm IDK in general I'm a pretty horrible person... So idk....

 

[rembleeds]

Less of a sign, more of a final straw.

Lost my first boy 3 years ago, my second a few weeks ago. Losing the last piece of my heart pushed me so far past suicide into a deep dark hole of grief. I quit my job, barely slept, and couldn't stop crying at every little thing. I'd go outside and cry, knowing that my son missed the first warm days of the year. Cried when I got his ashes back. Cried when i set his urn up next to my first boy's.

Then, my apartment flooded (barely but still). That was it. It's so simple and menial and yet it pushed me back to suicide. It pulled me away from my grief enought to plan my death. In 12 hours I go.

 

[Forveleth]

I have been sinking lower and lower into depression for 25 years and one day it hit me that I just do not want to do this shit anymore. I am done struggling through my day. I do not want to have to wake up and push myself to be functional only to be miserable the entire time. That was been my life for 25 years and that will be my life for the foreseeable future (due to various circumstances). If that is all I have ahead of me, why continue? I realized death and forfeiting my life would ultimately cause me less suffering than continuing to live.

 

[Griever]

I lost my best friend to suicide and soon I'm going to take my own life too

 

[SmilingNoMore]

Last year broke me, a roller coaster of everything gone wrong, and when the love of my life decided to leave, it felt like I was literally losing my mind, the only option left to opt out.

 

[Tumblewillow]

I attempted suicide in a friend's house and survived, traumatized my best friend and was driven out of our friend group as a result. They villainized me in order to cope, I think. But the end result was bullying.

I was accused of being mean, told I was killing her (probably true), told I had said things I hadn't. She asked for space, then I was told I was being mean for leaving the group to give her space and that I should have stayed, then was told I shouldn't have come back when she'd asked for space. I only came back to confront them after one of them was liking and unliking my posts on social media and I wanted it to stop. This was all going on when I was recovering.

I was apologizing and pleading and begging them for answers and trying to explain that I hadn't done those things out of malice and I didnt understand, but they wouldn't listen. I apologized profusely and said I would go, I was told by them we didn't have a normal friendship and to distance myself.

So I shut myself away in my house out of guilt and shame and now I can't form meaningful relationships with anyone out of fear of hurting them. I get that's not their fault, but. It feels impossible to overcome. I moved away from my hometown because I was so ashamed and they just wiped me from their lives like I never existed. I just want to go home.

I just wish I had either chosen a different method that day and died or hadn't done it at all. But I believe it was unavoidable. I attempted because I came home and saw something traumatic and I couldn't calm down, I just wasn't in control. I was a teenager and had had no therapy.

It feels like this irreversible mistake that's altered the entire course of my life. I've had therapists tell me that what they did was cruel and immature but even if they were in the wrong, it doesn't change how my life has ended up after that event.

 

[catfriend]

the Nth time i felt abandoned. i was 9 or 10, that first time, and i made the mistake of verbalizing the ctb ideation, too. went down exceedingly poorly! i didn't get better in the nearly 20 years since then, so now i'm here. :)