what was your mental state after your first failed attempt?

[xXSufferingXx]

please only answer if you were serious in your attempt and actively tried to off yourself, but failed.
what was your mental state like?
not physically, but your mind state

 

[aspenjrojas]

I tried at 8 years old, but it wasn't that serious an attempt in my opinion. I tried to drown myself. I remember crying and feeling so lost and stupid and broken inside, while my parents yelled at me to stay where it's shallow, because they thought it was an accident. (My dad swam to save me).

I also tried at 12, and that was a bit more serious. I tried to overdose on hydrocodone, crushing and almost a whole bottle, and I remember feeling really happy and then dizzy for what felt like a split second, and I was proud of myself for finally leaving, but then I threw it all up. And I remember waking up on my bathroom door, feeling super super dizzy and my chest was heavy, and hours later at 4am, I got up and went to my bed and just cried. I was so upset I failed and once again felt so stupid. I was stuck wondering why it didn't work and how I could be so stupid and why didn't I do my research and all this stuff, and I felt so empty. The next day I had to go to school, but I left my first period class and then hid in the bathroom with my razor, and I cut myself 4 times and cleaned it and everything, and I stayed in the stall just crying and sitting there and numb until lunch. They called my parents for skipping class, and my parents yelled at me when I got home, and I cut myself once more. Then I just felt kind of numb and didn't even really cry for the next month.

And then years passed but the thought of killing myself never left my mind, I've just been so afraid of failing again.

 

[LastNite]

My mind felt empty. It felt like as if Im watching someone through a tv screen.

 

[plskilme]

I was in middle school at the time. I was tired of being bullied for having seizures and constantly being in the hospital and for loving Pokémon (which I still love). I tried to bang my head against a wall to try to either pass out, or crack it open. I did it under the stairs that lead to the 2nd floor of one of the buildings... I left that day actually crying because they sent me to a place for kids/teens with issues instead of helping me deal with the people who were bullying me, which I begged them to do for months prior. It fucked me up mentally honestly. I still often think about that place they sent me to, and the fact they tested our blood every morning when I was there to try to see if we were on some shit or not...

 

[heal]

My first attempt was an overdose with opiods, which failed due to medical intervention.

My initial feeling after gathering my bearings and realizing I survived was a deep sense of disappointment. Over the next few days, my disappointment turned into defeat, and finally surrender. I was in a state of disassociation over the next two months where I felt disconnect from my body, as though I was piloting it from outside. At least for a while, my problems felt inconsequential because nothing seemed real, which made it easy to passively go along with life. This period was the most at peace I had felt in a long time, but I have since come back down to reality and my suicidal ideation has returned. A part of me was hoping that I would regret my attempt and discover a new lease on life, but my perspective remains unchanged and as pessimistic as ever.

 

[slowlybreaking]

I'm not completely sure if this counts as serious attempt but it definitely was more serious than whatever I had going on the last few years. I tried PSH a couple nights ago and sat right up like three times even though I had been feeling the noose around my neck for a while. I couldn't bring myself to fall, which is why I prefer FSH so there is no chance I could back down, but I don't have any reliable anchor points at home. I was feeling a mix of frustration and void, and went back to sleep. Woke up hours later feeling like a failure.

 

[100memoryleaks]

fucking terrible

i tried psh and passed out but kept waking up

after the third try i noticed the sun was already rising so i just gave up, i was drunk so i could barely stand properly

i just fell down onto the ground and lied there for a while..

i felt so angry and so defeated, so miserable. especially knowing i was so close, especially on my first attempt, all i had to do was hold my breath and not stand up...

i wish i fucking died

 

[suncide10]

As soon as I felt pressure on my neck I stood up. I got scared and asked myself wtf am I doing, I wanted to cry but couldn't.

 

[elpurp]

please only answer if you were serious in your attempt and actively tried to off yourself, but failed.
what was your mental state like?
not physically, but your mind state

why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that i should've finished the job i'm such a coward wtf is wrong with me

 

[Forveleth]

Just annoyed I was still alive. Realized I should have planned my method better. That was it, really.

 

[elenaboo25]

I was actually happy to still be alive. I was 16 years old at the time, and didn't know what else would happen in my life from that point onwards. Unfortunately, I now regret not having finished the job the first time, as life has become more complicated. I am somewhat trapped in a life I don't neccesarily want to live. But I also don't want to ctb right now. At the moment, there are some more things I want to try before I give up.

 

[VanillaCake]

Went from feeling utter despair at failing to freaking out because I was worried I had possibly messed up my brain with anoxia (method was PSH). Very uncomfortable experience overall, emotionally speaking (physically as well but that's not your question)

 

[diviosd]

i tried to hang myself with a belt, my mom caught me. As someone who almost never cries i cried alot for a long time, its kind of hard to describe because i had so many thoughts at the same time, but i felt so pathetic and so tired and really really angry. I wouldn't come out of my room much or talk to anyone really for days until life goes on like it does and i just had to force myself to function again.

 

[ReclaimStarlight]

Originally I felt panic and pain due to choosing a slow and less fatal method but once I was in hospital and started losing consciousness I felt a wave of peace and acceptance.

Unfortunately I woke up the next day, the doctors didn't even move me from the position I passed out in. I felt such a profound sadness and disappointment to be back in the same life and same cycle that got me to edge in the first place.

 

[current93]

went to school the next day like nothing happened lol

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I was purely devastated and felt like there was no longer any path in life for me. It honestly felt like the devastation would of killed me before I managed to kill myself from how intense it was.

 

[limenlux]

I felt utter despair upon realizing that existence is a prison. I don't actually believe this to be universally or objectively true, as I was just panicked at the time, but it's very easy to perceive it as such under enough duress.

 

[imagonner]

i was very angry. i cried nearly all day. id wake up to go to work, and id be crying whilst getting ready, crying on the bus (trying not to be obvious), going off to the toilet to cry whilst at work. it was really bad. i was stopped by the police one night a few days later for a pnc check and i just attacked the cop. no warning, no argument beforehand, just went straight for him. that didnt end well for me...

 

[Topaz111]

Angry that it failed, very afraid of what will happen next if my mother finds out.

 

[fadedghost]

please only answer if you were serious in your attempt and actively tried to off yourself, but failed.
what was your mental state like?
not physically, but your mind state

i was slightly angry, but also wanted to die as soon as possible and just wanted to find the most efficient and quick was to do that...

so my state was calm, rational, indifferent to life, ready to die...

i was held in this awful place, and they initially put me in a room without even a book or a magazine for days. there was just nothing. it was cruel, but allowed in the name of "safety" and "wellness." but by then, i had been used to being treated poorly in different ways and had given up...

i was just absolutely planning on killing myself ASAP but met a guy after I really really wanted to have sex with... and so I seduced him instead of killing myself immediately after... and it took a while to seduce him... and then some things happened and so I decided to live longer...

but immediately after the first attempt, my mental state was just "how do i attempt again?" i wasn't sure how, but i intended to attempt again. i lied a lot around that time, as my goal was to get access to the means for suicide as fast as possible. i also was frustrated the attempt didn't work. it hurt so fucking bad, and to experience all that pain in the attempt and still not die seemed like an extremely cruel fate.

 

[time2gosoon]

please only answer if you were serious in your attempt and actively tried to off yourself, but failed.
what was your mental state like?
not physically, but your mind state

We don't believe we survived.

We think that everything that's preceded after that attempt is an illusion/hallucination/hell/take your pick.

We were unconscious and not breathing for 45 minutes. We "should" be dead. Maybe we are and this is something else. It would explain why every attempt after has been an even bigger failure. Like, the simulation isn't letting me use that cheat code again.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

please only answer if you were serious in your attempt and actively tried to off yourself, but failed.
what was your mental state like?
not physically, but your mind state

completely empty at first, because i thought it would really be it, I was so shocked to be alive that I couldn't process anything, then the grief hit, all of my usual stressors were way harder to handle, because for attempting to ctb id comfort myself with the knowledge that this was one of the last times id ever have to suffer like that, the 2 weeks after it were genuinely awful, worst time of my life, very angry at myself that it had failed, even angrier at other people for trying to safeguard me from trying again