what was your mental state after your first failed attempt?

[xXSufferingXx]

please only answer if you were serious in your attempt and actively tried to off yourself, but failed.
what was your mental state like?
not physically, but your mind state

 

[aspenjrojas]

I tried at 8 years old, but it wasn't that serious an attempt in my opinion. I tried to drown myself. I remember crying and feeling so lost and stupid and broken inside, while my parents yelled at me to stay where it's shallow, because they thought it was an accident. (My dad swam to save me).

I also tried at 12, and that was a bit more serious. I tried to overdose on hydrocodone, crushing and almost a whole bottle, and I remember feeling really happy and then dizzy for what felt like a split second, and I was proud of myself for finally leaving, but then I threw it all up. And I remember waking up on my bathroom door, feeling super super dizzy and my chest was heavy, and hours later at 4am, I got up and went to my bed and just cried. I was so upset I failed and once again felt so stupid. I was stuck wondering why it didn't work and how I could be so stupid and why didn't I do my research and all this stuff, and I felt so empty. The next day I had to go to school, but I left my first period class and then hid in the bathroom with my razor, and I cut myself 4 times and cleaned it and everything, and I stayed in the stall just crying and sitting there and numb until lunch. They called my parents for skipping class, and my parents yelled at me when I got home, and I cut myself once more. Then I just felt kind of numb and didn't even really cry for the next month.

And then years passed but the thought of killing myself never left my mind, I've just been so afraid of failing again.

 

[LastNite]

My mind felt empty. It felt like as if Im watching someone through a tv screen.

 

[plskilme]

I was in middle school at the time. I was tired of being bullied for having seizures and constantly being in the hospital and for loving Pokémon (which I still love). I tried to bang my head against a wall to try to either pass out, or crack it open. I did it under the stairs that lead to the 2nd floor of one of the buildings... I left that day actually crying because they sent me to a place for kids/teens with issues instead of helping me deal with the people who were bullying me, which I begged them to do for months prior. It fucked me up mentally honestly. I still often think about that place they sent me to, and the fact they tested our blood every morning when I was there to try to see if we were on some shit or not...

 

[heal]

My first attempt was an overdose with opiods, which failed due to medical intervention.

My initial feeling after gathering my bearings and realizing I survived was a deep sense of disappointment. Over the next few days, my disappointment turned into defeat, and finally surrender. I was in a state of disassociation over the next two months where I felt disconnect from my body, as though I was piloting it from outside. At least for a while, my problems felt inconsequential because nothing seemed real, which made it easy to passively go along with life. This period was the most at peace I had felt in a long time, but I have since come back down to reality and my suicidal ideation has returned. A part of me was hoping that I would regret my attempt and discover a new lease on life, but my perspective remains unchanged and as pessimistic as ever.

 

[slowlybreaking]

I'm not completely sure if this counts as serious attempt but it definitely was more serious than whatever I had going on the last few years. I tried PSH a couple nights ago and sat right up like three times even though I had been feeling the noose around my neck for a while. I couldn't bring myself to fall, which is why I prefer FSH so there is no chance I could back down, but I don't have any reliable anchor points at home. I was feeling a mix of frustration and void, and went back to sleep. Woke up hours later feeling like a failure.

 

[100memoryleaks]

fucking terrible

i tried psh and passed out but kept waking up

after the third try i noticed the sun was already rising so i just gave up, i was drunk so i could barely stand properly

i just fell down onto the ground and lied there for a while..

i felt so angry and so defeated, so miserable. especially knowing i was so close, especially on my first attempt, all i had to do was hold my breath and not stand up...

i wish i fucking died

 

[suncide10]

As soon as I felt pressure on my neck I stood up. I got scared and asked myself wtf am I doing, I wanted to cry but couldn't.