Discussion What was the intent of your suicide attempt?

[Average Joe]

I understand that the title of this thread may seem bizarre, however some people attempt suicide for different reasons, out of pain, trying to access care, or just an impulsive action in the moment.

The reason I ask is because I just thought more about this after replying to someone's post, it's also something I've been thinking about deeply, as I was sat in A&E yesterday (not for suicide) but I have 23/24 to think about my life including my past suicide attempts. If you follow my thread you also might known I'm preparing to return to mental health nursing in the future.

I hope I can express this in a way that respects everyone and their experiences.

The term is known as Parasuicidal Behaviour / Suicidal Gestures which refers to when someone might engage in a suicidal act without a strong intent to die. It could be a cry for help, a way to express pain when words don't work, or a risky coping mechanism. And then there's also ambivalence, where a person can feel trapped between wanting to live and wanting to die — both at once.

I've been learning (and experiencing) that not all suicidal actions come from the exact same place. Some people may feel completely sure they want to die. Others might be overwhelmed, act impulsively, or find themselves doing something dangerous even while a part of them hopes to be stopped or saved.

I understand this may come across as offensive or ignorant. I don't mean to offend or upset anyone.
I also don't intend to diminish your attempts at suicide nor trivialise them as you are valid, including your thoughts and feelings.
I don't bring this up to say "one type is more valid than another."

All of it is real. All of it hurts. All of it matters. I just wonder if anyone else relates to that grey area? Where you did something dangerous — maybe even life-threatening — but weren't fully set on dying?

How do you make sense of that now?
If you feel comfortable, I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Sending strength to everyone reading.
I also apologise if this doesn't make any sense, I'm still tired and have brain fog from yesterday.

 

[Forveleth]

I am in my 40s and I have not been happy for the vast majority of my life. At this point, even if I were to have a happy life ahead of me, I have no interest in carrying on. I am tired of life and living, so my goal with my attempts was literally just to cease to exist. They have all been planned to some degree, never impulsive. I was not scared or angry. I was just done and ready to go.

 

[Griever]

I want to die

 

[Rynalia]

The point was to die. To cease. Unalive. Existn't.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[Lily6759]

I impulsively attempted pretty recently. I ended up doing it, failing, trying again, failing, trying again, over and over for 2 hours (i estimate 20 times, but I don't know the true amount). Survival instinct kicked in every time, but I know there was a part of me that really wanted to be saved, it wouldn't of taken me that long and still failing if I didn't. There was a much larger part of me that felt like I wanted to die at the time though. All it would've taken was one attempt where I was hanging in that rope for a few more seconds, and the goal was to die, not to gain attention or to be saved. But as much as I wanted to, after so long, the part of me that wanted to live grew louder, and I ended up talking to someone who I knew would help.

I find my brain is split into two parts that feel completely disconnected from each other, instead of a monologue in my head, it's a dialogue between the two, one wants to live, one wants to die, and they're constantly fighting for control over my actions. Majority of the time, my attempts come from a mix between my loneliness and self-hatred, both of which have been extremely bad for many years, so whenever I am alone for an extended period of time, or I am reminded of the reasons I hate myself a little too much, it usually results in me wanting to die, more than I wish to be saved.

 

[Average Joe]

Thank you for all of your responses. Again I hope I don't offend anyone. I've also just celebrated 1000 days recently free of attempting suicide.

I should just add for me personally, when I'm feeling very hopeless I intend to die. however there are some times where my suicide attempts were overruled by a fear of the method I had chosen as well as survival instincts.

I also agree with you Lily, one half of me wants to live and fight whereas the other half of my is just tired and wants to die.

I love you all. So very much. even as strangers, I can somewhat feel a connection and I do empathise with many on this site as I find myself in a similar situation.

apologies again if I'm all over the place

 

[Forever Sleep]

I haven't ever attempted. When I do though (hopefully,) it will be to end my life. To spare myself the present and the future. There's no way I'd want to be stopped or given more 'help' or 'support'. That's also why I wouldn't tell anyone that I was actively suicidal, unless I was 100% sure they wouldn't try to stop me.

I suppose if I screw it up, I'll have to accept that 'support'. The idea of all that absolutely fills me with horror though. Psyche ward stays, my family, employers and friends finding out. No, I've really got to get it right first time.

I wonder if that's something that correlates also. There's a real mix here. People who have told all their friends and family everything about their ideation. Some who've told no one. I'd presume those who tell no one are more about ending their life, rather than hoping people will help support them to live. They keep it secret- sometimes for years, even decades in the hopes they'll be successful ultimately I suppose. Plus, not asking for help along the way presumably means we don't want it.

I don't think it's as simple as the whole: 'People aren't really suicidal. They just want their problems to end.' I think that people who don't ask for much help don't for a variety of reasons. Maybe they initially reached out and had a bad experience or, some sort of negative reaction towards complaining about problems.

I think some of us simply realise that our problems don't have adequate solutions. In which case, death starts to look like the best solution. So- why would we share the problems that people can't solve and, why would we alert them of a potential suicide attempt when we know they'll try to stop us? I think suicidal people can actually be very rational in their own way.

I was put in touch with a 'helpline' following the IC SN welfair check. The entire experience was unpleasant as I assured them I was fine and didn't need their help and they used every sly trick in the book to make me feel suicide was evil. Guilt trips, questioning mental capacity, the lot. We ended by them asking me to promise I would call them before I considered using the SN. I replied that I knew their number now. I would call them if I felt I needed them. I just found it crazy though- why ON EARTH- if I was intent on killing myself would I call a 'helpline' who's sole pupose is to stop people from killing themselves?!! Like- I'm not falling for that one!

I think you're right though. I think there's a whole range of reasons people find themselves in this position. Maybe they don't entirely know or feel certain themselves what they want. In any case, I think it's fair to assume they are in immense pain and just take action to expess it.

 

[CatLvr]

The point was to die. To cease. Unalive. Existn't.

Nothing more, nothing less.

This.

 

[rozeske]

To die. 1000%

 

[Pale_Rider]

To die. Just to much pain.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

My bad genetics. Which contributed to me developing an incurable and unbearable disease, ruining my life. I'm going to end it, just as it ended up destroying me. It will go to the grave with me. It's not my fault I developed it. My parents are to blame for giving me life, knowing my family has defective genes. I'm sorry, but I had to get this off my chest