What ruined you?

[Hollowman]

Concussions, Accutane, illegal drugs and lots of neurotoxic psych meds.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Accutane

This might have played a role for me. Though lighter manic/depressive cycles were already present

 

[idiotmother]

Psychiatric 'medications.'

 

[gasforme]

My family

 

[Uncounted1846]

Childhood abuse- primarily neglect, physical abuse that lasted until I was 12, and whackadoodle decisions that seemed primarily based on ego. I had a hair-pulling disorder as a toddler (seemingly stress from being left alone in the crib too long/not engaged with enough) was put on stimulants for ADHD when I was 5, was on more medications than I could count at 7, was pulled off of all of them cold-turkey & handed off to be raised/homeschooled by another relative at 8, said relative had undiagnosed cancer & chronic fatigue from it & couldn't properly take care of me, was dumped back with my parents at 12, was pulled out of public school again & homeschooled at 14 against my will because I went to outpatient after my suicidal ideation had been found out, & everything after that is a blur of my dissociation due to social isolation from being homeschooled & one-sided fights where my Mom just screamed at me.

The biggest issue with regards to this is having almost no social skills & being easily disturbed. My Mom had a huge social media presence, so dozens of people around the area have a negative view of me based off of getting an overly-intimate birds-eye view into my childhood and judging me for every mistake I made growing up. My body language is cagey and anxious. I have a little girl voice I struggle to move down to a more natural octave because my muscles are always tense. Being abused for so long- having dealt with so many hair-trigger fights set off over petty and inconsequential things, being blamed for my parents separating, everyhing reminds me of the abuse, and I have more memories than I can process that perpetually, unexpectedly, throw me off-guard and put me back into fight-or-flight. I think most of the time I exist in an almost perpetual state of it, only helped by mentally checking out and going to fantasyland.

Somehow I still had the delusion things could be better after all of that until relatively recently.

I relate a lot to your post. I had four sisters growing up, but I was the chosen whipping boy. My egg donor is a classic aggressive, manipulative narcissist. She blamed ME for divorcing my dad after 26 years of marriage. She's incapable of accepting blame. She is the ultimate reason I'm so, so screwed up and incapable of creating lasting, nurturing relationships.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

Childhood trauma, neglect, the lack of family and ongoing abuse/neglect.

 

[violetforever]

abuse to say the least

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Autism, with the sub categories of mental health treatment and epilepsy

 

[annasplight]

i don't even know what i'd pinpoint. there's so many things I could blame it on, but I guess the thing I settle on is my family. My family ruined me

 

[weeping<3willow]

I was born ruined.

this. if it weren't for trauma with a fear of repeating mistakes of others, i'd be such a horrible person

but besides that, grief. i've had four people i've loved died the past four years and i never got to say goodbye to them before they died

edit: mental illness and being neurodiverse never helped

 

[FuneralCry]

Being forced into this dreadful, painful and deeply undesirable existence did, I'll always see it as the most terrible, horrific tragedy how this existence was imposed at all, to be forced into this existence that just causes harm and suffering will always be an abomination to me, the existence of life truly is a mistake to me and I suffer simply from being conscious burdened with this torturous existence that just harms existing beings and tortures them and every second is torture to be conscious.

Existence is just so evil and I always suffer so unbearably from being trapped in this evil, horrific world where dying painlessly is a crime with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, all I've ever hoped for is the peace of non-existence where this torturous, futile existence that just leads to decay and death anyway with no limit as to how much agony one can feel is finally all erased, gone and forgotten. In this existence so evil that just causes endless amounts of suffering and torture all for the sake of it non-existence is all I see as positive, I only envy those who no longer suffer in this existence.

 

[Lamentice]

Grew up in a cult, was severely abused, neglected, and isolated my whole childhood/adolescence. Got kicked out at 17, staved off homelessness by desperately accepting an offer for help by a relative I wasn't close to who lived across the country. I moved across the country, got kicked out by them as well after they stole money from me and treated me like fucking shit. I moved in with some random man off Craigslist, was a bad call (very obviously) and--who could have guessed--went very badly. Since that I've lived alone. I don't have education or much work experience outside of corporate retail & service jobs, which isn't very valuable. I've experienced places I've worked shutting down multiple times now, which always has given me a major homelessness scare but I've managed to find new work and survive financially so far. Lucky.

I work a lot, have multiple jobs (was just recently working 6 days a week, 2 days as doubles, with 3 jobs). I'm exhausted, unhappy, unhealthy, just-
The best thing I've got going for me is physical health is alright, but just alright, because really it's not great either. I've been denied financial aid for health insurance and have chronic fatigue and pain, get sick at least once a month for over a week the past 1.5 years, was having chronic ear infections for a bit that caused some permanent hearing damage. Just recently I got recommended a medication to supplement my immune system, but I can't afford it. So here we are.

If something doesn't change soon, then I can't do it anymore. No family, no friends, no time, no rest. It's not a way to live.

 

[itsgone2]

My father died when I was young. Although when alive, he was mostly angry and distant. I was probably done then. He was pretty brilliant. The type of person that could fix or build anything. I'm the exact opposite.
But then I've just made too many bad choices in life. I don't know why. I usually know what to do and then somehow wind up talking myself into doing the opposite.
I guess it's self-destructive. It worked. But at one point, I was married. I have a child. I'm afraid I've ruined her too.
A few years ago, I realized when I've been wrong and was trying to fix things. But then last fall my company sold. I had everything wrapped up in that. Not the right thing to do just I didn't realize I guess. So now it's all over.

 

[Forveleth]

Staying with my abusive partner. He took everything out of me. My joy, my energy, my patience, my compassion. I have nothing left for myself or anyone else. He took it all. I should have stayed single.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Oh boy.

You need to react to this post in order to see this content.

Even considering all of this... I was born from sexual assault. So I just think I was doomed as soon as I was conceived.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Alcohol
Not understanding love sooner
Stubbornness and denial of reality

 

[Forever Sleep]

Bereavement and bullying leading to a heavy dependence on an unreliable coping mechanism and then the coping mechanism failing.

 

[lovelove416]

1. Family: I've been fucked since my birth. Family of mental illness. Mainly my mom's bipolar episodes and my bitch grandma who emotionally abuses her. Mom got better but she was still struggling. She's kind and wants to be there but has depression to put it. Dad's side is pretty ideal. American dream almost.

2: Other kids: Autism made me a bully magnet. Meaning I had a shit social life. They were cruel in ways you wouldn't imagine and don't want to. The worst was a sexual predator. Yeah, he was also a kid. We were 12 (me) and 15.

3: School: Academics were special education, failure, and the usual American experience. Administration did what they could to save me but were still not perfect. Other kids were horrible.

4: Porn/Internet: Goes without saying. That'll mess anyone up. Got addicted and kinda wanna break my clean streak. Grew up around horrible content.

5: Death: Neighbor died young when I was a kid and I blame myself for not stopping it or ever getting to know him.

6: Sex abuse: Technically digital and also child on child so it's pretty tame. Other people have gotten raped but I'm crying over stuff some guy texted to me.

 

[Spite]

Autism, merciless bullying throughout my entire childhood, social ostracisation from my peers, and being abused by my (now ex) father growing up, are all things that ruined me.

 

[lpdsvm]

I am not sure if I need to write a story.
My main point is I couldn't choose or have something different and better. It made me feel hopeless, and any strong possibility of getting back there makes me ready to CTB.

 

[lawlietsph]

-the neglect and the emotional+physical abuse from my parents
-the bullies in school
-possible autism
-social media

 

[kuroshimi]

Basically, my life ruined by bullying at school and very insistent parents which led to feeling of misunderstanding, poor social skills (due to isolation) and loss of enjoyment of life in general.


As far as I can remember I was always depressed, but I did not take it seriously, because I thought it was my personality trait. As I grew older, I came to understand that this is not entirely true and actually it's a trauma from past that, I guess, ruined me.
Also I'm pretty sure I have some kind of neurodiversity since I always felt like I didn't fit in.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@kuroshimi I think bullying in 7th grade messed me up. For some reason I didn't stand up for myself or even complain to adults. I fantasized about revenge instead. That was a big step towards withdrawing from the world and living in my imagination. Made me a creature of ressentiment.

 

[usoiko]

I think the few things that ruined me were my own doing,,

-I cut myself a lot, theres scars all over both my arms and on my thighs, i still do but rarely since i wear short sleeves these days
-constant self isolation
-consuming mass amounts of gore and porn
-getting myself into stupid internet drama.

All that plus the fact my parents were never really there for me until my mental state got so bad

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Another answer: BIPOLAR DISORDER

I have a real diagnosis. I've clearly had manic and depressive episodes and they've become more severe with time. I'm beginning to accept more that I have a condition and stop excoriating myself so much. This makes me want to pump the brakes on CTB.

OTOH bipolar is a great reason to die. It's already taken my life and it's progressive--the episodes keep getting worse.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Looking back I see three things that messed up my mind:

- masturbation/pornography
- coffee
- fiction (mostly film, some novels)

These three things gave me dopamine detached from achievement. I was tough once, disciplined, ambitious. Around college age I started to live more and more in my head until I lost the plot entirely. If I had a time machine I would be much more careful about these.

People with more serious problems, homelessness, deaths in the family, etc., feel free to laugh at me.

Divorce, financial situation, social media and the dumbing down of America