Discussion What % of your life have you had suicidal thoughts? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

Percentages were a while ago for me, so I needed a reminder. The equation is:

Amount of years suicidal ÷ Your age x 100.

So, mine would look like: 35 years suicidal ÷ 45 (my age) x 100 = 77.7777... I remember from maths that- numbers after the two numbers we need above 5, we round up. Numbers below, we round down. So, I come out as 78% of my life, I've had ideation.

I guess if you've only had ideation for months, you'd need to work out the decimal value of that first. With the same equation as above as follows:

Amount of months suicidal (for example: 4) ÷ 12 (months in a year) x 100 = 0.41666... (0.42)

I thought it might be interesting to see in poll form too. So, once calculated- add there if you would like.

I know we've had multiple threads by now on how long we may have had ideation but, this is kind of interesting I think because it puts it in terms of how bigger chunk of our lives we've felt like this.

 

[Jadeith]

Let's see... I'm 47, started wondering if the world would be a better place without me around my teenage days, let's say 16 so it gives 31 years BUT - 5 years at the university. Very intense period, had no time to think about anything else but my studies (most of the time) so it leaves roughly 26 years - 55% of my lifetime.

 

[Irisse]

For me it's 52%, it started in 2012 when I was 12 and now I'm 25.

 

[Michelstaedter]

For over 20 years I have had suicidal thoughts, but in the last 8 years they have become more intense, almost most of the day, every moment reminds me of the desire to leave this world.

 

[Arb]

62% for me, started at around 11, I'm 29 now.

And that's just how far I can remember, it's possible it started earlier but I deal with a lot of blurry or "locked" memories

 

[kunikuzushi]

17/32*100=53.125

 

[NonEssential]

For me it's 52%, it started in 2012 when I was 12 and now I'm 25.

thanks for doing the math for me because I'm the exact same lol.

 

[Alexandra_]

I've been experiencing suicidal thoughts for almost my entire life. This will continue until death takes me

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Suicide arrived in my mind in early 2011. I was 21. I'm now 36. What a disaster my life has been. I made MISTAKES, gang. I did not regulate my inner life correctly. I threw away opportunities of amazing value. A talented kid who morally corrupted himself. That's me.

 

[$yck]

Just calculated, ≈67%. Made my first declaration of suicide at 7 [didn't really know what suicide was but I knew I wanted to be dead], I'm basically 21, so about 14 years. Literally the only reason I wasn't suicidal earlier in my life was because I wasn't super concious.

 

[pogostick]

I voted around 40-49%. I've been suicidal since I was around 11 and now I'm 19. I didn't actually do the math, I just picked what seemed right roughly lmao

 

[Seneca65AD]

At least 2/3's of my adolescence and adult life. I used the prospect of CTB to give me an out if my career did not take off, or if my investments failed, or if my attempts to live a good life crashed. It has almost been like a "friend" who has allowed me to exceed my comfort zone because it gives me a way out. Now, given my relatively advanced age, I realize that it may not matter at all. It feels like the time to pay the toll is getting closer.....

 

[telekon]

I had them briefly when I was 20 and then for the last 2 years (30 now) so less than 9%

 

[ConstantPain]

Starting at age 3, I hated having to say my prayers before bed. It didn't make any sense to me because I didn't believe in God and I liked the idea of not waking up. I'm 48 now and have felt exactly the same way my whole life. I can think of nothing better than just not wa
waking up. That was supposed to be the end of my last response.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

80-85% since I've had it since 3 or 4.

 

[wheelsonthebus]

Last I saw my psych, I told him "I'm sorry, but I have clear memories since the age of four, onward, of wanting to be dead." I wasn't ever raised with death as any sort of mystery, since birds and squirrels dead in the neighborhood were always present, and nobody lied about it. Understanding their experience was like what mine was somewhat like when I was asleep but not dreaming or before I was born (so nothing) was easy enough, and it may have had something to do with being a very neurodivergent, clinically neurologically developed child (10 year old brain in a 6 year old body, 15 year old brain in a 9 year old body, etc). "Genius baby" wanted to die, though. It leveled out as I matured and now I guess I'm just a kind of dumb adult. Feeling like I let myself down even though this is probably what was always going to happen does not help. But accelerated mental development doesn't mean it was the brain of a smart teenager in a child's body, doctors seemed to forget. So 83% of my life, I guess.

After I told him I'm fairly sure this feeling is kind of built in, not a surface level thing I could just turn on or off like it's often approached as, he launched into this like... holier-than-thou tirade about how I have no right to say that until I've "actually tried everything." His idea of everything? An IOP program he's been trying to make me do despite trying 2 times in the past and confirming that if regular one-on-one therapy is difficult enough for my social-cue-lacking brain to navigate, dealing with 5-10 other people's judgement and sensibilities in the room and being dishonest about what I experience to avoid triggering anyone (understandable but not helpful) was not going to be better. He also kept conveniently forgetting what I had reminded him of not even 10 minutes earlier: that I cannot afford to take on what basically amounts to a second, unpaid job. 4 hours a day, 4 days a week?? In this economy? And still make rent?? When a huge issue contributing to my depression is financial struggles? Okay, buddy.