
Illidan77
╰━≪ - ≫─╯
- Nov 22, 2022
- 116
A lot of similar reasons like previous answers, for the first failed attempt.. but this time.. still same reasons, but more into some kind realization.
Describes my own miserable life this year quite well alsoI just don't have anything left in me to keep going on. I am tired, afraid, hopeless, defenceless and so sad. There is just too much wrong to even explain it all. It's like being a raw nerve open to everything. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live anymore. I cannot see a way forward
im bipolar tooIncurable mental illness (bipolar) and childhood trauma. The only times im genuinely happy is when i think of ctb
I didn't decide it, life decided that for me.To be quite frank, I am slightly embarrassed to be splurging, considering many other people on this site have considerably worse problems than I, whether physical or mental, financial or otherwise.
My main reasons are due to mental health/conditions. I have mild Autism/Aspergers, ADHD, as well as undiagnosed depression and anxiety. The last three worsened considerably during the pandemic. A more short term reason would be my academics, but for brevitys sake, I'll elaborate on that in another comment if people want to know more about that.
My ADHD (only very recently diagnosed) has where almost anything I set my mind to ends up being half done at best, which has always left me in a state of limbo and uncertainty and, as someone who prides themselves on achievement and excellence, I almost always come away frustrated and feeling as if I'm never able to fulfil my potential and function as a human being. This played havoc with my academics, While I'm grateful to having being diagnosed this year and thus having medication that has greatly helped me, I only wish I'd have had it much earlier when it could have made more a difference.
As for my depression, it's robbed me of the ability to genuinely enjoy life and even lifelong interests, hobbies, passions et cetera. Even my sense of humour has largely evaporated over the years. Not even truly beautiful places such as the Lake District (I'm British) can lift it. Regular depressive episodes lasting between a day and a week really cut into my productivity, and most likely contribute to an ever weaker working memory. I suspect the ADHD has contributed, but I've other reasons for depression, ehich aren't specific to it, so I doubt knowing about the former would have changed my circumstances significantly. The antidepressants I've tried haven't mitigated anything and the most recent one only makes me have a sore throat. I'll try and see if another batch works, but I'm sceptical.
Whilst it's been an exacerbating factor, the autism is a facet of myself which isn't a reason in of itself, but does contribute to a lack of tolerance for incompleteness along with impaired social skills, which spurred me to pursue excellence in other areas. Unfortunately, this seems to be a series of Sisyphean tasks and I've just become exhausted.
Considering how bleak things like housing prices are, along with the matter of me living with my family as I'm unable to work due to depression, makes me feel superfluous and dependent on others, as opposed to forging my own way in life.
While I had hopes and dreams, I believe that most are unachievable at this point or, even if they were, I couldn't bring myself to care about them, considering my mind processes everything as stale, starchy mush these days. I've had this experience for such a long time (over a decade) and I feel like such a dysfunctional and miserable mess that I wish to end my existence.
The sociobiological construct of relationships. As a man, you're only dateable based on how much you have in your account. When I was in college without a dollar to my name nobody would give me the time of day.
Until I finally killed it and landed a hedge fund job and made bank. Then everybody all of a sudden remembered my name. So when I was nobody with nothing to show I wasn't dateable, but all of a sudden when I stole the show I was an eligible bachelor. Oh really?
The hedge fund blew up, and with it my relationships due to my socioeconomic status. Although, I knew what I was capable of. I rebuilt everything over thrice as much. The Exes came back after they saw the money and I also had every woman's attention all of a sudden. Oh nice! So now when I have money I the woman all of a sudden line up. Interesting!
So then I did a social experiment: I posted on Facebook that my joint venture blew up, my car was repossessed and I had a lien on my house and was staying with my brother. The first person to leave my life was my fiance, followed by a few colleagues and some dead weight friends. Then I hit the rewind button post on Facebook that it was as social experiment, my joint venture was thriving, my car was intact in the garage and I had a selfie pic with a new second Audi, and my Soho flat wasn't actually repossessed I just rented it out on Airbnb and just stayed with my brother in for the duration of the experiment. During that time it felt like I was back in high school. I was the sideline guy in the back of every girl's eye, the backup option in the back of their radar while they set their sights on high.
When everyone found out they were surprised, but I found out who my true friends were and the rest well, the rest is history.
I sold my second startup for a nice ton of cash, lit up a match and set it all the blaze. I disposed all of my assets to charity and funding for University research, and essentially through everything away.
Life is a sociobiological game and there's no such thing as relationships based on who you are as a person; your qualities, character, integrity and values. Rather, relationships are based on the size of your wallet, and the quality based on how much it's quantity changes over time. Removing myself from this playing field as a participant of it to the stadium as an objective observer of it - it's a cute game, just not my speed. No complaints. To the contrary, selection of mates based on socioeconomic status is a critical evolutionary function enabling the propagation of this species survival.
I have patents and intellectual property where I can just reset and make bank again, I still have industry connections and access to funding. But why the fuck would I want to make all of this money to share with someone whose love is measured not by what I'm worth on the inside but by how my income varies?
And so, it's a cute game but I'm clocking out. All of my funds have been disposed to fund research for Alzheimer's and other ailments.
And the rest is history. Let everybody fuck each other and propagate away and enjoy all of life's pleasures, but I want no part in it. I've made peace with my fate accepted my end and will be pulling the plug with a lethal infusion of Profanol, Phenobarbital and Fentanyl with the mega dose of benzos as I tried in my first attempt. Unfortunately I was found after someone heard me gagging on my vomit.
This time I won't be found. Anyways, the combination feels like being overwhelmed with this massive Rush of with euphoria that becomes so increasingly overwhelming and peaceful you feel like you're resting your head on a pillow, sinking your head into a warm summer cloud, expelling yourself into non-existence.
That's it folks!
I wrote that reply with one eye open and the other closed awake from the other day so I just realized the clusterfuck of typos I made LOL can't edit it now but anyways ...I wholeheartedly respect your decision
to ctb as you clearly have many reasons but just wanted to say that my brother makes about $12,000.00 USD a year and he has never had a problem attracting quality mates so maybe it's the environment you were meeting these people in. Just wanted to say it's not all about the money everywhere, all the time. It may just be a characteristic of the culture you were involved in when you were involved with your hedge fund. That makes sense for those circumstances but it doesn't speak for everyone, everywhere, all the time. xo