What led to you feeling suicidal?

[Leopard2023]

I feel suicidal because of many reasons, hard to explain. Some of it is because of my disabilities.

 

[avaruus]

Many reasons.. loneliness, hopelessness, lack of purpose, guilt/shame, feeling shit all the time

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I first experienced waves of depression in Kindergarten but suicide didn't cross my mind until a couple years later when during a moment of extreme stress and pain, I deduced that death was the only way to escape my suffering and so this has been a running theme in my life ever since

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I don't see existing as being desirable at all, I see it as better to cease existing under all circumstances, all that has ever appealed to me is a dreamless and eternal sleep free from all suffering and harm. I'd prefer for this existence to be forgotten about than to decay from age and suffer so unnecessarily in an existence that wasn't worth enduring in the first place, wanting to die is all that feels right to me, existing just fills me with dread.

 

[Darkover]

i first became suicidal after a 2 and half year relationship breakup at 18 now 37, now had a relationship since then, but the main reason i am suicidal now is because of a brain injury i got 7 years ago

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Trauma. Feeling like I was more of an adult when I was a child and now that I'm technically an adult I feel like more of a child then I ever was. When certain events happen in your life that you have no control over you become emotionally and mentally stunted. Feeling like a burden and a waste of space. Needing more help and guidance than the average person. I've been suicidal since I was 13-14. The reasons have only slightly varied but it's all the same really. I think if I could Back To The Future my life maybe I could undo the need to CTB

 

[SodiumHydroxideNaOH]

Mostly curiosity, I also got exposed to some pessimism and nihilism. I think existing is worthless when it has to come to an end.

 

[manuel1056x]

Many reasons.. loneliness, hopelessness, lack of purpose, guilt/shame, feeling shit all the time

Agree on that.

 

[SeonSeia]

I mean I really only have two choices in life: be alone or be a burden. I just don't want to choose, cause I can't handle either.

 

[missporcelain]

The stress and realization that I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but as a 20 something female, I have to. I feel I can never meet expectations and the bar is constantly lifted higher and higher. It's not just a fleeting feeling of angst, but this psyche crippling anxiety and paranoia that while others marry, raise families, have a partner in life to be a financial umbrella and security, I must take on what society deems as "Male responsibility", because right now, life is just that. For some reason, my love life and the multiple failures within it lead me to the darkest headspace and apathy to life and exacerbates the underlying feelings of hopelessness. There is this crippling feeling of discard and rejection, or the roller coaster of your heart being petted and then stabbed, that feels like my insides have been sucked out of my body. My obsessions and fixations on a reality and even suitors that end up never meeting my mind's idealized version, has this way of making me feel like nothingness and crumbs. It is then that I start to over philosophize life. I am Christian and believe in Christ's teachings, yet I still ask:

If Heaven is home and Earth is temporary, and indeed we are innately spiritual beings having a brief human experience, why then fight for a mere number of days? Is death this terrifying idea because mankind has chosen to describe it in fear? Or, is it because death is the one part of life no one can give an account and experience for, existence is all we know, and the concept of non-existence is something we cannot humanly recollect?

My biggest question: Am I living a half death on Earth, when (according to the Bible) to die is to truly live?

It is interesting to me that in Christianity, death leads to Eternal life and perfection and is preached as this beautiful thing…until you voluntarily wish to crossover by your own hands, instead of life taking you out. Then, the arguments suddenly hype up Earth as though it is Heaven.

 

[darknesscomesquick]

I have been living with severe depression for the last 30 years. I also have Complex PTSD from years of traumatic invalidation, sexual traumas inflicted on me as a child, and being raped as an adult. I have also started to be able to name that my CPTSD comes flavored with dissociation—i feel like im going fucking nuts and out of control which as you can imagine feels awful and hopeless even. I have put in many years of therapy and have submitted myself to all sorts of medications and combinations of medications as well as multiple modalities of TMS…I stopped just short of ECT for treatment of depression.

At this point in my life, living with all this pain feels like living with a terminal illness. If this was a physical illness such as cancer that became terminal or even if it was some sort of dementia, there wouldn't be a person around who wouldn't see suicidality as a noble thing. Because my pain is from a mental illness and horrible treatment others inflicted on me, I'm expected to pick myself up and get all Pollyanna about my situation? Nope. I'm past all that. I'm ready to move on.

Trauma. Feeling like I was more of an adult when I was a child and now that I'm technically an adult I feel like more of a child than I ever was. When certain events happen in your life that you have no control over you become emotionally and mentally stunted. Feeling like a burden and a waste of space. Needing more help and guidance than the average person. I've been suicidal since I was 13-14. The reasons have only slightly varied but it's all the same really. I think if I could Back To The Future my life maybe I could undo the need to CTB

I Can relate to this so much…trauma makes CTB feel like the logical outcome after dealing with the crap we've had to deal with all our lives.

 

[toofargone6969]

The destruction of my physical and mental health over the last year and a half, the foundation for the destruction was set in my teenage years but I managed to escape and be relatively healthy and happy for many years. Now I'm a shell of who I once was and I've tried everything to get back to who I was with no improvement. Its particularly horrible because I have a loving, supportive family and partner, and plenty of money and opportunities, so I have everything to live for. But my mind and body are so sick and disgust me, and I can't live to see them continue to degrade. I'm unable to leave my home and I dont add anything to anyone's life anymore. I hate myself because this is all my fault and there's no going back to what I had. I had such a good life and I ruined it and wasted it. I'm a complete failure and waste of resources.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

My story is quite bizarre. I have severe allergies.I misused an over-the-counter nasal spray (xylometazoline hydrochloride) for 2.5 years when it's designed for use for a few days. Unfortunately, I didn't the harm I was doing to my nose until too late. Now I have a nose that doesn't work properly: each and every breath is uncomfortable. Save to say, it won't be long before I CTB. They are going to try surgery first, so I'm hanging around for that. If it works I won't CTB, but I'm not terribly optimistic. I've prepared myself already: I have a 100g of SN sealed in a bottle in my wardrobe of all places. So pleased to have got my hand on SN. As you can imagine, living with my breathing issues is not feasible, but paradoxically I was worried about hanging myself; having the SN has given me great confidence that when the time comes, I'm ready!

 

[rainseahorse]

used to be able to disconnect from thinking about reality but finding out i have alopecia areata kinda tipped me over the edge. two random spots of hair loss, 1 spot regrew within a month, 2nd spot was stubborn but now a little regrowth after 2 months so I hope it's sustained (and never comes back) T_T

 

[sserafim]

There's a lot of things: my neurodivergence (disabilities): 3A's (Asperger's, adhd, (social) anxiety)), failure to launch, failing at adulthood, scared of having to grow up and become a real adult, not seeing a future for myself, not seeing myself ever become an actual adult, not wanting to enter the workforce or working world, feeling like life as an adult is meaningless (having to work for a living), wanting to die before I have to do this, and wanting to die young and never get old. Also, wanting to die before my life gets any worse. And the fact that I just was not made for this world

 

[S like suicide]

My family.
I wish they were not my family.
I hate them from the bottom of my heart and I wish they could suffer and be miserabile for the rest of their days for all the pain they inflicted to me...fuck my mother,my brother and my father,scum and pieces of shit!may all the evil of the world fall over your head like a forever curse.
I am sorry for the bad words and this vent but when it's enough,it's enough,I endured too much in all these years and I will never be free from all the traumas and the internal wounds i have because of them and I tried hard...i will have to die because of all of this because there is no solution....i did prefer i was a fucking orphan than be part of this fucking sick and shitty family.i am disgusted.

 

[BlazingBob]

No family, declining health, severe, unrelenting treatment resistant depression. Going broke. Homelessness. Loneliness and isolation.

 

[Unknown21]

Life is invalid to live, this world is fucked up.

 

[peachchildtenshi]

Loneliness, Guilt, Lack of motivation, Break up.

 

[Old Friend]

God, where to start...

My parents are fundamentally good people but utterly dysfunctional. My dad used to beat me for the littlest thing. Sometimes I wouldn't even know what I did wrong. My mum would do nothing. They decided to have four kids, although they couldn't afford it nor were willing to upgrade to a larger house more appropriate for the family size. Don't get me wrong: I'm the oldest of the four and I love my brother and two sisters and can't imagine not growing up with them but it was still a stupid decision.

A woman in the next street who my mum used to know "did things to me" once when she was minding me. I was 3/4. Never told a soul about it. Not even now. When I was 14 some man tried to sexually attack me in the park, I'm male by the way. I got away from him, ran home and told my parents and my dad blamed me for it. Mum did nothing.

Went to an awful all boys school. It was like prison. Most of my energy went on getting through the day rather than learning. It was violent and you were expected to have fights to earn respect. It was very homophobic yet it came out shortly after I left that many of these tough guys had been getting up to things in a nearby wooded area.

I suffer from fatigue. I got a heavy cold or flu or something when I was 15. Was never the same afterwards. It's ruined my motivation for doing anything, even things I enjoy. It compromised both my academic and career prospects. I've also struggled with depression since about 12.

My girlfriend loves me but she never wants to do anything. She seems hellbent on being an old person before her time. We rarely go out, we never have sex. She doesn't have any friends out of choice. She's just happy sitting in the house with me, whilst barely talking to me. She knows I'm not happy but if she senses I want to have that conversation, she gets evasive.

Then there's the attachment issues and the limerence. I have tendancy to fall hard for pretty-but-troubled girls and it never ends well. This tendency lessens when I'm in a relationship with enough affection but boy is it back now. A girl I met last year took a shine to me. I thought she was very sweet and pretty but, you know, I have a girlfriend. I've had girls take a liking to me before but this girl had bpd and seemed to want to take me over entirely. She saw rejection in the slightest thing and would cry. Would make little tests to assess my loyalty and would scan everything I'd say for feelings. Long story short, she ended up taking us both out. She ended up in a "home" and I was an emotional wreck. I'm still unravelling. There's more to it, including her idiot mum who's the reason she's like that in the first place but it's a story for another day.

Anyway, after cracking up and my girlfriend barely noticing, I decided to get a full time job - give trying to live a normal life one last roll of the dice. Have been in full time work since February. What a stupid idea. It's not a bad job and unusually for this day and age there's room for progression up the ladder but with the fatigue and the depression it's taking its toll. I had lots of time and not much money and now I have no time but some money. And so what? It's not like I care about money all that much. I can't do this. I can't just accept getting up early 5 days a week to the protests of my fatigued body, work, come home tired, go to bed, rinse and repeat, for decades and then die. Also, my girlfriend doesn't want children ever. I always assumed I would at some point. So what's the point of going through middle age and old age just doing the same druggery, just the two of us? What's the end game? It's not for me.

And to add insult to injury, I've had tinnitus in my right ear since May of this year. An annoying high-pitched squeel. It's constant and never goes away. I'm assuming it's pernament at this point.

Anway, hope that answers the question.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

Abuse and trauma, mostly. Also guilt and shame.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Failure in life. Recovery is impossible.

 

[Bacon and Baseball]

My story is quite bizarre. I have severe allergies.I misused an over-the-counter nasal spray (xylometazoline hydrochloride) for 2.5 years when it's designed for use for a few days. Unfortunately, I didn't the harm I was doing to my nose until too late. Now I have a nose that doesn't work properly: each and every breath is uncomfortable. Save to say, it won't be long before I CTB. They are going to try surgery first, so I'm hanging around for that. If it works I won't CTB, but I'm not terribly optimistic. I've prepared myself already: I have a 100g of SN sealed in a bottle in my wardrobe of all places. So pleased to have got my hand on SN. As you can imagine, living with my breathing issues is not feasible, but paradoxically I was worried about hanging myself; having the SN has given me great confidence that when the time comes, I'm ready!

this resonates with me. I know people are suffering way more than me, and I think about ctb a lot lately, so I know the people suffering more surely do. That daily trauma, and the breathing, something you have to do constantly. You have my sympathy and respect

 

[hevlalab]

I made a pretty big mistake regarding my uni degree. I thought of myself as a failure afterwards and thought that I ruined my future.

 

[RainLover]

Nobody loved me in a romantic way in my entire life, I'm lonely as fuck, my parents always deny any problems I have, I'm in a shitty economic situation... not worth it life overall

 

[turntechGodhead]

i could stay here all day n list all the things that brought me to this point but i can say that i simply found it comforting since to die is to no longer exist now i think abt ctb quite often even on good days

 

[Cajuncatastrophe]

Being subjected to be in child porn half my childhood, trafficked, eating disorders, abusive relationships, overbearing family, alcoholism and drug use, mental illness, self harm and a lifetime of flashbacks and CPTSD. It's just too much being a product to be consumed for my entire existence. I just want rest.

 

[watchingthebuses]

Being subjected to be in child porn half my childhood, trafficked, eating disorders, abusive relationships, overbearing family, alcoholism and drug use, mental illness, self harm and a lifetime of flashbacks and CPTSD. It's just too much being a product to be consumed for my entire existence. I just want rest.

Omg I'm sorry could anyone ever deny you deserving some rest after all that happened... fuck what the world makes some people go through and turn a blind eye on all the things going on in the darkness. I hope you can find your peace soon no matter what form they come in...
I honestly don't know, my dream growing up as a kid was death so some time in childhood those thoughts must have planted in my brain but I've never not thought about wanting to die and it's grown more concrete so I think they're here to stay. I just wish I didn't have all these burdens so I could just leave.

 

[CH349]

I've been like this ever since I was young.

 

[borderline-feline]

The 2 roots for me are autism and trauma. Both have made my life hell