I got diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and a sleeping disorder.
(I really just told my whole recovery story lol, I am sorry for the book I wrote).
life was crazy back then, my sleep circle was a complete mess, I couldn't focus on school anymore and my grades dropped. I started sh but dropped it soon after my mom and sister found out.
I decided to seek help, the psychiatrist was really nice but the therapist was the worst I have ever met. As a 13 year old sitting there, only crying and being unable to speak meanwhile my mother was sitting next to me. The only thing I was truly able to answer was when she asked me if I have suicidal thoughts.
Mind you, I was a 13 year old girl, who had no idea what was wrong with me and being faced with my problems like that for the first time. I understand the frustration she must have felt but the way she reacted was not only unprofessional but also apathetic for any adult. After the session she flipped out on the reception when talking to the psychiatrist and in front of us. Yelling how this is absolutely no use and she can't continue with me.
I don't know why but the psychiatrist only gave me a certain medication for a very short time and not the at least recommended 2 weeks it takes for SSRI Antidepressants to take effect. She started giving me others and those made me feel terrible. I had suicidal visions wherever we would go, crossing bridges I wished to jump down from, taking the train, I wish I could jump in front of etc.
I refused to take my meds and my mom told me that I have to or I will have to go to a psych ward. I was so done and knew I needed help badly that I said ,okay, I will go'. My mom told me not to go. Due to a medical illness she has been in psych wards before. (I know many don't believe in depression being inherited but I am certain that I got it from her). But I insisted cause I knew I would eventually give in and take my life otherwise. Also, I stopped going to school cause my mental health was too bad. (Teachers made fun of me instead of trying to help btw)
long story short: I ended up being in the psych ward for 6 months (14-15 year old). I started cutting again, sadly. I took the meds my therapist first gave me but for more than 2 weeks and they helped me (also melatonin). I finally addressed my underlying trauma from my moms sickness that put her in and out of the hospital since I was a kid. I felt worse everytime I went home on the weekends tho so my therapist recommended me to leave home and live in a supervised residential group. She believed I was influenced by my moms depression and was falling into old patterns again.
I went back home after 3 months tho cause it was absolutely not for me. I was still cutting and once again considering to ctb. School finally went so much better again and I got good grades again but I needed to leave. I never got to see a psychiatrist or therapist (except one time) which I crucially needed after leaving the psych ward but it just never happened. So I did leave. I had cps up my ass for some time tho and I tell you, they are the worst. The woman ended working against me and not with me. At one point she said that she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore which makes absolutely no sense so she stopped coming (very profession I know). She wrote complete bs in her reports, like me, refusing to take my meds (which I have never once done since bejng in the psych ward). Through some lucky circumstances they low-key forgot about me tho lol. (I was 15-16 at that time)
After being back home I got in contact with a psychiatrist and a lovely therapist. It was an incredibly hard road which included switching medications after the old ones stopped working and lots of therapy.
I had troubles with school tho since I went back to my old school which made me feel like absolute shit again (especially anxiety wise). I had the same teachers that literally bullied me before but I stood my ground. Still, it wasn't working and I had troubles going back to school for ages. I finally switched after 1 and a half year of torture there.
Especially with cps it was horrible. They ruined way more than they supported me. Being underaged was terrible. No one listens to you, everyone talks like you're not even in the room and constantly invalidate your feelings. I got told that I can't be that depressed since I manage to put on Make-up and shower (which I only did due to my social anxiety) and because I managed to follow my hobby once a week (which took me immense energy and wasn't even fun but more like a chore at that point). I really can see why so many young people commit ctb. Those interactions leave deep scars and can prevent them from having faith and hope in therapy and medication even after reaching adulthood (which is why I am so happy to not be underaged anymore)
Anyways, I stopped going to therapy since it was making me feel worse due to constantly being confronted with problems from the past. I learned to deal with it (mostly, so it wasn't really needed anymore) and my medication got adjusted to a fitting level. Now I am living live and trying me best to shape they way to hopefully study medicine in the future. Ofc I am not 100% there yet and I still have my bad days but I am doing so so much better compared to when I was a teenager.
My psychiatrist does want to go down with my medication in summer tho since I have been on it for 2-3 years now and I am honestly scared since the last time did not go that well (which was a year ago to be fair). But yes, I am turning 20 this year and life really turned for the better for me <3.
