[FAILED] Goodbye. (GHB overdose)

[WaitingToGo]

Glad you are still here. You can always ctb another day, hope you are feeling ok. Tycho is great music to leave this life to

 

[western_heart]

Going to re-attempt less than 12 hours after the previous attempt, before the benzos worse off.

Here is what I will do differently:
Booze: as I think I liked earlier, the GHB guide mentions it's essential to mix 300-400 mL hard liquor which you cannot buy here after 10pm or so. I did not drink at all during my previous attempt. So, I when I woke at 12:45 an,I rushed to the gas station to buy a 10 packs of diluted 21% liquor. It should suffice. Need to pace drinking them vs being sober enough to measure out the does. I've already had one tiny bottle mixed with Gatorade.
until today I had gone three years without alcohol.

Benzos: I'l do a lot more.

Antimetics/sleepy drugs: If I have any nearby I might take some quetiapine too.

GHB: I'm going to double the dose. 20 g instead of 10 g. 9 g is 150% of the LD50 for my dose.

I should have bought a few scratch-offs along with the booze. Maybe I'll go back out to get some orange juice and any other mixer... maybe if I win big I won't CTB after all.

Ondansetron: Maybe I should have one non-ODT capsule now as I'll be drinking a lot of booze in the next few hours.

 

[Shadowlord900]

No seriously do not attempt again so soon afterwards! Your body has built up too much tolerance to GHB. Even taking double of what you took last time might not be enough. Who knows how much more GHB you'd need to use to make up for your built up tolerance.

Unless if you're at risk of going broke in future, can't you hold off for at least another few more months before attempting another drug overdose again? You could use that time to help build up your drug stash to give your next attempt more chance at success.

 

[stoopid]

I would wait a few days because of the tolerance, but damn that sucks. Had a similar experience and instead of dying I got horrible migraine that lasted for 2 days and couldn't swallow enough medicine because I killed my stomach because I inhaled like 100 different meds the same time. Take a few days and chill, just double it next time, you have time

 

[Fwompje]

12 am sunday. I am still alive

Just 6 hours later after the supposed fatal GHB dose and I'm still here still here.

I did not vomit. But I am still alive

How strange that you didn't even vomit... Your body sounds like a miracle worker!

I'm glad to see you still here, yet I'm also sorry you didn't get your wish fulfilled this time.

 

[western_heart]

Gf called cops, being transported to hospital now

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

 

[Shadowlord900]

Gf called cops, being transported to hospital now

I'm sorry to hear that. Admittedly I do think it's for the best though because of how soon you was gonna attempt another drug overdose. (Seriously just put it on hold for another few months if you can, coz then you'll have a better chance of succeeding.) I just hope hospital treats you well enough.

 

[western_heart]

my trust in my partner is ruined

 

[crowbait]

my trust in my partner is ruined

i think my response is going to make you angry but i'll say it anyways because i don't care what people think about me on a suicide forum to be honest. i don't know anything about your relationship- what i know is just from this forum thread: your gf knew about your account on here and so had awareness you are suicidal, you just tried to kill yourself and were unconscious until your girlfriend got home (not sure if she found you?), you made plans to attempt again immediately despite being told that it is unsafe with your current tolerance, and your gf put you in the hospital for being suicidal.

i understand how you feel right now, i have had the exact same shit happen to me with almost every attempt and i have cut people off for literal years because of it. but please if you can try to understand things from your girlfriend's perspective. she's probably been worried sick about when/if you'll kill yourself since she knows you are on here. she comes home from work and finds that you were unconscious from a damn near successful attempt. she almost lost you. and you were gonna try again. of course she is going to put you in the hospital, that's the only place you can be stopped from killing yourself, and she (presumably? idk how your relationship is and it's not my business) loves you and doesn't want you to leave her. i don't prescribe to the pro-life vs pro-choice shit on here because that's such a nuanced discussion, i think i should be allowed to kill myself because i'm selfish and so should terminally ill or incurably ill (physically or mentally) people and i mind my business when it comes to others.

but it's a natural thing to not want your partner to kill themselves. she has done what anybody would do for their partner they care for. i get it sucks, and i get you want to leave, and psych wards are shitty and cops are corrupt useless pieces of shit. but she has done what anyone else would have done. she wasn't going to just act like everything is normal after you try to kill yourself, that's not how people are.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so horrible to be forced to go to a hospital, I hate how we exist in a world where suicidal people get punished for planning to die, it's just so cruel and unfair. I hope that you get out of there soon.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

my trust in my partner is ruined

She did it because she is extremely biased and blinded by her love for you. I cannot say whether it was the right or wrong thing for her to do because it is both selfish and understandable of her. I don't know what to say except I am sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to.

 

[Darkover]

legalized kidnapping forced imprisonmentand forced drugging and deprived of privacy what aload shit this place

 

[western_heart]

Sigh. I can see the notes the med staff write me.

I am being involuntary commited (instead of voluntary) because I wrote a suicide note and gf showed it to the cops, and handwote my signature. Gf proceeded to show it to the police.

Eta: my gf is refusing to bring me a phone charger. I actually have one along in a bag with my purse and clothes! But it is stored elsewhere down the hall and I don't think I'm allowed to leave my room.

 

[ksp]

thank you for updating us!

i hope you're recovering well, and you get some rest after this experience (and personal conflicts)

 

[AngryDog]

Those kind of hospitalization can be real hard. I know you'll probably dismiss this, but I hope you can recover.

 

[chr74]

@western_heart just seen this thread, can you update us on how you are doing?

 

[Valky]

Hey, how you holding up love?
I understand you are upset but I can also understand your partner.

 

[azzy]

I think you should hold off on attempting again too soon. Many drugs lose their lethality potential if you are used to them and you just gave yourself a hell of a dose of whatever your substance is.

I am so sorry you are suffering, but please take some time to be kind to yourself. It's never too late to CTB and you can always try again later.

I'd reccomend using a harm reduction service to get your substance tested.

agreed, also waiting off until tensions go down. i'm sure your partner will be on alert or anyone else in your life that knows about the failed attempt. maybe use this time to get the method right and to lower suspicion.

we're here to support with whatever you need rn

 

[Letgo]

How are you? How are you feeling?

 

[Lavander 230]

And to this day she is still locked up in a mental asylum with no phone charger...

 

[western_heart]

Hi everyone, I'm sorry for not replying to my thread sooner. I thought I made another post after I got out of the hospital, but guess I forgot! my life has changed significantly since the attempt, and I am trying to recover.

I wish I'd worried more about potential consequences of failing besides getting locked up & any lasting physical harm from the attempt. It sucks but it did get me to change stuff that I wasn't going to change otherwise. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded, sometimes I'm glad to be alive. With the days getting longer I've been seeing a lot of sunsets and it feels nice. I regret failing, I hurt people around me pretty bad with my attempt. But even more than that I regret not trying to solve some of my problems another way earlier. Things were getting out of control for me, when I ran out of distractions after Christmas I started doing acid every week or so. I warmed up to the idea of attempting on my own. It used to be my favorite drug but I think I'm done with it for good.

My last post in this thread was when I was still in the emergency room. That night I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital. Weird experience, it ended up being a few hours drive away from home. My phone was dead on the ride there, and they didn't let me charge it in the car. I went three days without the internet and it was the worst. I had to watch cable news to find out what was happening in the world. Phone calls with my (then still gf, now ex) were weird with one or both of us often being cold, upset, not having anything to say, etc. I went into benzo withdrawal while at the hospital (I use them to sleep every night but they aren't prescribed), and between that and having an upset stomach from the terrible food, I didn't sleep the last night I was there. I ended up peeing the bed on the first night and it was never explained why medically. I assume it was a consequence of all the drugs I took during the attempt, I've never done that as an adult before or since. They actually ended up transporting me to a regular hospital's ER and back and I got antibiotics for a UTI.

I otherwise appeared normal enough for them to discharge me after 3 days. They didn't change my psychiatric medications or anything but I did have to go without my digestive meds which made me miserable at times. My diagnosis at discharge was PTSD, "rule out cluster B personality disorder". I think I have DID, and have been diagnosed with personality disorders before realizing I have a dissociative disorder. I told them I have DID, and they wrote down "Says she has been diagnosed with DID", the hospital basically just treated me like I had PTSD and I was fine. When there wasn't a therapy session (and there weren't many), I spent most of the time playing cards. The food was so bad that I threw up on the drive home, and needed a day to recover physically from the cumulative effects of not eating well. The day of the attempt all I had was a pop-tart and I wasn't taking good care of myself before then either.

My partner ended up breaking up with me, more or less. She got rid of my methods too so I don't have a way to attempt again and am not planning to. I've been living with my parents for the past month. I hadn't considered them as a source of support before the attempt because I had cut them out of my life after all of the trauma I went through last year. But a few days after I got out of the hospital, I reconnected. My system agreed to hold off thinking about suicide again for a few months, and I hope we will be doing better enough by then to want to live. I put a lot of work into giving myself a nice space where I have my needs met for eating and relaxing. I feel safe if I have difficult emotions, I don't have to avoid getting triggered, I can let myself feel things and process. I cried a lot during the first few weeks and still cry every day.

They didn't give me ketamine in the hospital, but I've since resumed taking it. My psych is still prescribing it to me, I told him about the attempt, no change to my meds by him either. My therapist was shocked when I told her but for the first time I was finally free to talk openly about suicide. I had been hiding it from therapists and psychiatrists for a decade. I was threatened with hospitalization in 2013 after saying that I felt passively suicidal. I was right to be afraid of the hospital, but it was not the worst part.

Overall this has been a pretty traumatizing experience. I have been dissociating a lot but I have parts that are good at taking care of me, the ketamine is helping me process things. I'm incredibly sad that I no longer live with my ex, but glad to be out of the apartment I attempted in. I have a long way to go if I am going to recover but I am stable. I still see my ex a few days a week and we're trying to help each other with our own recoveries.
I am a little worried about long term physical consequences to the attempt, or possibly from going through benzo withdrawal in the hospital. I've been having eye twitches that I don't recall happening before (though I haven't noticed it happening at all today).

 

[John12]

Did you fade to sleep, or black out (or what?) How long did that take? Peaceful? Any other feelings?

 

[western_heart]

Did you fade to sleep, or black out (or what?) How long did that take? Peaceful? Any other feelings?

I blacked out. My watch recorded steps up to an hour after I dosed but my heart rate wasn't super high, so I don't think I panicked. Almost certainly didn't do anything to try to save myself in the moment... it's possible I could have taken a stimulant to counteract the dose but I have no memory or evidence of it. (I have done that before when I was fighting over whether to make an impulsive attempt, and had an opioid...)
As far as I know, after dosing I did not contact anyone outside of SaSu (I was in the chat), and ChatGPT.

I have no memory after 5-10 minutes of dosing the GHB. By that point the benzos had kicked in. I was doing some last minute cleanup/organization and then planned to lie down, I had the bed ready, but I don't remember actually being in bed at all that night. I think I switched, and an alter that wanted to live started writing on my phone or computer. we couldn't type very well... the one thing I know for sure that was sent during that time said I was in a bad relationship and afraid to die. :( I don't think we fought it though. I hope not. It was supposed to be peaceful.
Based on my watch & lack of digital activity, I was asleep for about 4 hours and felt energetic afterwards, which is normal for a high GHB dose.

 

[John12]

I blacked out. My watch recorded steps up to an hour after I dosed but my heart rate wasn't super high, so I don't think I panicked. Almost certainly didn't do anything to try to save myself in the moment... it's possible I could have taken a stimulant to counteract the dose but I have no memory or evidence of it. (I have done that before when I was fighting over whether to make an impulsive attempt, and had an opioid...)
As far as I know, after dosing I did not contact anyone outside of SaSu (I was in the chat), and ChatGPT.

I have no memory after 5-10 minutes of dosing the GHB. By that point the benzos had kicked in. I was doing some last minute cleanup/organization and then planned to lie down, I had the bed ready, but I don't remember actually being in bed at all that night. I think I switched, and an alter that wanted to live started writing on my phone or computer. we couldn't type very well... the one thing I know for sure that was sent during that time said I was in a bad relationship and afraid to die. :( I don't think we fought it though. I hope not. It was supposed to be peaceful.
Based on my watch & lack of digital activity, I was asleep for about 4 hours and felt energetic afterwards, which is normal for a high GHB dose.

Thank you for sharing.
It is kind of worrying that you were awake and walking up to an hour after drinking. You might have been very distressed.

This method seems doable but not as easy as I had hoped.

 

[Rocket]

Hi everyone, I'm sorry for not replying to my thread sooner. I thought I made another post after I got out of the hospital, but guess I forgot! my life has changed significantly since the attempt, and I am trying to recover.

I wish I'd worried more about potential consequences of failing besides getting locked up & any lasting physical harm from the attempt. It sucks but it did get me to change stuff that I wasn't going to change otherwise. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded, sometimes I'm glad to be alive. With the days getting longer I've been seeing a lot of sunsets and it feels nice. I regret failing, I hurt people around me pretty bad with my attempt. But even more than that I regret not trying to solve some of my problems another way earlier. Things were getting out of control for me, when I ran out of distractions after Christmas I started doing acid every week or so. I warmed up to the idea of attempting on my own. It used to be my favorite drug but I think I'm done with it for good.

My last post in this thread was when I was still in the emergency room. That night I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital. Weird experience, it ended up being a few hours drive away from home. My phone was dead on the ride there, and they didn't let me charge it in the car. I went three days without the internet and it was the worst. I had to watch cable news to find out what was happening in the world. Phone calls with my (then still gf, now ex) were weird with one or both of us often being cold, upset, not having anything to say, etc. I went into benzo withdrawal while at the hospital (I use them to sleep every night but they aren't prescribed), and between that and having an upset stomach from the terrible food, I didn't sleep the last night I was there. I ended up peeing the bed on the first night and it was never explained why medically. I assume it was a consequence of all the drugs I took during the attempt, I've never done that as an adult before or since. They actually ended up transporting me to a regular hospital's ER and back and I got antibiotics for a UTI.

I otherwise appeared normal enough for them to discharge me after 3 days. They didn't change my psychiatric medications or anything but I did have to go without my digestive meds which made me miserable at times. My diagnosis at discharge was PTSD, "rule out cluster B personality disorder". I think I have DID, and have been diagnosed with personality disorders before realizing I have a dissociative disorder. I told them I have DID, and they wrote down "Says she has been diagnosed with DID", the hospital basically just treated me like I had PTSD and I was fine. When there wasn't a therapy session (and there weren't many), I spent most of the time playing cards. The food was so bad that I threw up on the drive home, and needed a day to recover physically from the cumulative effects of not eating well. The day of the attempt all I had was a pop-tart and I wasn't taking good care of myself before then either.

My partner ended up breaking up with me, more or less. She got rid of my methods too so I don't have a way to attempt again and am not planning to. I've been living with my parents for the past month. I hadn't considered them as a source of support before the attempt because I had cut them out of my life after all of the trauma I went through last year. But a few days after I got out of the hospital, I reconnected. My system agreed to hold off thinking about suicide again for a few months, and I hope we will be doing better enough by then to want to live. I put a lot of work into giving myself a nice space where I have my needs met for eating and relaxing. I feel safe if I have difficult emotions, I don't have to avoid getting triggered, I can let myself feel things and process. I cried a lot during the first few weeks and still cry every day.

They didn't give me ketamine in the hospital, but I've since resumed taking it. My psych is still prescribing it to me, I told him about the attempt, no change to my meds by him either. My therapist was shocked when I told her but for the first time I was finally free to talk openly about suicide. I had been hiding it from therapists and psychiatrists for a decade. I was threatened with hospitalization in 2013 after saying that I felt passively suicidal. I was right to be afraid of the hospital, but it was not the worst part.

Overall this has been a pretty traumatizing experience. I have been dissociating a lot but I have parts that are good at taking care of me, the ketamine is helping me process things. I'm incredibly sad that I no longer live with my ex, but glad to be out of the apartment I attempted in. I have a long way to go if I am going to recover but I am stable. I still see my ex a few days a week and we're trying to help each other with our own recoveries.
I am a little worried about long term physical consequences to the attempt, or possibly from going through benzo withdrawal in the hospital. I've been having eye twitches that I don't recall happening before (though I haven't noticed it happening at all today).

Thank you for sharing this beautiful and extraordinary message. Lots of love and a huge hug to you. I was really moved reading you talk about sunsets and reuniting with your family. You've had tremendous courage and it's clear you are a beautiful soul. Taking it one day at a time is the best and whatever choices and decisions you make going forward are going to be more informed. You're inspiring. Sending you peace. Thank you again for letting us all know.

 

[HelloReaper]

What dose of GHB did you take?

 

[western_heart]

What dose of GHB did you take?

10 grams. I weigh slightly over 60 kg. Everything I took is described in the first post

 

[HelloReaper]

10 grams. I weigh slightly over 60 kg. Everything I took is described in the first post

Psychonaut wiki says 10g is the threshold for a fatal dose. So it's definitely possible it wasn't enough.

 

[Vizzy]

10 grams. I weigh slightly over 60 kg. Everything I took is described in the first post

Hi, I thought of ctb using gbl method but now I am scared

Are you sure your gbl is genuine?

Because no one is waking up from 10g of gbl which is crazy and you where not sleeping or unconscious for a longtime, even in little dosage gbl people will sleep a lot

10 grams. I weigh slightly over 60 kg. Everything I took is described in the first post

How it taste, smell and appearance like?

Psychonaut wiki says 10g is the threshold for a fatal dose. So it's definitely possible it wasn't enough.

She took benzo too, gbl with benzo is lethal, no one is waking up from that