Discussion What is your reason to ctb?

[c.c]

Aside from the mental suffering..what are your main reasons to ctb? Or think why it wouldn't get any better?
I have pretty straightforward reasons-
1. Lost of my ability to pursue my career-
I just can't study no anymore, i have tried a lot of things and i am losing it day by day due to my trauma. My once dream career requires studing and i don't think i would be able to do it soon...will take a lot years
2. Wasting my parents resource, dissapointing them regardless of having potential and resources to do it but mental illness, seeing them hurt and hinding it everyday
3. Would have to deal will my molester for the rest of my life.( even the thought of seeing him in person makes me want to puke)
4. My little sense of safety (my bf) would break up with me soon and i haven't told him how much i need him but if he says "no" to helping..i will be HURT cuz he doesn't wanna help me when i was always there for him and if says "yes" i will feel like i forced him..
5. Every year i will see my molester (as i don't have any support system) my cptsd and depression will only get WORSE
6. The obvious pain,suffering in silence,mental illness...if not for above 5 reasons..i will kill myself because of this

Better to die soon with less painful memories than be a breathing corpse and die with far more pain

 

[InboxRain292]

Im surrounded by people (like parents) who has high expectations, but they "manipulate" me by saying they have low expectations (wtf... ) and tell me contrasting things daily. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I'm still young since I'm currently j a student, but i dont know what the future has for me in terms of getting a job and life in general. the people around me makes me feel like being alive is useless, because something in the future like monetary or social problems will j come and kill me anyways.

 

[elpurp]

being single, although the inability to escape my hypersexual tendencies is another.

 

[maka]

I have CPTSD and a fear of people, and it has made me incapable of keeping a job for longer than about a year and a half. I just got fired again for being "too quiet" and because everyone and their dog is getting laid off right now, it is impossible for me to find work. I am one paycheck away from homelessness and will be evicted next month, and I have no support system to help me until I can make rent. Aside from that, I also suffer from severe loneliness, and especially during the summer, it is incredibly hard to not be suicidal when everyone else is outside with their friends, families, and partners, and I'm all alone. I've exhausted all of my options, used all of my resources, did all of the therapy and took all of the meds, but I am not getting better. I cannot survive in a world full of apathetic people like this, I'm hoping whatever is next will be better.

 

[Andy]

This'll sound so silly compared to the horror stories other people have shared, but I kinda just don't want to deal with life. I'm physically healthy and fit. Considered attractive by people and people tend to like me. Not above average intelligence, but I'm no slouch. I learn new things fairly quick and without much challenge. I've never been diagnosed, but I know I have some issues. Maybe anxiety/depression/anhedonia, but they come and go in waves. I might be fine for a few months, and then overwhelmed with crippling despair for months. Probably adhd, and maybe arrested development. I can't say for sure for any of that. All I know that whatever it is people have that makes them care about life, or able to put in effort to make their lives better, to endure temporary hardships for the sake of a better future, I just don't have that.

I kinda wanted to die when I was around 12, I think. I'm 40 now and nothing has changed. There's been periods where I was distracted by things and shelved the idea for a bit, but it always comes back. I have no education beyond a GED, no special training, never worked outside of restaurants part time. I just can't stay consistently interested in things long enough to improve my life and I can't make myself do things that bore me. Lack of discipline and no ability to develop it. I still live with a parent, and if he dies or moves to a smaller apartment after retiring, I'm homeless. I've known this for many years and I've never done anything to prevent that from happening.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Broken.
Anxious beyond repair.
Can't cope with the unrelenting demands of modern life and the peer pressure.
Misfit.
Probably autistic.
Isolated.
Look like I've been dragged through hell.
Generally don't like people , society and mainstream attitudes.
Culture is dead , unoriginal and long past its peak.
I strongly suspect we're about to enter another period of biblical level war and oppression as if the dystopian hell we've created isn't bad enough.

 

[helloandbye1]

bpd and depression
also a wasted life, a wasted youth

 

[sambrosia]

bpd and depression
also a wasted life, a wasted youth

exactly this

 

[hazelmoon]

I'm 26 years old living with my mom who I don't speak to, working a minimum wage dead end job and at a brick wall in terms of my future. Essentially, I have no future and no hopes of creating a decent one for myself. My plans were to try to get back into school but that has proven an almost impossible task due to the fact that I have a very wild job schedule and have to work my life away in order to pay my bills. I cannot focus on anything else besides trying to survive paycheck to paycheck. My mom has made it clear I can't live with her forever but my minimum wage job can't even cover an efficiency apartment for me on top of my other bills. Basically, I'll end up homeless if I keep on living.

Another reason I've decided to CTB is because I really have nobody who loves me. My mother tolerates me because she knows that's what she's supposed to do as a mother, but makes it very clear she does not like me or want me around. I was staying alive for my papa, who is also my best friend, but he passed a couple months ago so now I feel free to CTB without the guilt.

My job that I have now makes me want to CTB every day. lol it's just horrible but nowhere else will hire me and no other field will even take a second glance at my resume. I have no friends and I am so alone, I died spiritually a long time ago. I've been trying to find the tools I need to CTB but I've found it difficult to do that. I believe I will eventually though, and I have the money set aside for it, so I'm just soaking in every little thing about being alive until I get the tools needed to end it. I keep telling myself just to try to enjoy these last few months alive because a few months is nothing compared to an eternity.