what is your reason for ctb?

[Bobert_Beniro]

Personally, for me the main problem is my appearance. I never liked my face, I always closed my eyes at the hairdresser just to not see my reflection and never took a photo. I'm 23 and I've already gone bald. I am also not interested in social life. I met a lot of unattractive people, but they still liked to live and spend time in the company, I'm not like that. Bonus is my poor health, I have been diagnosed with 2 chronic diseases

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I don't see existence as being something desirable, I've never wished for existence, it just was something I was unfortunately burdened with. I see existence in itself as being the true problem as after all it's the source of all suffering, and I could never wish to decay from age trapped in this meaningless and futile existence, I despise existence and all the harm it causes. Only non-existence appeals to me.

 

[Elle]

1) I miss my mum. ( she was my best friend) 2) ever since being raped, I haven't been myself. I can't stand being in my body. So I just want to be gone so I don't have to live with the trauma anymore.

 

[Death is my goal]

existence

 

[020x]

Chronic mental illnesses. I can't do some things the same way as I did before. My stress and fear after some traumatic experiences led to this. I developed panic disorder and agoraphobia, both are hell to experience everyday but luckily meds saved me. Unfortunately, for me, I'll have to take them forever or ctb. When the right time comes when I will be in the mood to ctb, and I have to be in the worst state to be able to do it, then I'll do it. Lack of courage and a lot of patience is still holding me.

 

[アホペンギン]

My father convinced me for over a decade that i would never amount to anything in this world and now i really believe it, he also abused me a lot so i have childhood trauma. Now i only see myself ctb. never having a future, no matter how much i try fixing myself life isn't appealing to me anymore and i struggle with many essential things that are required to be good at in order to have a decent life.

 

[SenseOfLoss]

Cortisone damage

 

[dofogry]

Loneliness is the main factor, no friends, no boyfriend. Second unemployment.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Failure and no way out.

 

[ShanaRei]

My life didn't turn out the way I had hoped it would. I just see misery and hopelessness everywhere I go. Plus I feel like it's just time. All I have to do is figure a way out

 

[Zebulon]

For me it's loneliness. Never had anyone. My parents didnt want me, woman don't want me. And now I'm at the point where everybody tells me how awesome it is to be with a person you hugs you, touches you and you can be open about anything.
That's something so alien to me, I literally can't imagine it.
Just now I was in a gym with a friend and all he talked about is this girl hes seeing and how wonderful it is and that they will see each other tomorrow etc.
And I wish him the best, but that means I have one more person less who I atleast talk about some stuff.
Yeah, basicilly I dont want to see the end of the month tbh

Just let me go

 

[Professor K]

Awareness and Culture.

I am no different than when I was a baby when it comes to percieving and experiencing life solely through basic biological needs.
By that I mean: i am hungry, thirsty and feel emotions the exact same way from what I can remember.
I was sad the same way, frustrated or happy... all as a result of my environnement.
Life was simple and all I was doing was fulfilling by biological needs and surviving.

But then, growing up, I was exposed to culture, values, morals and beliefs through education at home and school.
These things don't simply happen to exist like trees, water... I see them as subjective delusions, people can think however they want,
but apparently it has to be imposed onto people and punish those who think outside of the box.
That's when I started to feel unhappy about the future and express my fear of being an adult, and I was only 8-10 years old.
I never understood any of those concepts though I respected them, of course.
It seemed and still seems like I'm the only one who struggles to mindlessly fit in and just agree with all of that.

Awareness is also one problem of mine.
I used to believe that things will get better if I go get help and improve my life etc...
I used to think that CTB was ''a permanent solution to a temporary problem''.
Perhaps it is the case for some people, but I recognize that it can only worsen for me with time.
I have done and still do everything, follow my heart, take my time, get help,go out to see the world, eat well, meditate, work out, ''find a will to live''.
Will to live being both responsabilities so living through obligations and then passions.
I've gotten better, I am currently the best version of myself, the healthiest I've ever been physically and mentally.

Yet here I am.
Why? Because awareness only gets worse by growing up. the more you age and the better you understand how fcked up this world is.
Every year that passes makes the reason behind my desire to CTB clearer.
I didn't know why I wanted to CTB before, intuition? impulsion? But know it only gets more evident.
It causes suffering and nothing else. There is no benefit for this growing awareness.

 

[shantyizlit]

The negatives just outweigh the positives so fuck this shit

 

[BlazingBob]

Too many reasons to list them all, but declining health is by far the biggest reason, and the consequences like being too sick to make a living.

 

[moggedtodeath]

Losing my boyfriend.

 

[mouseteacup]

I seriously don't see a reason for me to keep going. There's things I enjoy, but I don't really get happy. And I'm pretty satisfied with what I've done so far; the other things I want to do are pretty much unattainable from my position.

I guess the only things I'd still like to do are research into how humans and societies work, and I'd like to be able to bring more good into individuals' lives, but socioeconomic barriers prevent me from doing more of the former with very much ease, and agoraphobia prevents me from being able to do much of the latter. It's hard to talk to people. I still wish I could bring more good into the lives of individuals. I try to do it when I can anyhow.

There's some other passions I have, like going into theatre and performing arts, but my disabilities prevent me from doing that.

Every time I get more actively suicidal, the only thing that keeps me from CTB is the fact that I have friends who count on me as a source of stability in their lives. When I finally figure out my plan, I'll just slowly withdraw. I'll rest more easily knowing they can go on without me. I hope it doesn't hurt them too much.

Considering my disabilities and pain (mental + physical) that will never get much better, and considering how I'll just have to grind the capitalistic machine until I'm too old to do it anymore, I just want to CTB. I don't see much in my future that'd be better than where I am. And where I am? I'm just waiting for my bus.

ETA that when I was younger, another thing that prevented me from CTB is not knowing how to do it in an effective and as-painless-as-possible way. That's not a barrier anymore. I'm glad that I know how I want to do it now.

 

[ihatethisplanet]

A lifetime of anxiety, half of my life spent with depression, I'm 47 and any good times are in the rear view mirror now (I'm destined to be alone in a nursing home), zero talent, intelligence or real accomplishments, my husband chose to spend all of his time with other people which resulted in a soon-to-be divorce and the only dog that has ever been my true "heart" dog passed away in June.

I have a few friends and parents, but I'd still rather just go. I'm tired of everything and almost nothing brings me pleasure anymore. The 2020s have been one eternally long, dark tunnel with no light at the end.

 

[Lourenzo]

39 yr old male here,
Raped as a child by family members and a babysitter until the age of 10. Moved all over the country and never got to establish "friendship". My biological father split when I was 3 and never saw him again. I am the spitting image of him and was always compared to him while being told what a piece of shit he was. Stepfather physically abused me for 10+ years, beaten until I bled. My mother was always aware but did nothing about it until I was 13 and finally left him. Dropped out of school in 8th grade and was left alone all day everyday for almost 3 years until I got my license. Next stepfather told my mother it was "him or me" that one of us had to go, and she chose him. Chronic daily knee pain due to Patella Alta in both knees. Ruptered ear drum and perforated tm left me with hearing loss and tinnitus at 15, which later developed into dual tone tinnitus. Have limited feeling in my fingers and hands from years of working with chemicals and refrigerants. 2019 I lost my sense of smell and taste completely and it has never returned, cooking and eating was always my favorite thing. Dont trust myself so Ive never trusted those around me. Very sexual but wife has had zero interest in years. Constant feeling of being alone, even though Im married and have 6 kids. Been sleeping on my couch for the last 2 years and speak less than 5 sentences a day. Self hate for being a burden to everyone ive known. Theres more but this pretty much sums up most of it.

 

[heLLishLandscape]

all the love i've given to this world has only brought me pain, i don't see a point in giving more

 

[brainwormz]

I'm a 31 yo ugly tranner, fat and Manish with severe male socialization. I'm schizoaffetive with cptsd and other comoribities. I have somewhere around 70k in debt because of mental health and university. I make okay money at work but $300 of my paycheck goes to my health insurance every week so I can't even afford rent in the low income apartments i lve in. I ruin every relationship I touch and all my friends live far away so it's like not having any. I'm fucking lonely. All my ex's hate me and I'm p sure one ctb because I ghosted her due to paranoid delusions. And maybe just maybe if there's an afterlife whci I hope there isn't but if, I might get to see my first crush ( child hood best friend again since he swallowed a gun in 2008.

 

[Deleted User#81194]

Majority of it is self hate, though originally it was about the after life -- perhaps a heaven, thought I could even redo things if I were to die. I was hyper religious and followed lots of "prophets" on YT because that was the only place I could find 'friends' and hope fory situation. Religion was a way of venting my problems.

my school life was always relatively shitty, no friends, and I was practically a mute. I was afraid of people and had hyper social anxiety issues, because of this I couldn't always stand up for myself and got picked on, but the worse was how much I felt alone in comparison to everyone else.
skipped launch a lot and just hanged out in the library or bathroom.
At home was barely better, just more domestic violence, sadly I got used to it. Though because of it I didn't really have a bed to sleep on and opted to sleep in the closet or just outside sometimes. I felt I was in this world alone, nobody cared about me except for the 'God' I prayed to, to fix my problems.

But ever since I started studying the sciences and became an atheist. My world view completely changed, there's nothing but non existence on the other side and there's no redos. Now I'm not sure what to do with this life. I prefer erasing my memories completely if possible before actually CTBing fr to see what kind of life I would live.

But if that's not possible it's simply because I got tired of playing the game called life. I quit. I'm not interested in anything.

 

[FindingHome]

So many reasons.

 

[PinkyStat]

When i was 15 years old i got imobilized and raped by 4 people, i got so fvcking traumatized that i feel like i am not in my body anymore, that it is rotten, I became an ace and lost completely my hope in humanity since then.
Other thing that WILL sound weird is that, i have already got everything that i have ever wanted, but man that sucks, i didn't enjoy anything that i got and now i just feel more empty than ever, i can't just ctb since i live with some people, but once i get another chance i will not miss this world.

 

[Failure21]

I've made every single person I've ever met hate me because I'm an idiotic nuisance who just makes things worse for people. My two options to stop that are just getting away from people or ctb. I can't stand another 60-80 years of being alone so I might as well ctb and save myself the loneliness. If an afterlife does exist I'm going to hell anyways so I might as well just skip the wait

 

[ANONYMOUSM]

basically me being like my dad I hate the simarlities between me and him and my mother keeps saying I'm just like him

 

[silent star]

Loneliness and my mental health

 

[venin]

The fact that I kinda realise that my life is and will be far from what I hoped for and worked for and deserved it to be.

Also, feeling really awful day in day out.

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

I've survived bullying, a pedophile who stalked me with a knife when I was 10, other sexual and emotional abuse in childhood and teenage years, a big fire in a multistory building, chronic heart inflammation, water in my lungs, endometriosis and surgery, a seizure, so many hospital stays, losing loved ones, a hard car crash, -

I'm shaking right now- why is it so hard to write this down?
I can't believe I'm still alive after all this. I can't believe I've just opened up. Should I post this here? Or delete later

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

Everything

 

[CH349]

I've survived bullying, a pedophile who stalked me with a knife when I was 10, other sexual and emotional abuse in childhood and teenage years, a big fire in a multistory building, chronic heart inflammation, water in my lungs, endometriosis and surgery, a seizure, so many hospital stays, losing loved ones, a hard car crash, -

I'm shaking right now- why is it so hard to write this down?
I can't believe I'm still alive after all this. I can't believe I've just opened up. Should I post this here? Or delete later

no one should ever go through that much, I hope you find some peace of mind soon.