What is your primary reason for ctb?

[TheCrow]

Wow, that sounds almost identical to my situation, on top of being injured and suffering in severe pain from head to toe. I especially can relate to how you mentioned being out of the rat race for too long. Because of the rarest and strangest social fears I developed years ago, I'm practically socially inept now, and have resorted to completely isolating myself from all social contact, and staying locked away in my childhood bedroom, only leaving the house for food and other things I need, because I basically feel subhuman now, like I don't belong here anymore. It's so sad. I've been in and out of trying to reestablish myself back into society for about 4 years now, but my issues keep coming back to haunt me and I keep ending up back here, while the physical pain just keeps getting worse and worse. At this point, being 25 now and trying to start all over while being so physically damaged and still haunted by these social issues every day is just like, lol, hold my beer while I kill myself.

Here's my full story (towards the bottom) if you're interested haha:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/introduce-yourself.3952/page-9

I've so become one of those people. I never left my apt before, save for food. Too much social anxiety, ptsd, paranoia, you name it. Now that I can't walk, forget it. I almost never leave. I don't even feel like a person anymore.

 

[BellaKAT]

I've so become one of those people. I never left my apt before, save for food. Too much social anxiety, ptsd, paranoia, you name it. Now that I can't walk, forget it. I almost never leave. I don't even feel like a person anymore.

same here

 

[511115]

I just feel like a complete and utter waste of life. Like more than just worthless. Waste of breath, space, thought.

I feel like I can be nothing more than an eternal disappointment.

I will never be enough, for friends or family or society. I'm just a pathetic existence wasting everyone's time and my parent's money.

I feel like I'll be doing everyone the biggest favor they don't even realize.

 

[Taylor]

I just feel like a complete and utter waste of life. Like more than just worthless. Waste of breath, space, thought.

I feel like I can be nothing more than an eternal disappointment.

I will never be enough, for friends or family or society. I'm just a pathetic existence wasting everyone's time and my parent's money.

I feel like I'll be doing everyone the biggest favor they don't even realize.

I used to feel the opposite of that growing up, that this world was mine for the taking. Now, given the circumstances that have come into my life that brought me here, I feel similar. Like I used up my life's potential, and now I'm just sitting here and suffering, wasting resources that could go to someone still "living", and not just "existing" like I am.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I've so become one of those people. I never left my apt before, save for food. Too much social anxiety, ptsd, paranoia, you name it. Now that I can't walk, forget it. I almost never leave. I don't even feel like a person anymore.

To me, from our interactions, you're a loving, kind-hearted, sensitive soul. Funny and quick witted.

 

[Dragon]

All hope is lost

 

[Taylor]

Since the beginning of last year, I have been operating on 80-90 hours schedule per week, going to school hardcore from Monday - Thursday taking 5 engineering classes ( I have about 2 more years to getting a degree from a respectable school and a very high paying career) while working full time from Friday - Sunday ( roughly 36 hours in 3 days). It was a stressful year and I observed my mental health started declining. Anyone that has been through such stress know it has such negative impact on your quality of life and how you behave and treat other people around. I became more irritated, angry. That got out of countrol when my grades started slipping (I am on scholarship so I need 3.5 GPA to maintain it) and I was in some financial tight spot. I am going to admit that I wasn't the best boyfriend/fiance to my now ex and she felt unhappy with the relationship we were having. At one point when we had a pregnancy scare, I did what a stressful 21 years old guy who hasn't had his life in order would do, I panicked and told her I will not take care of the baby if she has it. That was the turning point of the relationship or at least the beginning of it. The reality was I would have loved our baby and my fiance anyway. Not long after that she started distanting herself from the relationship and one night she decided to walk out on me while in bed just to be with another dude she just had met and came back at 5 in the morning to tell me that she doesnt love me enough. That whole night while she was gone, I cried and called asking where she is at (Still have nightmares and flashbacks from it as it affects me deeply). Eveything after that is well... spontaneous combustion. It got so bad I went to hospital 3 times, psyward twice for attempting to slash my wrist in front of her house and another time for telling a friend straight up I'm going to get of work tonight and kill myself with a 9mm glock. Both resulted on being thrown against the squad car, handcuffed and transported to the ER. The fallout from all the shit that I pulled was horrendous, ex and her family never want to see me..ever again, she changed her number and delete all my social media traces and pretty much if I ever set foot in the neighborhood again, I'll be arrested and charged with a felony. My family is completely devastated and shocked, that sure helps with the guilt I'm already carrying... My friends are completely bewildered and disappointed, some are flat out hostile and angry. The general consensus toward me is that I am a completely idiot, stupid, weak. Why give up your life when you're young, handsome, funny, intelligent and have a good life ahead of you. Yes because of all the achievements I ever accomplished, how sociable I am and how much people around that care and love me unconditionally, I should feel happy and satisfied right? Most of the time nowadays, I spent in isolation and completely closed myself to everyone because I can't watch myself hurting others. I was diagnosed with clinical depression with severe episodes after what happened, I feel sad, unhappy and empty most of the time. People wanna see what they wanna see, a successful, sociable person by society standard but they don't see how much of the persistent sadness and emotional, mental pain a person is going through. They don't see that you can get overwhelmed with the pain so much that nothing inside you can help you cope with it and you end up collapsing to the floor crying yourself to death. I cried before going to sleep, during sleep and after I woke up.The feelings ot guilt, shame, hurt, and an inexplicable persistent feeling of sadness for everything happened before and after the emotional trauma my ex put me through. Part of me wants to share that blame on others and my ex but most of the time I blame myself to death for everything. These days I'm not as impulsive as 2 months ago but I know too well that if the pain takes over again, I will ding myself with a 9mm and end my life right there. Fuck attention and all that, I don't want to become a tragic story in the family and friend's circle. He killed himself while he has everything waiting for him, I just want to be forgotten and carry the immense amount of pain with me.
TL;DR: life went to hell, stressed out, school and work didn't go well, fiance cheated and dumped me in the most horrible way -> Depressed and feeling suicidal.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear all of that man, I've been through a really hard breakup when I was that age too. It was really strange. Towards the end of the relationship, I suspected my girlfriend of two years was cheating (she was shady on and off to begin with), so I ended up cheating on her, and told her about it, and then she ends up with some other dude like two days later (like gee, where did he come from all of the sudden...?) so obviously I was right from the beginning. But anyway I was absolutely crushed because I still loved her very much, and thank god I was healthy at the time and focused all of my energy on the gym and getting into the Navy, otherwise I probably would've ended it right there. I was scary depressed from that experience. All I can say is that if can get through that, you can too. If you're physically healthy, then you're more than capable of moving on and leaving her in the past. Don't let some girl cost you your life man, it's not worth it.

 

[TheCrow]

To me, from our interactions, you're a loving, kind-hearted, sensitive soul. Funny and quick witted.

Aww, thank you! You are always too kind. xo

 

[TheCrow]

same here

Aww, I'm sorry. It really is a strange, sad sort of existence, isn't it? It really makes me feel like my time here is done.

 

[Sanguinius]

Unendurable mental pain (or probably it's physical, I don't really know)

 

[lshode55]

Being in Pain. Cant take it anymore.