What is your primary reason for ctb?

[Taylor]

I'd trade intelligence for happiness any day.

I've always envied the less cognitively sharp individuals (trying to word that as politely as possible haha) I've encountered in my life. They always seem to just coast through life completely happy and unbothered, and then here's me beside them, knowing they don't have any constant torturous thoughts running through their head of any kind whatsoever...I'm so jealous of that.

 

[Floraknife]

Hahaha I felt the same exact way, when I was at my peak, and the happiest point of my life. I was just like, "meh." If only I knew the suffering ahead of me, how much more appreciative I would've been. I can tell you're very intelligent, and it's usually the intelligent ones like us that develop and suffer from the rarest social disorders. Our keen minds are almost like an auto immune disorder. Albert Einstein suffered from an array of mental health issues and social dysfunction.

Aw thanks! I hope you do as well, hugs!

ALL OF THIS, hahah, you are 100% speaking my language. *insert meme about being smart enough to know you're awkward but not smart enough to know how to stop being awkward*

Seriously though, I was branded "gifted" academically since elementary school and it's actually been the bane of my existence. I pretended to be dumb/skated by in school because I started to be ostracized for being "too smart" and I wanted friends more than I wanted to be successful. Well that bit me in the ass because I was never completely myself with any of my friends so of course they didn't stick around, and I never developed real social skills until I moved to Iceland on my own at 16 out of necessity. Even then, the damage had been done. These days, I realize that I should've stayed true to myself and waited to find friends who liked me for me, but I spent too long trying to be anyone other than myself, I've fucked any chance living authentically up for myself. (Would love to study biochemistry, did too many drugs as a teen + depression wreaking havoc on the brain, don't think I have the brain capacity for it let alone the funds for school anymore)

 

[Floraknife]

"Sadly it's used as a reason against me to 'prove' I'm not that depressed"

Wow, yes, I actually feel this way any time I've tried to seek treatment for my mental illness(es). As if MH professionals don't take you seriously if you can rationalize or explain your emotions in a clear, concise manner. Like, hey buddy, being able to rationalize something does not take away from it's truth, or it's impact.

 

[15dec]

'Presh your understanding, it's been a blessing for me, too. Jesus, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you in a good enough living situation atm where you think you could wait it out? And you should definitely try for a referral, it can't hurt!

Honestly I am so torn between just ending it all and saving myself the trouble of a letdown, and making the call, but a weird fear of mine is getting stuck in inpatient indefinitely if I'm open about the severity of my suicidal thoughts. And there's no possibility of financial help, so I really don't want to go back to an inpatient ward. Also I haven't answered my s/o's mom's messages for over a week, nor my own mom's, nor made any contact with my s/o, and I am drowning in guilt and shame right now. I was supposed to meet with his mom for NYE but because I wasn't answering she came by and picked up our dog while I was in the shower without telling me... I don't know, I really don't know what to do or how to even start to fix this. I'm pretty impressed you can catalogue your moods tho. Being rapid cycling bipolar along with psychotic depression, I could be in a full upswing/hopeful mood for up to a full day and then spiral so hard out of nowhere that I physically cannot move except to use the bathroom, for days on end... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, it's a fucking hellscape. I think one last shot at treatment isn't a bad idea, if you've still got some hope, but just so you know you're not alone and I do hope you find a peaceful solution soon.

Honestly I'm just too tired to keep waiting for something to happen. I might try and contact mental health organisations from another county since I can travel there somewhat easily, though I don't even know if they'd accept me since I don't live nearby. If that's not possible I'd have to wait until the end of 2020 and the thought of that is hell.

Even when I'm incredibly open about my suicidal thoughts (I've told someone assessing me I've got a plan of how I'd do it) I don't get sectioned or anything, which I find strange especially reading stories of others here going to psych wards for self harm and suicide attempts (I wasn't sent to a psych ward after mine). Though I don't really want to spend time in a ward now, from what I've read they do more harm than good and I feel very let down by the mental health services in my area.

I've barely spoken to anyone recently either, I've talked to my family but that's just been because I live with them. I talked to my friends on Christmas Day but other than that I've just shut myself off. Nobody's really tried to message me other than a friend in Malaysia though which is sad. I've tried making plans with my friends here for my birthday but I've only had two replies so trying to organise something is virtually impossible since nobody will say when they're busy, so at this rate I guess I'll be spending my birthday alone or with the two that replied (and one of them is my ex, we're still friends but I'm somewhat certain he left me for another girl but that's far too long to throw in here, it'll probably just make me feel worse seeing him and knowing how bad I hurt him and screwed things up so much)

I try pretty hard to remember how my moods have been, mostly so I can recite it to professionals and whatnot. It used to be kind of stable, I'd be depressed/suicidal around spring, start to recover a little bit over summer, recover around autumn and be relatively happy through winter. Ironically it was after I was in counseling when that routine went out the window. I essentially spent all of 2018 depressed, anxious and paranoid, it only started to slightly improve when I was dating my ex but even when it was somewhat 'good' I was too stressful and too damaging. Since we broke up my friends just seem more distant and like they want to be around me. It already looks like 2019 is going to be a repeat of 2018 except now I don't really have anything giving me hope to continue.

Sorry for the stupidly long message by the way, I guess I've been holding this in for a very long time and it's nice to finally manage to get some of it out. Thank you for the support though, I'll look into some other mental health trusts and see if they could offer me treatment just in case

 

[Floraknife]

@15dec Hey it's okay, it's good to get shit off your chest, I'm new here but I feel this is a pretty judgement-free zone, and you're welcome to PM me if you wanna talk privately! This is the first thread I've opened up on, and you and Taylor both have been a breath of fresh air

Sorry I'm a little buzzed but I'll try to reply best I can

First of all, hope is a very rare thing to come by in the midst of depression - if you're hanging onto it even a little bit, there's a good bet that's for a good reason, even if you're not able to see it right now. Personally, I find hope to be a double-edged sword, always bites you in the ass - but I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. There's this quote from my favorite author, Terry Pratchett, where he states (as Death) that people need fantasies to be human. Starting with little lies, like the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, etc., to prepare us for the big lies such as justice, duty, mercy. Hope. The character speaking with Death rebukes that by saying "Well, yes, we've got to believe that, or what's the point-" and Death cuts her off remarking, "My point exactly". And once you lose it, it's very hard to trust hope again. If you got it regarding treatment, at all, that's worth trying for, I think.

I think that's what my situation boils down to. Therapy won't help, because I've got no faith in it. I've lost faith in myself, and everything, really, and there's no way to bounce back from that. I'm nearly at peace with my end. (And yeah, I've no idea what psych wards are like in the UK, but in the US where I was, it was basically prison with incrementally better food and shitty treatment from condescending doctors who don't really care what you're going through so much as want to see you keeping a positive attitude/moving forward.) I'm sorry you haven't been taken seriously. I'm a total hypocrite here, but are you close enough with your friends to tell them what's going on? I lost all my friends (albeit online, I'm too anxious & paranoid to make friends irl) because I can be a self-centered twat and didn't realize they were going through it too, didn't want to bother them so I isolated myself and have been in this position for... months, now. Basically I don't try to make new friends or nurture my friendships because I'm scared of judgement/abandonment after my best friend of 10 years cut me off and, yeah, I just suck at life, no need to sugarcoat it. Lord this is a long ass reply too I hope you don't mind but I feel it's still relevant to the thread at least?

Ouch... that sounds really, really painful. When is your birthday? But being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, especially if you've got family. I live many states away from all of mine. Relationships can bring so much joy and purpose into our lives, but if you struggle with depression in the first place, once the initial romance fades that can easily manifest into greater self-destructive tendencies/insurmountable guilt, unworthiness, basically everything you dealt with beforehand only worse because someone else is intimately involved, now, too. It all gets brought to the surface. I'm sorry you know that feeling. My s/o and I have been through so much together, and he wants to do the work with us so badly, and it breaks my heart every day because I want to so badly, but can barely see myself here a week from now, let alone planning and living for a future with the love of my life. It's hard. Hard is an understatement...

Please vent all you need to! I understand, I live with my s/o (well, until he got locked up, but you know) and I barely leave our room because I'm planning to end it soon, within the week if I can find the privacy where I won't traumatize anyone, and I'm scared of talking to my roommates/our tenants, like they'll notice I'm suicidal or something. Always happy to lend an ear and thank you for sharing all of that. Good luck in finding something that works for you. :)

 

[15dec]

@15dec Hey it's okay, it's good to get shit off your chest, I'm new here but I feel this is a pretty judgement-free zone, and you're welcome to PM me if you wanna talk privately! This is the first thread I've opened up on, and you and Taylor both have been a breath of fresh air

Sorry I'm a little buzzed but I'll try to reply best I can

First of all, hope is a very rare thing to come by in the midst of depression - if you're hanging onto it even a little bit, there's a good bet that's for a good reason, even if you're not able to see it right now. Personally, I find hope to be a double-edged sword, always bites you in the ass - but I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. There's this quote from my favorite author, Terry Pratchett, where he states (as Death) that people need fantasies to be human. Starting with little lies, like the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, etc., to prepare us for the big lies such as justice, duty, mercy. Hope. The character speaking with Death rebukes that by saying "Well, yes, we've got to believe that, or what's the point-" and Death cuts her off remarking, "My point exactly". And once you lose it, it's very hard to trust hope again. If you got it regarding treatment, at all, that's worth trying for, I think.

I think that's what my situation boils down to. Therapy won't help, because I've got no faith in it. I've lost faith in myself, and everything, really, and there's no way to bounce back from that. I'm nearly at peace with my end. (And yeah, I've no idea what psych wards are like in the UK, but in the US where I was, it was basically prison with incrementally better food and shitty treatment from condescending doctors who don't really care what you're going through so much as want to see you keeping a positive attitude/moving forward.) I'm sorry you haven't been taken seriously. I'm a total hypocrite here, but are you close enough with your friends to tell them what's going on? I lost all my friends (albeit online, I'm too anxious & paranoid to make friends irl) because I can be a self-centered twat and didn't realize they were going through it too, didn't want to bother them so I isolated myself and have been in this position for... months, now. Basically I don't try to make new friends or nurture my friendships because I'm scared of judgement/abandonment after my best friend of 10 years cut me off and, yeah, I just suck at life, no need to sugarcoat it. Lord this is a long ass reply too I hope you don't mind but I feel it's still relevant to the thread at least?

Ouch... that sounds really, really painful. When is your birthday? But being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, especially if you've got family. I live many states away from all of mine. Relationships can bring so much joy and purpose into our lives, but if you struggle with depression in the first place, once the initial romance fades that can easily manifest into greater self-destructive tendencies/insurmountable guilt, unworthiness, basically everything you dealt with beforehand only worse because someone else is intimately involved, now, too. It all gets brought to the surface. I'm sorry you know that feeling. My s/o and I have been through so much together, and he wants to do the work with us so badly, and it breaks my heart every day because I want to so badly, but can barely see myself here a week from now, let alone planning and living for a future with the love of my life. It's hard. Hard is an understatement...

Please vent all you need to! I understand, I live with my s/o (well, until he got locked up, but you know) and I barely leave our room because I'm planning to end it soon, within the week if I can find the privacy where I won't traumatize anyone, and I'm scared of talking to my roommates/our tenants, like they'll notice I'm suicidal or something. Always happy to lend an ear and thank you for sharing all of that. Good luck in finding something that works for you. :)

Yeah, honestly SS has been a blessing since I joined and to be honest I don't think I've fekt this understood/listened to in my life.

I don't really have any faith in my mental health trust, I think I've actuakly gotten worse since being involved with them especially recently. They don't want to, and most likely won't put me on medication which is what I'd been hoping for since I finished my counseling and realised that didn't work (even though I really thought it would at the time!). It's because the ctb attempts they know of were ODs and they think I'll just kill myself if I'm on antidepressants and I doubt they'll change their minds anytime soon. I would attempt to get private treatment but the initial consultation is £300 and there's no way I can afford that.

As for my friends, I usually don't open up about this kind of thing to them at all. I used to with a few I'm comfortable though with but I just seemed to end up burdening everyone and they told me to stop coming to them from help or that they wanted to be less involved in it. My ex was always understanding but since the breakdown of our relationship I don't see him as a real option anymore. He's tried to support me since we broke up since we're still friends and he's probably done the most for me, other than my Malaysian friend and the people here, but now I'm somewhat certain he did in fact leave me for this other girl my anxiety/paranoia is telling me not to talk to him at all since he'll probably be busy with her or he'll just make fun of me with her. He said something to me a few weeks after we broke up when I was upset about things getting better and that I'd improve my social skills and make new friends, etc. Thing is my social skills are pretty decent, granted I'm shy but I can make friends if I wanted to. I just don't have the energy to, nor do I see any purpose in becoming friends with people just to burden them with my problems like I do my existing ones and most likely hurt them when I ctb. I've ended up shutting myself off from my friends too so I know how it feels, if I'm honest most of my social interaction has been here the past few weeks. It's sad since I love to be around people but people don't love to be around me. I seem to get ignored a lot of the time when I try and make the effort to talk to people or see them and I can't really be bothered to try anymore. If it makes you feel any better you're not going to get judged here and you'll most likely make some connections, I don't know if you'd consider it friends but it's definitely nice to be accepted.

My birthday is the 4th of Jan, I'll be spending the evening with my family at least though I don't particularly get along with them well. I suppose it's better than being alone all day though.

I couldn't have said it better myself about relationships with mental health. I did genuinely think me and my ex would've lasted -at least longer than we did, anyway. We were best friends for about five years, he'd had a thing for me for a lot of that time and I had feelings for him a while before we actually got together too. I always just felt better and happier around him, and he had his own share of mental health problems too (though he told me at first that I helped and that he hallucinated and things less while he was around me). But then he broke up with me and said he wasn't happy anymore, wasn't ready for a relationship, and is now probably dating this girl who hated me for the entirety of our relationship, tried crashing our anniversary and got her friend to have a go at him when we said no, then later in the day started messaging him about how upset she was that he didn't go and see her. The whole thing was a pretty horrible addition to my existing mental health and wanting to ctb. I guess I just feel lied to and replaced now. It's certainly not the first time this has happened to me but definitely the most hard-hitting considering the history me and my ex had, and how that's more or less completely down the drain because of our relationship.

Thank you for all your support though, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry you're going tekugh a hard time as well and I hope you manage to find peace soon, whatever that may be. You seem like an incredibly kind person and it's sad to hear that you're suffering too.

 

[dysfunctional]

Depression so bad that my personality seems to have been vaporized and I struggle to function at a basic level. I have developed so many complexes at this point and can't stop making myself miserable. My life was pretty awesome about 6-7 months ago.

 

[Threads]

I am reopening this thread. There was no need for incivility.

As per our rules

Do not harass, bully, or insult other users. Respect everyone's opinion even if you disagree.

 

[wanttodie]

Depression/mental health
and
Unhappy with my life in general

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

Depression so bad that my personality seems to have been vaporized and I struggle to function at a basic level. I have developed so many complexes at this point and can't stop making myself miserable. My life was pretty awesome about 6-7 months ago.

I am sorry this happened. We cannot always see the other's lenses; but we are all here for a shared communality; life is torture. This forum is by far the most valuable forum I ever came on. It is about life itself.

 

[SiArc]

Too bad we can't pick multiple.

In no particular order:
-finances. Set up for failure going to college. Part of the generation that was told you must to succeed. It seems the opposite and I even got multiple simultaneous degrees.

- genetics/health. Major Depressive Disorder, High Level Generalized/Social Anxiety, diagnosed. Most likely borderline personality disorder, add. Also physically I have had surgeries for tumors, Arnold Chiari Type 1 Malformation of the brain, spondylosis and scoliosis, horrible female issues. Which has prevented me from doing the job I was meant for. Not because I couldn't do it but because medical did not like the titles of my surgeries. Add in recently moderate disc degeneration around my spinal fusion which has brought back migraines with a vengeance and bad back pain and you are looking at a painful and expensive future. Plus I have been gaining a lot of weight due to thyroid shit. Yeah, no. I have always been physically fit. Just haven't had the drive in the last year.

-I don't fit in. I am extremely giving and caring but I am no nonsense about a lot of things. I won't do it for you but I will do it with you kind of thing. People want others to do it for them these days and you're a bitch otherwise. People take advantage of my very giving nature or my strength and just spit me out. I swing between empathy and apathy. I can't connect with most people. I have the skills to socialize but my upbringing which was emotionally/psychologically and sometimes physically abusive did not help. We were isolated so I am isolated from people now. I am intelligent and that does not seem to work in my favor, I have spent my life dumbing myself down because I just wanted to fit in somewhere. Not meant for this world.

 

[TAW122]

I'm unhappy with my life in general as well as the way society is and being powerless to do shit to change it. So with that said, life in general covers an umbrella of issues that I face, being Asian American thus losing out on dating (not that I want to to begin with, but it's depressing that I don't have the capability if I ever wanted to..), not having friends and what not, don't want to wait until a disease or chronic illness fucks my life up and have to rely on others to take care of me. Also, I have Aspergers (which affects the relationships, dating, and social aspects, as well as things that the average person takes for granted or comes easy to them, it's hell for me) and social anxiety. Furthermore, I hate how society condemns suicide, treats it as taboo, mental illness, always bad, etc., and that it allows suicidal people to be mistreated (violation of privacy, due process, civil rights, and then gets billed for it, yet expected to be grateful for mistreatment, pay back something he/she never consented to, and be like another contributing member of society... yeah fuck that). There is more but that is pretty much the main reason for ctb'ing for me.

 

[Sick Boy]

Depression,Anxiety,loneliness

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Severe CPTSD due to an abusive family, being an underachieving loser my whole life, the inability to form connections with people, soul-crushing loneliness, incurable disease. I'm sick to death of spending my whole life staring into the Abyss. It's been a crap life full of pain, hopelessness and despair. Game Over.

 

[throwaway_2620]

Quality of life over the quantity of life. The greatest freedom one can have is the right to choose when and how to die.

I like your signature, thrw_a_way1221221. I agree with it 100%.

 

[Thoughtforms]

I'm 25, and know that it only gets worse from here...

This is my reason

 

[lucines]

Depression, feeling of alienation caused by autism (or society having no place for people with autism?) and seeing no hope for improvement. I've tried almost every form of therapy available and all of them have had very little to no result. Maybe if I had friends as a distraction I might be willing to stick around but I can see my only friend drifting apart from me as she keeps moving forward in life while my world has come to a standstill. I've tried to curb my suicidal thoughts by thinking of my family but it's not enough, hell I've even succeeded in changing my worldview to be more positive and I still want out!

 

[MMNZ91]

I'm a bad person

 

[Singing In The Rain]

Here's a few reasons

1. Got no friends, not that I really care tbh
2. Pretty ugly
3. Never had a partner
4. Hate being a slave to money
5. Unemployable
6. Don't t give a shit about most things these days
7. Mental health is degrading severly
8. Borderline alcoholic
9. The worlds completely shit and I feel like it's hell and a prison.

Generally just sick of life, its repetitive, limited and I'm just completely over it. It feels like a chore and its just not worth it for me. I want out!

Best for me just to accept my life's shit and its not worth fixing and just embrace death.

 

[Rsuicidal]

Likely depression, combined with my other mental illnesses.
Diagnosed with depression at twelve, mostly thought I would die by 25. Did everything like cutting and overdoses at a young age, ran away from an abusive home at fifteen and did a bunch of hard drugs to numb out.
Sort of got clean ie just did legal things like drink for years. Been a hot mess alcoholic anyways.
Now I have bad impulse problems stemming into my current life as in a bad pot addiction. I cannot stop myself from doing bad things all of the time.
Best case senario I end up on disability and continue my shitty poverty life of no family, very few friends I nearly never see.
My fiance thinks I am a llazy drain on society so yay zero support from anyone for anything.
I dont want to keep staying alive for more years. I just hate myself and want to be anyone else except for me.

 

[Taylor]

Here's a few reasons

1. Got no friends, not that I really care tbh
2. Pretty ugly
3. Never had a partner
4. Hate being a slave to money
5. Unemployable
6. Don't t give a shit about most things these days
7. Mental health is degrading severly
8. Borderline alcoholic
9. The worlds completely shit and I feel like it's hell and a prison.

Generally just sick of life, its repetitive, limited and I'm just completely over it. It feels like a chore and its just not worth it for me. I want out!

Best for me just to accept my life's shit and its not worth fixing and just embrace death.

Aside from my physical and mental health issues, I feel the same way about life in general now too, especially the wage slaving aspect. Being in this much physical pain, my chances of working for anything rewarding are pretty much slim to none these days, and I wouldn't even be able to enjoy it anyway. Chronic pain/disability is truly the greatest theft of life in my opinion.

 

[Singing In The Rain]

I'm so sorry to hear you're in physical pain. I did read your post about your joints giving you grief and i really feel for you. Physical health is something I've always taken for granted so im lucky in that aspect but its just my mind that's fucked now

 

[onewayroad]

I have bipolar type I. Out of all of the mental illnesses, schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, etc., bipolar type I has the highest suicide rate. Not double or triple the normal population, something like thirty times higher.

And I completely understand why. Bipolar type I is basically major depressive disorder but then sometimes you go insane. I am waiting until I've tried every treatment option but I will not live another 40 years like this. No way. It's hell.

 

[Taylor]

I'm so sorry to hear you're in physical pain. I did read your post about your joints giving you grief and i really feel for you. Physical health is something I've always taken for granted so im lucky in that aspect but its just my mind that's fucked now

Thank you, yeah it honestly makes you wish you weren't even in your body anymore. My mind is fried too. Looking back at all the contributing factors of my suicide makes me feel pretty strong at least, like wow. It took all of that to bring me down. Haha

 

[Taylor]

I'm a bad person

No you're not.

 

[Taylor]

I have bipolar type I. Out of all of the mental illnesses, schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, etc., bipolar type I has the highest suicide rate. Not double or triple the normal population, something like thirty times higher.

And I completely understand why. Bipolar type I is basically major depressive disorder but then sometimes you go insane. I am waiting until I've tried every treatment option but I will not live another 40 years like this. No way. It's hell.

I'm so sorry. I know exactly where you're coming from, living with mental illness is absolutely terrible, if not impossible most of the time. I can't stand how limited and disabled I am by it, feeling so robbed of my life because of it, and also knowing who I used to be, before mental illness took over my life.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I suck at life … I will always be poor … I'm not smart … Life just really BLOWS even if you have brains.

 

[Final Escape]

I wanted to say the main things that are crushing me but I'm too ashamed right now. Normally I'am overly open about why I want to ctb. I've just made bad life choices and life these days is a lot less fun and a lot more painful as a result. I have to wonder if I could have seen myself years later into the future 20yrs later if I would have attempted to change my young self to try to alter my outcome in life. I would hope so lol!

 

[Taylor]

I suck at life … I will always be poor … I'm not smart … Life just really BLOWS even if you have brains.

True, there's really no other way around the fact that you're going to suffer, no matter who you are. That is the reality of this cruel "life". Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

 

[Taylor]

I've just made bad life choices and life these days is a lot less fun and a lot more painful as a result.

This is a big factor in my desire to ctb as well. It's like I don't even know who this man is anymore, and life is just impossible for me now, due to the circumstances that have come into my life. Suffering in immense chronic pain from head to toe due to substantial injuries and wear and tear I've suffered over the years, with no college experience yet at the age of 25, while most of my peers would technically be done with graduate school by now, is just like yeah....I'm gonna just...step outside for a minute....hahaha.