What is your primary reason for ctb?

[Floraknife]

I have bipolar type I. Out of all of the mental illnesses, schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, etc., bipolar type I has the highest suicide rate. Not double or triple the normal population, something like thirty times higher.

And I completely understand why. Bipolar type I is basically major depressive disorder but then sometimes you go insane. I am waiting until I've tried every treatment option but I will not live another 40 years like this. No way. It's hell.

Oh I can believe it. I'm rapid cycling bipolar II, but with psychotic depression, and yeah, I have the most insane fears... like - being terrified of socially interacting with anyone because they'll be able to tell I'm "not right" so I literally talk to no one and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of going even more batshit, lol, paranoia and psychosis when coupled with chronic depression of any kind is seriously fucked up. I am done here.

 

[Final Escape]

This is a big factor in my desire to ctb as well. It's like I don't even know who this man is anymore, and life is just impossible for me now, due to the circumstances that have come into my life. Suffering in immense chronic pain from head to toe due to substantial injuries and wear and tear I've suffered over the years, with no college experience yet at the age of 25, while most of my peers would technically be done with graduate school by now, is just like yeah....I'm gonna just...step outside for a minute....hahaha.

What happened to injure your body so much? Oh don't worry about your age like where you're supposed to be. Men have a bit longer to get their life straight anyway. This guy I met made a video on YouTube "don't try until you're 35" by Aaron Clarey. Is there any treatment for the pain?

 

[Taylor]

What happened to injure your body so much? Oh don't worry about your age like where you're supposed to be. Men have a bit longer to get their life straight anyway. This guy I met made a video on YouTube "don't try until you're 35" by Aaron Clarey. Is there any treatment for the pain?

A combination of poor cartilage integrity genetics (I'm assuming since my cousin is dealing with the same issues at only 20 years old), and attempting to become a Navy SEAL when I was 19...haha. I absolutely destroyed my body. Really the only treatment at this point is undergoing about 15 surgeries and living on pain killers the rest of my life. I just know it'll never be the same and pain free to my liking again (I'm really stubborn that way), so I'd much rather just put an end to my misery now while I'm "ahead", rather than suffering through all of those surgeries and recovery only to be 40+ where I'm just going to die soon anyway.

 

[Taylor]

I'd much rather die while I'm still young and handsome haha.

 

[Final Escape]

I'd much rather die while I'm still young and handsome haha.

Right I miss being 25 lol! It was fun. Besides the painful mistakes I made in those years it was still better than now at 41 goin on 42. I don't think I can handle another year of this.

 

[borntodie777]

Being a 23 year old virgin sucks.. I'm fat and ugly. I just hope when I finally hang myself I would succeed in killing myself

This life was a mistake, a miserable experience for me since I can't feel emotions that others feel.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Existential dread, just hate living with a burning passion. This world and society send chills down my spine. Have always felt a sense of nostalga for the prenatal years when I didn't exist and want to go back. This place sucks.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

True, there's really no other way around the fact that you're going to suffer, no matter who you are. That is the reality of this cruel "life". Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

Hopefully you are smarter than me or can hide it better.

 

[GhostedToast]

Depression, aspergers (knowing i cant be really normal or understand people), really bad memories from when i was younger, issues i've had within the past year with my dad, feeling like a failure, and i'm mostly un happy with life.

 

[Taylor]

Depression, aspergers (knowing i cant be really normal or understand people), really bad memories from when i was younger, issues i've had within the past year with my dad, feeling like a failure, and i'm mostly un happy with life.

Having the sense of not feeling "normal" is definitely one of the greatest tortures I've experienced in this life, and took feeling "normal" for granted my whole life, until it happened. I feel that on such a deep level, and you're definitely not the only one.

 

[Euryale]

Depression, aspergers (knowing i cant be really normal or understand people), really bad memories from when i was younger, issues i've had within the past year with my dad, feeling like a failure, and i'm mostly un happy with life.

Also have Asperger's though I recently became aware about it in a Reddit thread. I didn't have diagnosis since my childhood so I was led to believe that I was normal. As I grew up, I did try to be social and made some friends although it did take a while before I realized I wasn't really "connecting" to them. And then bad stuff happened which led me to become a social cripple. Though knowing about my Asperger's made me smile a bit, for there's finally a reason why my attempts had been in vain... and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[I am ___________]

Because life is just shit. Just like a bad movie, I'm not sticking around to see how it ends. Better off just disappearing into nothingness.

 

[I am ___________]

I am sorry this happened. We cannot always see the other's lenses; but we are all here for a shared communality; life is torture. This forum is by far the most valuable forum I ever came on. It is about life itself.

The lesson that life is pointless, meaningless, futile, and does not have any value at all. Human life is not worth a damn thing.

 

[cu1len]

I have a lot of anxiety and some of my friends are extremely suicidal and I've been on the phone with them multiple nights when they almost ctb. Those were terrifying experiences and they've placed a weight upon my chest that I cannot lift off. It's crushing and I feel the only way to lift it is ctb.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Wow, that is terrible. I heard that Canada has a similar issue with their behavioral health departments. Probably their only consequence in having free healthcare to the general population. Long wait lists and understaffing. Thank you! I hope you do as well. Hugs!

Canadian health is NOT free. Referrals to specialists is in most cases, but not all. I am still waiting on authorization for Rx eye drops, and running out of samples. Not using the drops will cause permanent visual loss. In short I will be completely blind. The medical care here is almost non-existent. So please stop using this country as a sample of free healthcare. It most certainly is not. Thank you.

 

[Taylor]

Canadian health is NOT free. Referrals to specialists is in most cases, but not all. I am still waiting on authorization for Rx eye drops, and running out of samples. Not using the drops will cause permanent visual loss. In short I will be completely blind. The medical care here is almost non-existent. So please stop using this country as a sample of free healthcare. It most certainly is not. Thank you.

A visit to a specialist would cost you about $3,000 here in the US. That's what I'm getting at, and $300/mo insurance will cover maybe half of that. Maybe. You have free healthcare.

 

[CJM]

When I wanted to, it was because of my Dad - his death was the catalyst but I also found that I tended to keep things to myself, bottle it up, essentially that was normal to me, but his death after months of being bed ridden and suffering with no opportunity to let us give him the chance to die earlier rather than watching him die really fucking set me off.

 

[Titania]

Depression, anxiety, PTSD. Along with sexual orientation issues (I struggle having feelings for either sex due to my PTSD) and financial issues.

 

[Ch92921]

Depression, did a lot wrong

 

[Deleted member 1768]

A visit to a specialist would cost you about $3,000 here in the US. That's what I'm getting at, and $300/mo insurance will cover maybe half of that. Maybe. You have free healthcare.

I see what you mean Taylor. Thank you for clarifying that...smile...I must admit I am truly frightened to lose what I have left of my sight. I have put together several methods for my demise, but I am not sure if I can do this without vision...I apologize for my comments...too stressed. Hugs Taylor...and again...thank you. What concerns me is the belief that healthcare is free in this country. It used to be, but not anymore Taylor. Not by a long shot. To think that someone from another country would come here for care scares me half to death...You can see most doctors for free, but that is only if you pay a premium, and the vision is due to waiting 1 year to see an Ophthalmologist. I also had to pay for the optometrist, will have to pay for special glasses, can't go to a dentist, no physiotherapist...the list goes on. If you need an ambulane...guess what?' You have to pay for it. Casts, slings, crutches, etc. and etc...all require out of pocket cash. So anybody who comes here expecting real help will find it singularly lacking. Those immigrants, not migrants, cannot believe how bad the healthcare is here. Long-winded...sorry Taylor. I am just afraid for people...

 

[Xerxes]

I felt like I never had a human connection or a connection with the world the way others did. What worked for some didn't work for me. The times I thought I had that human connection, I end up being used and then thrown out. When there were times I needed a shoulder to cry on, there was no one there or couldn't be bothered with me. I see it over and over in my lifetime of others not caring or not empathizing the way I do. Sometimes the human connection can be skewered. My wife takes my compassion and thinks I'm doing that for nefarious reasons. I don't seek any moral support at this moment in life. I have no reasons to exact revenge on anyone, but perhaps mistrust on her part makes her feel that I'm putting all my pain into her.

My wife told me before Christmas that has stuck with me since. She thinks about killing herself because of me. She has depression when she's around me. I feel nothing but guilt and shame because my depression has leaked into her. She manages to get by day by day which is great. And I fill my life with distractions such as work, studying, and this community. I'm great at fixing others problems or being there for them, maybe it's time I fix my problem for the betterment of others the one way I know how. I'm tired of life, I'm tired of hurting...just tired of it all.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Oh Xerxes I am so sorry. It is bad enough struggling everyday just to keep going against all the odds, but to have your partner say such a thing is horrendous. You are; empathic, kind, intelligent and I am greatly saddened to hear you going through such an ordeal. We are different Xerxes.
Intelligence rings out on this site, creativity is profound and understanding pervasive.
But, I am very much like you. Tired of giving and getting nothing in return. Tired of being used, abused, manipulated, lied to...oh man. Not helping you here Xerxes. It seems that we may be mirror images of one another. Sometimes I think that the depression inherent in so many lives makes
those who care feel helpless against the tide. Hugs Xerxes...

 

[Redt2go]

Same as xerxes. Realized the "meaning of life" is human connection and my mental illness makes it impossible for me to connect with others. I can't change it. It's my personality. It's who I am. On top on the personality issue, severe depression making it impossible to amount to anything in life or contribute to society in normal ways. No point in going on except to keep mother happy .

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I have bipolar type I. Out of all of the mental illnesses, schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, etc., bipolar type I has the highest suicide rate. Not double or triple the normal population, something like thirty times higher.

And I completely understand why. Bipolar type I is basically major depressive disorder but then sometimes you go insane. I am waiting until I've tried every treatment option but I will not live another 40 years like this. No way. It's hell.

Oneway have you ever tried Lamictal/lamotrigine? The research done using this med for your type of BPD is greatly improving many lives...I am sorry to say that I do not have a link...but there is much evidence out there, and it is easy on the body. I use it for epilepsy...gosh it would super if you could at least try it...best wishes hon..hug.

 

[onewayroad]

Oneway have you ever tried Lamictal/lamotrigine? The research done using this med for your type of BPD is greatly improving many lives...I am sorry to say that I do not have a link...but there is much evidence out there, and it is easy on the body. I use it for epilepsy...gosh it would super if you could at least try it...best wishes hon..hug.

thank you, actually lamictal is my next option to try. I have a tab for it open in chrome right now. here's hoping it's the one that works for me

 

[15dec]

I felt like I never had a human connection or a connection with the world the way others did. What worked for some didn't work for me. The times I thought I had that human connection, I end up being used and then thrown out. When there were times I needed a shoulder to cry on, there was no one there or couldn't be bothered with me. I see it over and over in my lifetime of others not caring or not empathizing the way I do. Sometimes the human connection can be skewered. My wife takes my compassion and thinks I'm doing that for nefarious reasons. I don't seek any moral support at this moment in life. I have no reasons to exact revenge on anyone, but perhaps mistrust on her part makes her feel that I'm putting all my pain into her.

My wife told me before Christmas that has stuck with me since. She thinks about killing herself because of me. She has depression when she's around me. I feel nothing but guilt and shame because my depression has leaked into her. She manages to get by day by day which is great. And I fill my life with distractions such as work, studying, and this community. I'm great at fixing others problems or being there for them, maybe it's time I fix my problem for the betterment of others the one way I know how. I'm tired of life, I'm tired of hurting...just tired of it all.

Wow, I've actually had plenty of similar experiences. Growing up it's always been hard for me to 'click' with people and though I can make friends and talk to people I rarely connect with anyone, and more often than not those connections fade when they find someone more interesting and who's less of a burden.

As for the part with your wife... I'm incredibly sorry to hear that this has happened. I wish I could do something to change it but all I can really say is that I had something similar with an ex, he told me (quite brutally) that I was the one making him want to die and that I was the reason why his arm was 'dripping with blood'. He also told me "you're trying to help, you're the fucking one making it worse". It's incredibky sad that we seem to inadvertently share our own struggles and depression with others. It seems like you love to help others as I do so I think I understand the anguish you feel, when no matter what you try you just seem to end up hurting others. It's a horrible feeling. Sending you hugs

 

[zzprepro]

Since the beginning of last year, I have been operating on 80-90 hours schedule per week, going to school hardcore from Monday - Thursday taking 5 engineering classes ( I have about 2 more years to getting a degree from a respectable school and a very high paying career) while working full time from Friday - Sunday ( roughly 36 hours in 3 days). It was a stressful year and I observed my mental health started declining. Anyone that has been through such stress know it has such negative impact on your quality of life and how you behave and treat other people around. I became more irritated, angry. That got out of countrol when my grades started slipping (I am on scholarship so I need 3.5 GPA to maintain it) and I was in some financial tight spot. I am going to admit that I wasn't the best boyfriend/fiance to my now ex and she felt unhappy with the relationship we were having. At one point when we had a pregnancy scare, I did what a stressful 21 years old guy who hasn't had his life in order would do, I panicked and told her I will not take care of the baby if she has it. That was the turning point of the relationship or at least the beginning of it. The reality was I would have loved our baby and my fiance anyway. Not long after that she started distanting herself from the relationship and one night she decided to walk out on me while in bed just to be with another dude she just had met and came back at 5 in the morning to tell me that she doesnt love me enough. That whole night while she was gone, I cried and called asking where she is at (Still have nightmares and flashbacks from it as it affects me deeply). Eveything after that is well... spontaneous combustion. It got so bad I went to hospital 3 times, psyward twice for attempting to slash my wrist in front of her house and another time for telling a friend straight up I'm going to get of work tonight and kill myself with a 9mm glock. Both resulted on being thrown against the squad car, handcuffed and transported to the ER. The fallout from all the shit that I pulled was horrendous, ex and her family never want to see me..ever again, she changed her number and delete all my social media traces and pretty much if I ever set foot in the neighborhood again, I'll be arrested and charged with a felony. My family is completely devastated and shocked, that sure helps with the guilt I'm already carrying... My friends are completely bewildered and disappointed, some are flat out hostile and angry. The general consensus toward me is that I am a completely idiot, stupid, weak. Why give up your life when you're young, handsome, funny, intelligent and have a good life ahead of you. Yes because of all the achievements I ever accomplished, how sociable I am and how much people around that care and love me unconditionally, I should feel happy and satisfied right? Most of the time nowadays, I spent in isolation and completely closed myself to everyone because I can't watch myself hurting others. I was diagnosed with clinical depression with severe episodes after what happened, I feel sad, unhappy and empty most of the time. People wanna see what they wanna see, a successful, sociable person by society standard but they don't see how much of the persistent sadness and emotional, mental pain a person is going through. They don't see that you can get overwhelmed with the pain so much that nothing inside you can help you cope with it and you end up collapsing to the floor crying yourself to death. I cried before going to sleep, during sleep and after I woke up.The feelings ot guilt, shame, hurt, and an inexplicable persistent feeling of sadness for everything happened before and after the emotional trauma my ex put me through. Part of me wants to share that blame on others and my ex but most of the time I blame myself to death for everything. These days I'm not as impulsive as 2 months ago but I know too well that if the pain takes over again, I will ding myself with a 9mm and end my life right there. Fuck attention and all that, I don't want to become a tragic story in the family and friend's circle. He killed himself while he has everything waiting for him, I just want to be forgotten and carry the immense amount of pain with me.
TL;DR: life went to hell, stressed out, school and work didn't go well, fiance cheated and dumped me in the most horrible way -> Depressed and feeling suicidal.

 

[stiffneckl]

I am going to ctb strictly because of neurological health issues. I broke my back at 22 yrs old. Two surgeries and much hardware in my spine area caused a steady decline of my functions from my waist down. My nervous system has went crazy in the last year. I've been to specialists, and they all say my nerves and my brain are not working together. There is nothing that can be done to fix that because of so much damage to my spine. I am told that I will be totally non functional from the waist down in 3--5 months. I feel differences almost weekly, I don't want to be in diapers. In about 1 yr. the Drs. say the rest of my body will be the same. I will have no brain activity soon after and be in a vegetative state. The Drs. say that could last for years. Its strange because there is very little pain associated with this. So I am going while I have the mind to do it. I am not going to leave the family in debt to my illness. I love them to much to burden them for likely years. I am planning my affairs, and my lawyer is finishing getting everything in order. I'm only leaving my utilities to be covered. It is really odd because after I practiced, I am completely calm, not anxious or paranoid as the time gets near. I do have some questions about my partial hanging, if anyone can help.

 

[msexit]

All the above

 

[TheCrow]

I feel like a coward too, despite the magnitude of my suffering. But then I think of all the "successful" and "happy" people out there who are completely fine, and imagine them having just one of my problems, and laugh at the thought of them trying to handle it, knowing they'd probably kill themselves too. When you think of it that way, we're the strong ones, having to deal with problems so severe that we contemplate taking our own lives to compensate. If anything, it takes tremendous courage to kill yourself, peacefully or not. Not many people are capable of it.

Exactly.