My current state of mind shares some similarities with posts above: I wish I never existed in the first place and I feel confident I won't ever regret saying or wishing that.
I did go through a phase where I was determined to CTB, but I hadn't researched deeply about any surefire way of doing it—I planned on cutting and bleeding to death, hoping that I'd lose consciousness first before my body experienced other shocking reactions from the loss of blood... I guess I assumed it would work since I always passed out when getting my blood drawn in tiny vials, so I assumed if I could get myself to bleed a lot I would pass out "peacefully" first and then die, but I realized it wouldn't be that simple and grew afraid of the risk of failure/complications.
Having a difficult relationship with my family, I had to find work so I don't end up homeless in the future. It really feels like stepping inside a tornado or something... just an endless cycle.. a trap of having to get up everyday, go to work, sleep, repeat, with no real breaks to rest and recuperate. It really fucking sucks. A part of me felt motivated to get a job because I would feel like I'm doing something responsible or "adult" and maybe I could spend the money on self-care products and services to improve my life in any way possible. But that went away as fast as a week after I got hired... at a job where you realize it's a job for teens and college students that are just looking for some extra spending money, so they don't take the job seriously and think you're weird and pitiful to be planning on staying at this job long-term at a much older age. Managers regularly comparing and posting employee's performances to celebrate the top performers who bring in the most money for the company and shame the low performers.
Every night I wish and pray I wouldn't wake up the following day. I wish for eternal rest and peaceful slumber. I wish for my existence to cease and for everyone's memory with me to vanish. But I don't want to die. Or rather, I don't want to go through the dying process. I'm not afraid of death—I'm afraid of dying. The shock on the body, the slow and progressive loss of senses and consciousness, the internal pain in the body organs, confusion, etc. I just want to go peacefully, comfortably, and painlessly. I need a miracle.
