what is your current state of mind?

[lemonbunny]

do you have a plan to ctb? do you still want to ctb, but have no plan? what are your thoughts on life at the moment. i just wanna check in, maybe see if anybody's going through the same limbo that i am.

right now i feel sort of paranoid and numb at the same time, and i feel like it's keeping me from fully considering ctb. i just want to sit and rot instead. but i know that i want to eventually get a job and make money so i don't leave my parents in financial trouble. everything is contradicting each other in my head and it sucks.

 

[unabletocope]

Down down downer

 

[casandranova29]

My parents are doing fine financially. They have already planned for their retirement so I don't have to worry about that.
My state of mind right now is Fked up. I am not depressed nor do I have any mental health issues. I am trying to spend my last remaining days peacefully and happily. I am committed on doing CTB, I have gathered my resources, I am just waiting for the right time.
Also I need to write some parting (CTB note) for a few people close to me. Very confusing and frustrating task...

 

[Passersby]

My current state of mind is that I wish somebody would shoot me.

 

[lemonbunny]

My parents are doing fine financially. They have already planned for their retirement so I don't have to worry about that.
My state of mind right now is Fked up. I am not depressed nor do I have any mental health issues. I am trying to spend my last remaining days peacefully and happily. I am committed on doing CTB, I have gathered my resources, I am just waiting for the right time.
Also I need to write some parting (CTB note) for a few people close to me. Very confusing and frustrating task...

this is interesting, i feel like most people are some sort of depressed when they ctb. but now that i think about it, if things went as planned and i got a good job and stuff then i might not be depressed when i ctb, though the rationale for ctb is still there. so your reason for ctb is not because you are sad, but because it makes sense to you? or something like that

 

[Mea Culpa]

Constant state of deterioration

 

[Ww42]

Im really calm. Ive chosen my date. Im going to enjoy the warm sun during summer vacation from college for a little bit. Im just accepting that this is how I will go. Meditating on death a lot too

 

[sserafim]

I want to ctb and I'm making a plan right now, but I'm most scared of failure. The fear of failing never goes away. I heard that people who failed my method mainly failed because they called for help, so hopefully I won't. I feel empty and bored all the time. I don't want to live out the rest of my life but I might be forced to (if I don't ctb)

 

[casandranova29]

this is interesting, i feel like most people are some sort of depressed when they ctb. but now that i think about it, if things went as planned and i got a good job and stuff then i might not be depressed when i ctb, though the rationale for ctb is still there. so your reason for ctb is not because you are sad, but because it makes sense to you? or something like that

I said that I am not depressed. But I am sad. I have my valid reasons for CTB. Like you said that my reason is that it makes sense to me. CTB is the most sensible option for me right now.

I want to ctb and I'm making a plan right now, but I'm most scared of failure. The fear of failing never goes away. I heard that people failed this method because they called for help so hopefully I won't

Wishing u best of luck with your plans.
Although its not very difficult to make a foolproof plan

 

[sserafim]

I said that I am not depressed. But I am sad. I have my valid reasons for CTB. Like you said that my reason is that it makes sense to me. CTB is the most sensible option for me right now.

Wishing u best of luck with your plans.
Although its not very difficult to make a foolproof plan

My method is N and I heard it's usually foolproof. It depends on if I can get it though. Things can always go wrong though; nothing is guaranteed in this world. Things don't always go according to plan. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong

 

[casandranova29]

My method is N and I heard it's usually foolproof. It depends on if I can get it though. Things can always go wrong though; nothing is guaranteed in this world. Things don't always go according to plan. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong

I totally understand how you are feeling about this. I am going for partial hanging and it isn't foolproof as it very easily lead to failure if not done precisely. I am afraid that I'll fail and ppl will find me unconscious in vegetable state...
In my country its extremely hard to get hands on substances like N

 

[divinemistress36]

How will you get it?

My method is N and I heard it's usually foolproof. It depends on if I can get it though. Things can always go wrong though; nothing is guaranteed in this world. Things don't always go according to plan. Anything that can go wrong will go

 

[F@#$]

Fucked

 

[sserafim]

How will you get it?

By going traveling lol

 

[vetreadytodie1972]

I'm brand new here and not used to the abbreviations. But to answer the question, I'm done... completely done. So ready to leave here. I've been wanting to leave for 42 years. Tried to leave over and over, but failed. Hoping to find a foolproof way to succeed here.

 

[Iris Blue]

I feel defeated. I'd love to go more into it but I am defeated right now. Wishing you the best

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

current and active mood is that i'd wish i'd never been born at all. something disgusting and subhuman like me shouldn't exist. i don't want to be looked at. i want my friends to forget i ever existed and i want to die. i have a plan, i just don't know when the right time would be to go through with it.

 

[JaJu]

My current state of mind shares some similarities with posts above: I wish I never existed in the first place and I feel confident I won't ever regret saying or wishing that.
I did go through a phase where I was determined to CTB, but I hadn't researched deeply about any surefire way of doing it—I planned on cutting and bleeding to death, hoping that I'd lose consciousness first before my body experienced other shocking reactions from the loss of blood... I guess I assumed it would work since I always passed out when getting my blood drawn in tiny vials, so I assumed if I could get myself to bleed a lot I would pass out "peacefully" first and then die, but I realized it wouldn't be that simple and grew afraid of the risk of failure/complications.
Having a difficult relationship with my family, I had to find work so I don't end up homeless in the future. It really feels like stepping inside a tornado or something... just an endless cycle.. a trap of having to get up everyday, go to work, sleep, repeat, with no real breaks to rest and recuperate. It really fucking sucks. A part of me felt motivated to get a job because I would feel like I'm doing something responsible or "adult" and maybe I could spend the money on self-care products and services to improve my life in any way possible. But that went away as fast as a week after I got hired... at a job where you realize it's a job for teens and college students that are just looking for some extra spending money, so they don't take the job seriously and think you're weird and pitiful to be planning on staying at this job long-term at a much older age. Managers regularly comparing and posting employee's performances to celebrate the top performers who bring in the most money for the company and shame the low performers.
Every night I wish and pray I wouldn't wake up the following day. I wish for eternal rest and peaceful slumber. I wish for my existence to cease and for everyone's memory with me to vanish. But I don't want to die. Or rather, I don't want to go through the dying process. I'm not afraid of death—I'm afraid of dying. The shock on the body, the slow and progressive loss of senses and consciousness, the internal pain in the body organs, confusion, etc. I just want to go peacefully, comfortably, and painlessly. I need a miracle.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

this is whee a pic says a thousand words

 

[lemonbunny]

It really feels like stepping inside a tornado or something... just an endless cycle.. a trap of having to get up everyday, go to work, sleep, repeat, with no real breaks to rest and recuperate.

i really can relate. comparison is the thief of joy, and yet our world thrives on it. time doesn't stop for anybody, doesn't allow us time to rest and get better, doesn't allow a way out.

 

[LunarGirl]

depressed, want to ctb, also just been rotting these past 2 weeks. spent probably 80% of my days in bed lately. not really been eating much either. wishing that it was easier and simpler to go but it is what it is

 

[JaJu]

depressed, want to ctb, also just been rotting these past 2 weeks. spent probably 80% of my days in bed lately. not really been eating much either. wishing that it was easier and simpler to go but it is what it is

been there. It got to a point where I started experiencing severe lower abdominal pain and constipation from months of inactivity that I had to start walking again to gradually alleviate the discomfort. hope you won't have to go through that.

 

[goblin99]

I have a ctb plan that may be unachievable, but right now my state of mind is pretty solid. I just wish I could leave already and stop struggling with life

 

[TiredTurtle]

Worst pain of my life for the past few years, having constant panic attacks cant sleep losing my mind doing nothing but searching for SN and practicing noose knots as backup.

 

[heavyeyes]

I have my plan to ctb. But I'm never alone for long enough to act on my plan without being found too soon. I'm like a rat in a cage at this point. I want out

 

[Arachno]

My state of mind? I'm feeling like a mess also kind of numb right now. I don't have a proper plan but want to CTB.

 

[lita-lassi]

My current state of mind is that I wish somebody would shoot me.

this

 

[EmptyHeaded]

It is what it is, until it finally ends.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm waiting for my Dad to go first so, I'm just forcing myself to get through as best I can. Like you though, I feel a whole mixture of things throughout the day. Resentment at having been born and having to try and negotiate this life. A near constant worry about work that I'm not quick enough, won't earn enough, won't find enough work. (Creative freelance.) I must think about suicide multiple times each hour. I have my method prepared- SN. So, a lot of the time is spent worrying about what it will feel like, whether it will even work. How soon after my Dad's passing I'll do it.

It's all too much to decide definitely upon so, for a while I've started to care less. I've told myself I'll have to wait and see how I feel when the time comes. It feels a lot like just treading water at the moment.

Comparitively speaking, I worry less about work. I still do worry but it's to a less catastrophic degree. I'm enjoying that side of it. Letting myself off worrying about my future because hopefully, I won't have one! It's a whole mixture of thoughts and emotions.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just feel trapped in this cruel, harmful and dreadful existence. Really wish I wasn't burdened with the ability to exist in the first place, it's so horrible how we cannot just have the option to easily die in peace even know we were so unfairly forced here. Human existence is really undesirable to me, I'm tired of being conscious and aware in such a hellish reality where there is endless potential for suffering and torment, there is no point to existence, there was never a need for existence, it's so tragic how life even had to exist at all.