owarikigan
Member
- Sep 19, 2025
- 36
i have no aspirations or dreams. ideally i rot and sit in a room playing video games forever because i just do not have the energy nor willpower to put up with anything else, and even then i can barely enjoy them anymore. but i still want friends or at the very least to be a concern for anyone , and for years i continuously pray to a god i'm both scared of and on the fence about and repeat manifestations that i'll be cured of my disability to talk to people/whatever curse makes me so unapproachable and inherently hated. i do college just to appease my parents and not just "do nothing" but they still hate me and it only seems to get worse with the abuse. i want nothing from it, i'm only going to get by with what is easiest because i am obliged to by being thrust into living. i don't know how people are okay with waking up every day and know for certain what they want. and i don't know why even after so long i'm still so hesitant to end my life. i think it's mostly because i'm afraid of the evil out there that will be content with my departure, and not in the way that i've found peace. and i fear it may sound manipulative, but when i don't have the few people i hold close i don't have an audience and therefore feel, want, and experience nothing. i can't just live for myself because i want either to be seen, or to not have to exist to feel myself be neglected and abused any further
