What is one change that will make you not suicidal?

[loststar]

Go back to a checkpoint in my teenage years are redo all the stuff i fucked up on going into my 20s

 

[LongtimeLoser]

My health back

 

[Dear Agony]

Losing weight.

 

[everhopeless]

To be cared for the way that I care for others

 

[MementoMori81]

The very foundations and reality of life and death would have to alter completely in order for me to snap out of this I think mate . Honestly, my mind is an utter prankster, but it seems to only get a buzz out of playing it's stumble bump jokes on me .
I'd love for some of you to be able to take a little wander up there and see what you think, it'd be good for a laugh, if nothing else.

On the one hand, I have this firmly held belief that, ultimately, nothing we do matters. Even if we did something profound whilst alive, and were remembered for a little bit longer by a few more people after our death, to us, after death, it wouldn't matter because we would no longer be aware of it to enjoy the fruits. But then, on the other hand, I think it would be a good thing to do regardless. So I back and forth between an urge to stay and see what may be, what I might be able to offer, but then on the other hand the thought of it somewhat sickens me - the thought of having to stay and keep going over this repetitive pattern of thinking.

On the one hand I think it might be worth holding out to see if I can tame my mind, but on the other, it totally exhausts me. It's like I'm trying to both catch my mind, and escape it all at the same time. I swear I nearly ran my car into a roundabout today where I was arguing with my mind. Last year, I nearly bought myself a Nicholson 34, with the idea of sailing around the world solo and for a second there felt quite elated that this could be my 'thing' - I'd photograph and film as I went, I'd write about it and try and inspire others. Maybe not even people alive today, it could be my message in a bottle, my time capsule that others may read in generations to come and they would understand, and not feel alone. They would know that someone back in history understood them.
Then, my therapist (among others), hit me with a little truth-pill; "Aaron, by taking off on your own around the world, you're just trying to outrun the one thing you can't outrun.......yourself."

So, no boat.

Right now, also, I'd like a little less anhedonia so that things that used to give me pleasure, would begin to do so again. Oh, and I'd probably feel a little less suicidal if I stopped having those weird moments where I catch myself in the mirror and then wonder what or who the hell is really in there (in where? I don't know, just inside, like the real me - I'm not my name, I'm not my body, I'm not who or what others think I am, but there's something there I can't quite put my finger on, an essence? - does this even make sense?)
I think what I'm getting at, is that I'd feel less suicidal if I had some answers to a few things.
I'll also add in there that, if I could stop ruminating on things; things from my past, including occurrences, the way I've handled certain things, things I've said, things others have said - having made up scenarios that I don't like pop into my head, only to have to go back over things to do with that scenario or person etc because if I don't, I can't relax andddddd, yeah, told ya, my mind is a bit of a circus.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I know, bad habit, but surely I'm not the only person here that feels like this at the moment?

In short, I need a complete overhaul.

 

[Cryptonite]

Curing my severe spinal disease.

 

[clown_17]

Unfucking my brain. Making it normal. Just remove my mental illnesses.

I don't even care about the childhood trauma that shit can stay. I'd be able to cope with it and move on if I had a functional mind, just as many do.

 

[PaperGodzilla]

Not having to work almost our whole life. I would feel less exhausted and maybe able to find joy in life

 

[ornitier199]

Nothing.
It will always be there no matter what.
It's just been a part of me for so long.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

If I would not aging.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

I'd need to figure out how to crawl out of the apathy enough to deal with my weight issues. Years back, after I quit smoking, I slowly started gaining weight. Combine that with my asthma and the result was that I stopped being as active. From there it was really just a visious cycle --- gain more weight, get less active, gain more weight, get less active........... Sure, there have been short periods where I convinced myself to do some diet and I lost a bit of weight, but like most people that diet, I gained it all back plus more.

I truly, truly hate myself these days because of the weight. I cannot stand to look in a mirror. I struggle any time I need to go out and be seen by people, especially people that I know. However, while I hate the weight so badly, I cannot seem to make myself actually do anything about it -- mostly because it really just seems hopeless and I know that even if I shed a few pounds, it won't last.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

The very foundations and reality of life and death would have to alter completely in order for me to snap out of this I think mate . Honestly, my mind is an utter prankster, but it seems to only get a buzz out of playing it's stumble bump jokes on me .
I'd love for some of you to be able to take a little wander up there and see what you think, it'd be good for a laugh, if nothing else.

On the one hand, I have this firmly held belief that, ultimately, nothing we do matters. Even if we did something profound whilst alive, and were remembered for a little bit longer by a few more people after our death, to us, after death, it wouldn't matter because we would no longer be aware of it to enjoy the fruits. But then, on the other hand, I think it would be a good thing to do regardless. So I back and forth between an urge to stay and see what may be, what I might be able to offer, but then on the other hand the thought of it somewhat sickens me - the thought of having to stay and keep going over this repetitive pattern of thinking.

On the one hand I think it might be worth holding out to see if I can tame my mind, but on the other, it totally exhausts me. It's like I'm trying to both catch my mind, and escape it all at the same time. I swear I nearly ran my car into a roundabout today where I was arguing with my mind. Last year, I nearly bought myself a Nicholson 34, with the idea of sailing around the world solo and for a second there felt quite elated that this could be my 'thing' - I'd photograph and film as I went, I'd write about it and try and inspire others. Maybe not even people alive today, it could be my message in a bottle, my time capsule that others may read in generations to come and they would understand, and not feel alone. They would know that someone back in history understood them.
Then, my therapist (among others), hit me with a little truth-pill; "Aaron, by taking off on your own around the world, you're just trying to outrun the one thing you can't outrun.......yourself."

So, no boat.

Right now, also, I'd like a little less anhedonia so that things that used to give me pleasure, would begin to do so again. Oh, and I'd probably feel a little less suicidal if I stopped having those weird moments where I catch myself in the mirror and then wonder what or who the hell is really in there (in where? I don't know, just inside, like the real me - I'm not my name, I'm not my body, I'm not who or what others think I am, but there's something there I can't quite put my finger on, an essence? - does this even make sense?)
I think what I'm getting at, is that I'd feel less suicidal if I had some answers to a few things.
I'll also add in there that, if I could stop ruminating on things; things from my past, including occurrences, the way I've handled certain things, things I've said, things others have said - having made up scenarios that I don't like pop into my head, only to have to go back over things to do with that scenario or person etc because if I don't, I can't relax andddddd, yeah, told ya, my mind is a bit of a circus.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I know, bad habit, but surely I'm not the only person here that feels like this at the moment?

In short, I need a complete overhaul.

I think you should take that sailing trip… What's there to lose?

 

[MementoMori81]

I think you should take that sailing trip… What's there to lose?

This is true mate. Hey, it's not outside the realm of possibility still, and all things are still on the table for me at the moment.

Although I'd be more tempted to do it on something even smaller than 34ft now. Maybe a Hurley 22 or Sadler 25 - just to really be cocky haha

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

This is true mate. Hey, it's not outside the realm of possibility still, and all things are still on the table for me at the moment.

Although I'd be more tempted to do it on something even smaller than 34ft now. Maybe a Hurley 22 or Sandler 25 - just to really be cocky haha

I was just sailing for six weeks with a friend myself… I was a zombie because of my current life status… But It does make a nice change of scenery

 

[outrider567]

Nothing exists in this world that would change my mind

 

[ornitier199]

Okay that was not true.fk only would pause it for a moment but I'd always be suicidal until I catch that bus. Suicide has always been a part of me.

 

[MementoMori81]

I was just sailing for six weeks with a friend myself… I was a zombie because of my current life status… But It does make a nice change of scenery

Getting out on the water does certainly make for a refreshing change of location. I hope it picked your spirits up some

 

[CatLove56]

Honestly it would just be really cool to go back in time and not make so many dumbass mistakes. I don't have to have a perfect memory but just little key moments that would have made my life better in the long run would be nice. Not quitting a job, standing up to a bully, etc

 

[ShellofmyFormerSelf]

To never have tried making friends with anyone and stayed blissfully unaware... blissfully unharmed...

 

[September5th]

The discovery of time travel... That's about it XD