Discussion What is it like to have depression or being suicidal?

[Yuki K]

What is depression to you guys? How do you feel?

I'm just curious about other people's struggles, problems and current mental health condition/status

 

[jamie_]

existing instead of living

 

[ExistHarm]

trapped. rock and a hard place. the harm has already been done; it would have been better never to have been, and it would be better not to be. and right now, i am in neither of these blissful places, but right in the middle. im not sure im depressed, i was depressed when i still was caught up in the world of pro-lifers telling me horrible things like "ctb is the most selfish thing you can do" or "it will always get better." revolting, creepy, sickening words. life is a struggle and i am just playing the game

 

[Death is my goal]

i don't know how am i feeling, just want to be dead.

 

[borderline-feline]

I can't really speak for how depression feels, as I don't have depression, but I can talk about how my anxiety impacts my desire to die. For me, it's all pain and fear.

I live in constant fear of myself. My OCD loves to gaslight me into believing myself to be the worst thing a person can be. I spend hours on end seeking reassurance that it's the POCD talking and not my actual desires. I obsessively check my body to make sure I'm not enjoying certain mental images. I can't even watch live-action movies or TV shows. I block anyone on social media who talks about Stranger Things because that show is particularly bad for my intrusive thoughts.

Not only am I afraid of myself, but I'm also afraid of losing people. I know for a fact that if my favorite person abandoned me, then I would get the shotgun out of the garage. On a conscious level, I know that he loves me and that he'd never leave me, but I live in constant fear that he'll leave. That's a result of the BPD. One of the biggest issues with BPD is that it causes people to go to drastic lengths to avoid being abandoned, but those lengths often involve pushing people away. I lost my last favorite person because I lied to him about some things to keep him from leaving and I ruined his reputation (unintentionally), which pushed him later on to attempt suicide.

I want the pain to be gone, but I also feel like I don't deserve to exist. Existence is both an undue gift and a torturous punishment. Kind of ironic in a poetic way if you ask me. I want to die, but I'm not allowed to because I don't have permission to die.

 

[BillyBob]

Trapped in side ones own head with no escape from it where everyone judges and does not believe anything you are telling them since you can not see depression like most sicknesses.

 

[ExistHarm]

I can't really speak for how depression feels, as I don't have depression, but I can talk about how my anxiety impacts my desire to die. For me, it's all pain and fear.

I live in constant fear of myself. My OCD loves to gaslight me into believing myself to be the worst thing a person can be. I spend hours on end seeking reassurance that it's the POCD talking and not my actual desires. I obsessively check my body to make sure I'm not enjoying certain mental images. I can't even watch live-action movies or TV shows. I block anyone on social media who talks about Stranger Things because that show is particularly bad for my intrusive thoughts.

Not only am I afraid of myself, but I'm also afraid of losing people. I know for a fact that if my favorite person abandoned me, then I would get the shotgun out of the garage. On a conscious level, I know that he loves me and that he'd never leave me, but I live in constant fear that he'll leave. That's a result of the BPD. One of the biggest issues with BPD is that it causes people to go to drastic lengths to avoid being abandoned, but those lengths often involve pushing people away. I lost my last favorite person because I lied to him about some things to keep him from leaving and I ruined his reputation (unintentionally), which pushed him later on to attempt suicide.

I want the pain to be gone, but I also feel like I don't deserve to exist. Existence is both an undue gift and a torturous punishment. Kind of ironic in a poetic way if you ask me. I want to die, but I'm not allowed to because I don't have permission to die.

i feel your pain. i also have what i imagine is undiagnosed BPD and it is an exquisite hell; i have never really felt safe in my own mind, i abandon and hurt people and myself, and i really just don't feel comfortable being a human being. what helps me is knowing that life is an imposition; a gift is something you can refuse to accept, give back, or easily throw away. life is not a gift. i am afraid of what i have done in the past, and what i might do to myself in the future; thankfully i refuse to subject my own pain onto anyone else. hopefully, it will be over sooner rather than later

 

[RenMei]

With random negative thoughts spiraling inside your mind, it feels like a vertiginous infinity.

 

[Sparr0w]

i have more suicidal ideation than depression tbh, i honestly don't know which specific lil thing is behind it but i have a hard time actually getting shit (schoolwork) done... and i hate failing at things and disappointing people, making me feel like shit.

but apart from that, there are little things that cheer me up like getting myself a treat or drawing something i find funny... and then when anything bad happens my brain goes "you should kill yourself :)" so yknow. fun.

 

[anxious_depressive]

For me depression is like a slab on my chest that prevents me from breathing and my arms and legs are shackled .

The mental feeling is like my head is in a fog.

And many other things that are hard to describe in words.

 

[ukket]

I just hate myself 24/7, cannot stand any part of my life, more i think about it the more i hate myself and become more depressed. its a viscous circle and hopefully CTB soon

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

anhedonia, complete lack of energy or motivation, self-loathing, paralyzed by anxiety, dreading every waking moment because every moment is miserable, wanting desperately to escape everything...

that about sums it up

 

[Lost Magic]

I feel most of the above. Life is just a living hell when you are living with depression and anxiety. I just want to be gone and forgotten.

 

[redisblue]

Like somebody else said, existing instead of living. I'm just here, somewhat invisible and trying to get by. For me, my depression makes me feel both numb and all emotions at once. I feel tired all the time too, it leaves me lying in bed staring at a wall for hours, unable to get up to do basic things such as eating and hygiene. I have no motivation to do anything, even the things that I enjoy. I feel hopeless, like everything I do will fail. I always feel upset when I wake up as I wish I had gone peacefully in my sleep. I'm both physically and emotionally in pain; it never ends. Sometimes, there are good days, but there are more bad days than good. I wish somebody would notice my pain, yet at the same time I don't. My depression has gotten so bad that at times I feel comfort in it. In short, MDD (major depressive disorder) that's left me with suicidal ideation.

 

[WhyIsThisSoHard]

I don't feel, like almost nothing.
Last week my mom called and said that 3 family members died, my aunt and my 2 cousins. I was very close with them. I asked:"Anything else?", nope.
So I hung up and got back to sleep, in the middle of the day.
Can't get myself to do anything, not even feel.
I guess it's different for everyone and hard to explain.

 

[outrider567]

Not appreciating things anymore, not looking forward to anything anymore, tears in the eyes thinking of her, not being able to listen to music anymore, the words 'being happy' don't exist, not taking any trips anymore, tons of films I can't watch anymore

 

[d3c96524be95]

I don't even know what depression is anymore. I'm not sure it's even a thing. I'm just tired of everything. I feel like my life is over, I have no future, no expectations, no will, no ambition, no emotion. I am empty, exhausted, I've done everything I had to do and there's nothing next. I want to die, but even that requires some level of dedication and will which seems out of reach.

 

[Fwompje]

For me it's like trying to climb a ladder with just your hands, holding on to each part to slowly get to the top only for my hands to slip and end right at the bottom again. It's so hard to hold on, so easy to let go yet so hard to climb up.

 

[Mimi_]

I find myself mostly neutral with highs and lows. I would be satisfied with all manner of situations: if I die tomorrow, I will accept it, if I live a long life, I will accept it. In any case it will all comes to an end someday, and I am not in enough pain to fear living. But what I care about is not being a burden to other or disappoint them.
I feel as though I cannot live in society. I'm willing to work, but I am expecting a lot more. Too much socializing and working wears me easily. I just end up exhausted to the point I can't leave the bed. It feels like I was born a failure.
I wish I could appreciate simple human connection, take care of others, embrace somebody, spend the day shopping with my friend, go eat with my relative.. But I'm barely connected to anyone, I don't even know how it feels to be invited for a birthday party. I'm just lonely and incapable of sharing anything with anybody. I'm nothing more than a burden on my family. That's why I would be better off dead

 

[skylarwhiteyo104781]

What is depression to you guys? How do you feel?

I'm just curious about other people's struggles, problems and current mental health condition/status

No matter what everything ends up the way it always is.

 

[cogmachine]

anxiety over future that leads into suicidal ideation. always saw it as an escape from it all.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, wanting to die is just the natural response to me existing here in this world. I view existence as being something harmful and not worth enduring, there is no benefit to being conscious and aware in this unpredictable world where chance cruelly determines everything. I view existing as being something tedious, existing just doesn't appeal to me and I simply don't want to suffer in any way. For me none of this is an "illness", the problem lies in life itself and I find simply just being awake to be something that is undesirable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not even sure I have depression. I know I've felt worse than I do now in terms of being unhappy. Ideation is also normal for me. I've had it for 33 years. It's only terrible because I feel like I can't CTB at the moment- plus- I'm scared of doing it as well.

For me- it's this intense frustration and resentment that I have this life to begin with. It's SO difficult to just get through life and it's going to be REALLY difficult to get rid of my life too- I REALLY don't understand why people have children. On the other hand though- I know it's not exactly my parents 'fault'- they weren't to know it would all turn out like this.

For me- I'm just SO tired of life. I simply don't want to keep on trying and fighting simply because it would upset other people if I CTB. I'm just so sick of it all.

 

[m1dN_ight]

In my case, wanting to die is just the natural response to me existing here in this world. I view existence as being something harmful and not worth enduring, there is no benefit to being conscious and aware in this unpredictable world where chance cruelly determines everything. I view existing as being something tedious, existing just doesn't appeal to me and I simply don't want to suffer in any way. For me none of this is an "illness", the problem lies in life itself and I find simply just being awake to be something that is undesirable.

Oh look, a Cluster B Personality Disorder lmao

Putting philosophy surrounding suicide aside, having active (I am going to kill myself) or passive (living is undesirable) thoughts of suicide is not normal. It's an illness regardless of how you see it.

 

[Ernest1964]

Depression is like a hunger that never seems to be filled. No matter what is consumed the uselessness of living seems paramount. What ever you do just does not satiate the emptiness inside. People try to fill that emptiness with food, sex, drugs, work, relationships, and on and on but nothing seems to fulfill that hunger.

Ernest

 

[RichardFirst]

anhedonia, complete lack of energy or motivation, self-loathing, paralyzed by anxiety, dreading every waking moment because every moment is miserable, wanting desperately to escape everything...

that about sums it up

This is a very good description of depression.

For me, I feel a constant sense that reality is not quite "real". I'd liken it to what one feels when they realise that they are in a horrible situation in a dream before waking. The difference is, I cannot wake up.

 

[Dolphin55]

Like playing a game where you are always stuck on the same level. You cannot progress, all you can do is replay the same level over and over, gradually growing ever more sick of it. The quit button is broken. You try to enjoy playing the parts of the level to pass the time, but it all feels ever more pointless and mind-numbing. You can see that other players have been able to progress and are making their way through the rest of the game, they seem to be enjoying themselves - but you can't reach them.
You're stuck.

 

[SunnysSunset]

Like you're bored and there's nothing to do.

 

[Kasumi]

The two most prominent symptoms for me are the exhaustion and this kind of pressure around my head.
It doesn't hurt so its difficult to compare to a headache, it's more like something is trying to crush my head from all sides.
And I want to say exhaustion rather than tiredness, even though it's similar, but it doesn't feel like I need sleep, rather it feels like after a long day of work, except it's completely free, no work required :)
It's like my entire body is screaming that it wants to rest.

Sort of related to being exhausted, I feel like I have no energy, or rather every thing I do takes like 5x the effort, even something like going to the bathroom to brush my teeth is seriously exhausting to me.
Not physically, but it's like it.. well like you've already had a long day and then still need to keep going, even if it wasn't a marathon run so your physical shape is still good, it still feels exhausting cause you're generally exhausted.

I don't feel tired given I get enough sleep, but that doesn't affect me being exhausted.
I do tend to have more energy for a few hours after getting up though.
And I also need more sleep, if I get about 10h a day I'm not tired, but it might take me another hour to get out of bed in the morning cause I feel very dizzy and like I don't have the strength to get up in the morning.
I can if I need to get up f.e. if I need to use the bathroom., but when I don't need to, even when I really want to get up cause I'm hungry f.e, then it takes a while.
Generally it's not unusual for me to spend 11-12h in bed each day.

Any activity, no matter how much I like it normally sort of becomes a drag after a while.
I can only play games for an hour or two depending on the game before I start to feel very exhausted.
I can read for a few hours before it becomes difficult to follow the words and make sense of things.

Occasionally it feels like I just can't stay up anymore and things sort of intensify for a few minutes.
I can't really see / think the things in front of me anymore, anything I've just been thinking about or been doing disappears and it actually feels like my mind is getting crushed from every side.
And it's difficult to breathe too, as it feels like all the air is getting pushed out of my lungs too. I generally just cramp up and shake, not being able to think anything clearly.
It's not that bad though as sometimes some other things appear on my mind, things that are related to the causes of those things, things that I otherwise can't recall clearly or that normally just drown among other memories so I'd never be able to find them and recognise them.
So it helps clearing things up.

 

[Ozi]

What is depression to you guys? How do you feel?

I'm just curious about other people's struggles, problems and current mental health condition/status

not feeling like going through the effort of living