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What is holding you back?
Thread starterIfyouareamanWinston
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For me its wanting to finish the two novels I am working on. tbh if I complete the first one that like 2/3rd done I might say fuck it. Writing is so fucking difficult when you have almost zero good days in a month and then you are working half the time anyway. For me my peak time is 11-3 pm or 10-12 pm and both those times are not good for me due to my job
I really want to finish what I am working on though before I ctb. I think maybe its just cope to keep hanging on cause in the back of my mind I think, if 1 more thing goes wrong fuck the novel I'm buying a gun. Other days I just think, leave one thing behind before you go...
I'm asking myself that question right now. I've got three sure-fire methods within arms' reach... I don't know if it's just so much self-hate that I think I don't deserve an end, or so much loathing for others that I just want to stick around long enough to really make them suffer. Good lord, what a twisted mental space I'm in.
SI, fear of any lasting damage if I fail, financial cost of materials, and getting sent to the psych ward if I fail (financial concerns for that as well). Mostly SI though… I hadn't realized just how strong it would be until I did some experiments. Makes it seem like I'll be stuck suffering, but not enough to ctb. Just in a weird limbo where I'm not really functional and can't get better but unable to take action.
I would destroy the life of my mother and my children.
Regardless of this, it was also incredibly difficult to overcome the instinct of self-preservation in the past.
It is final, every chance gone forever. You can't just try again. And I am afraid of dying. Afraid of being alone, afraid of being in pain. Actually I want to live, but not with this permanent depression.
People constantly around me because they all know it's coming but when is the question to them.
I cannot get away from anyone that's what's holding me back they follow me like a bad smell family/friends and friends of friends I'm always flipping watched. It's that bad that I have to delete my history from my phone and hide everything I Google about CBT be it this site or other sites.
I will get there I know my sweet spot I know exactly where to put it so it's strong know one knows only me and it will work if I got like 1hr free from everyone.
My last and only options are train or jump both ways I definitely do not want to go to. I don't want to scar everyone else for what I want it's not fair on them on their lives!
Oh and I'm bloody 34 years of age an being watched like a 5yr old
For me its wanting to finish the two novels I am working on. tbh if I complete the first one that like 2/3rd done I might say fuck it. Writing is so fucking difficult when you have almost zero good days in a month and then you are working half the time anyway. For me my peak time is 11-3 pm or 10-12 pm and both those times are not good for me due to my job
I really want to finish what I am working on though before I ctb. I think maybe its just cope to keep hanging on cause in the back of my mind I think, if 1 more thing goes wrong fuck the novel I'm buying a gun. Other days I just think, leave one thing behind before you go...
For me it is a really intangible, vague thing that I'll call "completeness". I first need to secure my method, and once I have that, I need to write my goodbyes. I have a few I am struggling with what to say because I feel really heartbroken about the loss of those chapters of my life with those people, like friends and lovers before I got chronically ill and I saw a life of possibility with them. Feels like I need to grieve that more? I am hoping I will find some sense of closure and then I can go. I'm in extreme physical chronic pain and discomfort so on that front I feel it's very much clear it's time to retire this "flesh vehicle" lol. But I'm afraid to go before I feel like I've found peace and certainty because I've got a fear of hanging around being an unsettled spirit if I'm not really clear that I'm done. Even though that seems totally silly to me at the same time because I don't particularly believe in anything supernatural, i just don't rule it out, I don't know if that makes sense…I know I'll never feel like this perfect blissful state about ctb but I hope to feel like I've shut down the blinds and locked up shop, so to speak.
For me its wanting to finish the two novels I am working on. tbh if I complete the first one that like 2/3rd done I might say fuck it. Writing is so fucking difficult when you have almost zero good days in a month and then you are working half the time anyway. For me my peak time is 11-3 pm or 10-12 pm and both those times are not good for me due to my job
I really want to finish what I am working on though before I ctb. I think maybe its just cope to keep hanging on cause in the back of my mind I think, if 1 more thing goes wrong fuck the novel I'm buying a gun. Other days I just think, leave one thing behind before you go...
Limited mobility and understanding how to do partial hanging. I have a million pills but know they won't do anything but make me sick. I need out fire to SEVERE CHRONIC PAIN!
Probably the fear of failing again and the aftermath of it. If I knew I definitely wouldn't have to deal with the consequences I'd go now but previous attempts have ruined so much for me, caused chronic pain and ptsd
A sliver of hope is still left or that's just SI making shit up. I already made sure that no one will be affected in any way but psychological when I die so at least I won't be held back because someone might go through financial hardships when I'm gone.
My dog and family. My fear of death and the unknown is still present, but not as strong as I try to frame death as a natural part of life. Being a part of SS and having these discussions helps calm my anxiety. Thank you all for that.
My cats, fear of failure and leaving my flatmate after signing the lease recently. I'll stay around for a while, but already told them and my friends about being suicidal, so that they're more mentally prepared. Even though it doesn't appear they took it seriously, which saddens me a little. I wanted to spend more time with them before I ctb. I hope they'll forgive me, I'm already struggling to do this any longer.
My brother getting near the end from lung cancer--Platelets(normal is 150,000) just collapsed from 28,000 to 7,000(despite getting platelet infusion 4 days ago) and his White blood cell count collapsed from 6.3 to1.9--Also has Thrush, he can hardly talk, he's also lost 17 lbs in 10 days--He's in the ER getting another platelet infusion--His chemo treatments may end because of platelet destruction--he's still smoking--may soon need to go see him, he's 800 miles away
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Per Ardua Ad Astra, IfyouareamanWinston and Lavender Dreams
First time here but long time advocate. I've been back and forth with the decision for way to long..20 plus years!! But, my sister passed a few years back and my mom would have been left with no one if I left before. I just bought her a cat and moved her into an assisted living place, where she already has many new friends she shops with everyday and even a new man friend she likes hanging with and watching tv shows. I guess that is why I'm here now. She has support and distractions now and I just can't anymore. And I wrote a list of 30 plus reasons of why I shouldnt be made to stay, in hopes she can be understanding to what I'm going through everyday. I've been living in my car for the past year, as to not have to interact with people because they destroy people like me, and it's fun to them. I was able to stay at a job long enough to collect unemployment for 6 months last year, which is a feat in itself, so I traveled to Floria, Colorado, Arkansas and most of the Midwest. Let's just say being homeless is just more pain, reminding yiu yiur all alone. I do work now, but weeks at a time and months apart. Quit, find another job until people realize I'm not opening up to them or that I'm homeless and it bothers them and they treat me accordIngly. My mind is just too twisted from reality to do "normal everyday things" like others. I haven't even dated in 7 years. My ex cheated on me in St, Lucia on a destination wedding, with one of the locals. And I was suicidal way before that and things still haven't gotten better, and that's the problem! And I've been fighting for years but it always leads back to broken, anxiety, who cares, what's the use, I want to die, no one can help me or cares to, etc. I'm either going to hurt someone by the way I am or they will hurt me. No in-betweens I'm afraid. At least not in my experiences. By me hurting them, I mean more along the lines of..(being too sensative from being in pain all the time, being a disappointment, feeeling non-deserving of love, being emotionally absent some of the time, etc.) With this, I feel like many of us are very sensitive! Pushing others away is my superpower and my defense mechanism and I don't care to change it. I'm a good person with good values and people can be so cruel to sensitive, caring people. I'm an Empath. Im not sure how I will accomplish this but I do know when..ASAP! Any ideas and How would help.
My brother getting near the end from lung cancer--Platelets(normal is 150,000) just collapsed from 28,000 to 7,000(despite getting platelet infusion 4 days ago) and his White blood cell count collapsed from 6.3 to1.9--Also has Thrush, he can hardly talk, he's also lost 17 lbs in 10 days--He's in the ER getting another platelet infusion--His chemo treatments may end because of platelet destruction--he's still smoking--may soon need to go see him, he's 800 miles away
Honestly, I'm terrified of actually waking up.
I've almost accidentally died so many times in my life
1. High speed motorcycle accident that resulted in a serious concussion
2. Falling asleep on a pillow soaked with "poppers".
3. Actual fatal levels of alcohol poisoning
4. Overdoing it on every pharmaceutical imaginable.
5. Multiple near-accidental drownings in my lifetime
NOTHING has done me in yet, and it's truly dissapointing at this point in my life.
I'm starting to feel like the human equivalent of a cockroach.
The idea of my mother finding me or getting that initial call of what happened. I also don't want her viewed as the oh look it's so and so did you know her son killed himself by doing this or whatever the hell they'd say. She's too sweet of woman to place that label on her the rest of her life. My dog is my only friend so she needs me just as much I need her.
Honestly I think its just fear, but thats stemming from a lot of different things
Fear that Ill mess up and make my life worse as a result, fear that Ill succeed and something worse will be on the other end, fear that itll be a painful and slow way out, fear that Ive been wrong this whole time and someone really *would* miss me- I never want to hurt someone like that
And theres the fear that Ill be missing so many opportunities to actually be happy if I do go through with it
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