First time here but long time advocate. I've been back and forth with the decision for way to long..20 plus years!! But, my sister passed a few years back and my mom would have been left with no one if I left before. I just bought her a cat and moved her into an assisted living place, where she already has many new friends she shops with everyday and even a new man friend she likes hanging with and watching tv shows. I guess that is why I'm here now. She has support and distractions now and I just can't anymore. And I wrote a list of 30 plus reasons of why I shouldnt be made to stay, in hopes she can be understanding to what I'm going through everyday. I've been living in my car for the past year, as to not have to interact with people because they destroy people like me, and it's fun to them. I was able to stay at a job long enough to collect unemployment for 6 months last year, which is a feat in itself, so I traveled to Floria, Colorado, Arkansas and most of the Midwest. Let's just say being homeless is just more pain, reminding yiu yiur all alone. I do work now, but weeks at a time and months apart. Quit, find another job until people realize I'm not opening up to them or that I'm homeless and it bothers them and they treat me accordIngly. My mind is just too twisted from reality to do "normal everyday things" like others. I haven't even dated in 7 years. My ex cheated on me in St, Lucia on a destination wedding, with one of the locals. And I was suicidal way before that and things still haven't gotten better, and that's the problem! And I've been fighting for years but it always leads back to broken, anxiety, who cares, what's the use, I want to die, no one can help me or cares to, etc. I'm either going to hurt someone by the way I am or they will hurt me. No in-betweens I'm afraid. At least not in my experiences. By me hurting them, I mean more along the lines of..(being too sensative from being in pain all the time, being a disappointment, feeeling non-deserving of love, being emotionally absent some of the time, etc.) With this, I feel like many of us are very sensitive! Pushing others away is my superpower and my defense mechanism and I don't care to change it. I'm a good person with good values and people can be so cruel to sensitive, caring people. I'm an Empath. Im not sure how I will accomplish this but I do know when..ASAP! Any ideas and How would help.
My brother getting near the end from lung cancer--Platelets(normal is 150,000) just collapsed from 28,000 to 7,000(despite getting platelet infusion 4 days ago) and his White blood cell count collapsed from 6.3 to1.9--Also has Thrush, he can hardly talk, he's also lost 17 lbs in 10 days--He's in the ER getting another platelet infusion--His chemo treatments may end because of platelet destruction--he's still smoking--may soon need to go see him, he's 800 miles away
Praying for him my friend!!
