What is holding you back?

[meant2b]

Honestly just finding a method that's accessible and certain. There's nothing really holding me back. Just don't want to suffer further or wake up in a worse condition.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The only thing holding me back is completing a few tasks (not writing novels) that I feel I need to before I ctb. You know, just tidying up things and getting things in order. Other than that, there is nothing holding me back. As soon as I feel I've done enough, that will be it. It could come at any time. I can quit whenever I want, or when I get tired of doing anything. That's sort of liberating in and of itself. I still have a couple things I need to do to get my method protocol all sorted, too, as I have said in posts, previously, and then post my results. I will do that before I go because I need to know for myself, too, to guarantee success. It's not hope holding me back, as that has gone quite some time ago. Just need to carry my plan to fruition and bring it all together.

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

There's actually quite a few things in life that I'd like to do still, but unfortunately never will even if I didn't ctb. I'm in a position in life that makes me unhirable. My emotional problems have caused me to quit quite a few jobs on the spot so most employers just toss out my resume. I'm an easy target to be bullied and a lot of people take advantage of it. Even as an adult. I didn't really think life was going to be like this once I grew up. But there's so many things I'd like to do if I could just save up the money to do it. And manage to meet some nice people who don't want to hurt me. I keep imagining what life could be like if I got there one day and it makes me want to keep trying. But I keep failing, and finding more and more problems. I feel like everything has gone quite dim in the last few years, and the bus sounds like a much better place for me to be. The way my life has gone, I don't really think I was destined to make it this far anyway.

 

[Codependent loner]

My son, would be the respectable answer. His father killed himself nearly 2 years ago. What kind of mother would do that to their only child. My son will be 27 this month. In truth it's fear! Fear of failure what if I attempt leaving and I screw it up and end up more screwed up than I already am, fear of the damage it would do to my son to have both parents give up. Fear because I'm isolated and alone (even though I have a partner of 18 years) my dog would need to eat me to survive till someone comes around. Fear that I try, fail, and be that person people pity.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I lack the guts. That's it.

That's one thing that scares me too. I suffer but I don't want to choose a method that will make me suffer too

 

[BlazingBob]

Dogs. They're old though so I shouldn't have to wait much longer, not like I'm actually looking forward to it. What I'm looking forward to is divorcing my failing body and screwed up brain. Being alive is fucking torture. I'm just too exhausted and in too much pain

 

[makethepainstop]

People even scam us at our lowest. This is so fucked.

Almost nothing is holding me back now.

Before it was my brother,. He could never deal with other's emotions and handles his own by either ignoring issues or getting angry. After he found out I had been calling off work and saw me getting distant due to my MDD, he went the ignoring route and just doesn't interact with me. Don't think he has any idea I've been off work for weeks (or again, just chooses to ignore it). With the way my home is set up, he doesn't even have to ineract with me unless he chooses to (he and I l share a place) and it's been nearly 2 weeks since he has spoken a word to me.

Finally accepting that my own brother won't help me in a meaningful, loving way was the biggest hurtle passed. It was hard at first to get past, but I'm finally over it. I don't have anyone super close besides him. A few people reach out but all they are just work friends and would just off "hope you are well soon" and that's it," nothing as impactful as my brother would be if he just asked if I was OK. But that isn't happening and I'm glad, as it is letting me finally let go.

Right now, what's holding me back is the AE for my SN setup. Slowly getting everything now. Went from what felt like was impossible to get to now having my entire shopping list for SN. Attempted earlier in the week but since I didn't have the AE and was doing it at home, I was worried it and backed off last minute. Hopefully the AE will be in on Friday.

Once its here, I'll book to hotel and train ride out of state, clean up some last minute to-dos (mainly just wiping some computer so my brother doesn't play detective), then grab my favorite video games, film and food to relax before I ctb.

Sorry, I always thought having a brother would be the coolest thing in the universe! Baby sisters not so cool at all. Guess I'm wrong, but,like so many other things I didn't get, a brother just wasn't in the cards.

 

[Kari]

I promised my girlfriend I'd try to keep myself safe considering she mentioned wanting to join me if I went… I suppose the idea of a future with her is a nice thing to think about and work towards but part of me just doesn't want to even risk being hurt again. I still want it over, I still want to die.

 

[NightNight20]

My mom

 

[Alayna]

Too many of us suffer the same.

Over here - my mom and sister (who would then have lost three children/siblings respectively). It's probably not the only reason but it's all I think of when the worst feelings set in. And that breeds resentment towards them for "forcing" me to be alive and poisons our relationship which makes me feel guilty and therefore want to die even more.

Not fun living for others.

 

[marcy2022]

I don't have access to most of the materials such as SN or N. I only have access to T and I've failed before with T. Not sure how that happened. My best guess is bad quality products or idk. Dosage and timing was right but somehow I've failed. I've the same stuff from a different country but no way to test it and trying again with the same thing scares me. I don't want to fail and become a vegetable or worse. I just want to leave.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm not good at getting out of bed and I can't CTB in my family's house. I am also not sure of method - as I have lost an ingredient for the Ami method, jumping off a river bridge is probably painful (though tempting) and hanging/partial I am not sure about. Night night would be an amazing method but not sure I can make it work. I like the CO method but I am not technical enough or together enough to get it together. That kind of leaves drowning in a bathtub (if I'm lucky) which needs me to book a hotel with a bathtub.

I'm in bed with constant suiicdal thoughts unless I give myself drugs. The other option is to get more drugs that get me out of bed: Modafinil, Tramadol, weed and put them on a rota. I can stay alive like that for a while. I'm not sure what the point is and even this requires motivation to just be able to order the pills online etc when I have busted my finances and need to sort out my bank accounts.

I have another doctor's appointment, but it will be so long to see a psychiatrist, then the torture of trying another medication.

Even my drug dealer is like 2 or 3 hours away and kind of involves me needing to hook up with someone. While depressed and demotivated and not able to travel.

 

[LesbianCarpetPython]

Scared to be honest. I have what I need right here but it's the fact it ends

 

[LittleJem]

I don't have access to most of the materials such as SN or N. I only have access to T and I've failed before with T. Not sure how that happened. My best guess is bad quality products or idk. Dosage and timing was right but somehow I've failed. I've the same stuff from a different country but no way to test it and trying again with the same thing scares me. I don't want to fail and become a vegetable or worse. I just want to leave.

what is t? Is that tourniquet method?

 

[marcy2022]

Thiopental

 

[evolutionerror]

SI mostly

 

[StolenLife]

Lack of SN, psych ward, lack of independence, controlling parents.

 

[Darkover]

lack of peaceful method if N was readily available i'd be gone a long time ago, just got to wait into i get paid next month to get a gram of herion to overdoes on provided i can find someone who sells it

 

[achromatic]

Not having SN yet, living with parents- I don't want them to find my body- fear of failure and fear of SI kicking in in last moment. Guilt. Small bit of irrational hope that things may improve.

 

[outrider567]

Day is getting closer for me, since my brother's cancer continues to spread, now in his bones and spine and brain--Third chemo drug try today, but doubt he'll make it to Christmas--50 years of smoking is destroying him

Honestly just finding a method that's accessible and certain. There's nothing really holding me back. Just don't want to suffer further or wake up in a worse condition.

Agree,that's why I chose Nitrogen

 

[turtlegurll]

My mother and sister. They both love me deeply. I fear the aftermath of what would happen when I'm gone. All the pain I'd cause.

My own pain is overpowering that feeling constantly though. It's only a matter of time.

I also hold on my delusional hope sometimes.

 

[whywere]

My mother and sister. They both love me deeply. I fear the aftermath of what would happen when I'm gone. All the pain I'd cause.

My own pain is overpowering that feeling constantly though. It's only a matter of time.

I also hold on my delusional hope sometimes.

HI!

You are a very heartwarming soul! Reading your post about your mom and sister is so beautiful! Just with that sentence it shows how loving, caring and kind you are.

Of course, we all make our own decisions and I, at 66 plus years old with crappy 24/7 chronic pain know that better than almost anyone, but you make me want to fight another day, thinking of love and caring and kindness.

Always around if you want too pm me.

Sending you lots of beautiful blue skies and tones of hugs and caring.

Walter

 

[sourly]

My parents. sister not being in a stable position right now, I do not want my sister to ruin her life because of me ending my own, my brother is in a stable position so my suicide would not affect him as much and would still be able to carry on. It's an extremely difficult situation no matter how much i want out It's just not worth hurting everyone right now, i of course wish i could disappear without ever existing but that's impossible, I'll eventually have an opportunity and will hopefully reduce the pain for everyone even It's just a small amount.

 

[fiasco]

My family and failing my attempt. If I fail, I might end up in a worse situation than I am in now

 

[R. A.]

An awful mix of fear, hope, and knowledge.

Fear of failing an attempt, ending up somehow worse off, dying alone, changing my mind at the last minute (or a minute too late), etc...hope that things will get better because I see what so many people here are struggling with and sometimes think my issues would, to them, be totally manageable and thus I should get my ass in gear and live. And knowledge that all things considered, I know I would at least be much less suicidal if a few basic, non-extravagant needs I currently have were actually met. It seems so fucking miserable to kill yourself because you are chronically in just kind of poor health when you can't even get goddamn seen by the specialists you need, are despairingly isolated despite living in a city of millions of humans and in a house with three others, and you actually have a good number of skills and potential, and (former) interests.

It's been hell as things have been slowly degrading over the course of this year but perhaps it's all necessary in order for me to get to the point to finally go through with it. That it all seems so easily amendable is just heartbreaking.

 

[Sad_Sack]

My wife and kids and the fear of nothingness.

 

[heavyeyes]

Fear of failure and lack of SN. I feel like I'm on life support and I have to figure out how to pull the plug.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Inertia

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Guilt of what will happen to my family after I die. However, I cannot keep living. It's too unbearable.

 

[Willto]

The fear of failure. The fear of pain.