What is holding you back?

[IfyouareamanWinston]

For me its wanting to finish the two novels I am working on. tbh if I complete the first one that like 2/3rd done I might say fuck it. Writing is so fucking difficult when you have almost zero good days in a month and then you are working half the time anyway. For me my peak time is 11-3 pm or 10-12 pm and both those times are not good for me due to my job

I really want to finish what I am working on though before I ctb. I think maybe its just cope to keep hanging on cause in the back of my mind I think, if 1 more thing goes wrong fuck the novel I'm buying a gun. Other days I just think, leave one thing behind before you go...

 

[almaranthine]

3 family members. Mother and two uncles. My father is still alive but we aren't close and he would not be emotionally affected because he didn't raise me nor has he spent any significant amount of time with me. My mom is a very lonely person. She doesn't speak with her siblings, doesn't have any close friends, nor does she have any other kids or a significant other. She has worked tirelessly my whole life in an unforgiving retail job and while she has managed to afford things I could never hope to, she says she will not be able to retire for some time or ever. I feel bad for her honestly. If she was an easier person to live with and didn't have the mental issues she has, life would have been very different for me and her. I've lived with her multiple different times throughout my financially cursed fucking adult life, and it has always ended in her hating me, throwing me out of her home, some time passing by, and then her trying to reconnect with me again. My uncles on the other hand are not a fan of my mom, but have tried to help me financially and be supportive of me throughout my life despite not really understanding me or knowing me deeply as a person. This of course had always caused me issues with my mom because she resents them for helping me but not really caring about her. Idk... knowing my death will affect these people and how they will argue with each other and dispute after I'm gone gets to me. On the other hand, the idea of having to cope with all of their deaths and reach their age is absolutely incomprehensible to me. I couldn't deal with it. I have to make my decision soon as my lease will run out in a couple months and my money is almost all gone and I haven't been able to work. On a creative note, I had wanted to open up an Etsy shop and sell jewelry and other small handcrafted items... it would be nice to have one accomplishment before I died. But even though I made a lot of pieces for the potential "shop" I just don't have the energy any longer to make it happen.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

3 family members. Mother and two uncles. My father is still alive but we aren't close and he would not be emotionally affected because he didn't raise me nor has he spent any significant amount of time with me. My mom is a very lonely person. She doesn't speak with her siblings, doesn't have any close friends, nor does she have any other kids or a significant other. She has worked tirelessly my whole life in an unforgiving retail job and while she has managed to afford things I could never hope to, she says she will not be able to retire for some time or ever. I feel bad for her honestly. If she was an easier person to live with and didn't have the mental issues she has, life would have been very different for me and her. I've lived with her multiple different times throughout my financially cursed fucking adult life, and it has always ended in her hating me, throwing me out of her home, some time passing by, and then her trying to reconnect with me again. My uncles on the other hand are not a fan of my mom, but have tried to help me financially and be supportive of me throughout my life despite not really understanding me or knowing me deeply as a person. This of course had always caused me issues with my mom because she resents them for helping me but not really caring about her. Idk... knowing my death will affect these people and how they will argue with each other and dispute after I'm gone gets to me. On the other hand, the idea of having to cope with all of their deaths and reach their age is absolutely incomprehensible to me. I couldn't deal with it. I have to make my decision soon as my lease will run out in a couple months and my money is almost all gone and I haven't been able to work. On a creative note, I had wanted to open up an Etsy shop and sell jewelry and other small handcrafted items... it would be nice to have one accomplishment before I died. But even though I made a lot of pieces for the potential "shop" I just don't have the energy any longer to make it happen.

I feel you. I have been distancing myself for the last 4-5 years so that people wont be as hurt by my passing. Its hard because being alone just makes you feel worse. When people have tried so hard to help you it can feel bad to do something that will hurt them. Ultimately thought you are beholden to no one but yourself. What they did for you it meant everything and even if you decide to leave it does not lessen the value of what they gave.

 

[almaranthine]

Yeah, I've tried to distance myself as well but eventually they reach out to me. Thank you for your kind words. I would hope that should I die, they don't feel like all their efforts were a "bad investment." In reality, they have kept me here for the past few years. If my family had completely dropped me, I would 100% be dead, not to mention definitely homeless at various times. I wish I could have been a better person that could have thrived based off of their monetary gifts and support, but it is just not possible for me because of my mental issues. Also wanted to say that if you choose to keep working on your novel, I hope you are able to find a convenient and peaceful time to write

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Yeah, I've tried to distance myself as well but eventually they reach out to me. Thank you for your kind words. I would hope that should I die, they don't feel like all their efforts were a "bad investment." In reality, they have kept me here for the past few years. If my family had completely dropped me, I would 100% be dead, not to mention definitely homeless at various times. I wish I could have been a better person that could have thrived based off of their monetary gifts and support, but it is just not possible for me because of my mental issues. Also wanted to say that if you choose to keep working on your novel, I hope you are able to find a convenient and peaceful time to write

Yeah thanks man, I will work on it but I need to wait until my mental is better. Ebb and flow. I hope that the people that have helped me will just know that it was not their fault and there was nothing more that they could have done.

 

[almaranthine]

Yeah thanks man, I will work on it but I need to wait until my mental is better. Ebb and flow. I hope that the people that have helped me will just know that it was not their fault and there was nothing more that they could have done.

Same here. I will try my absolute best to convey that to my relatives in writing and hope that I can convince them with my rhetoric/explanations. I don't want them to feel like they could have saved me... which is why I plan to explain the genuine severity of my mental illness. I still feel like they may fall into the "but if she had only gotten treatment/medication/something she could have lived and been happy!" delusion, but I guess it's better for them to feel like health institutions failed me rather than feel personally accountable.

 

[whywere]

I have SS and my pain doctor. If my pain doctor ever quits seeing me, I will go that day, 100%. I have access to over 200 guns, so that is not a problem ever. The pain is all consuming. So, I guess it is my pain doctor.

Also, everyone here on SS, as this IS my family.

Walter

 

[nootthenoot]

Also, everyone here on SS, as this IS my family.

Man, you've put what I've been thinking for the few days I've been here into the perfect words!

 

[ClownMe]

My dog

 

[universe]

Personally, I don't intend to accomplish anything in particular while waiting for my CTB. I always thought that before CTB I should do lots of things, visit museums, travel, walk, go to restaurants and not end up like a vegetable waiting to die.

But in fact, I realized that I wasn't doing anything in particular and that I was letting myself die slowly. I just want to leave, nothing more I'm holding myself here. I'm waiting to finish my preparation for the CTB, put things in order to finally be released.

 

[makethepainstop]

Whats holding me back? The first time I thought I ordered Sodium Nitrite, what I bought was Sodium Nitrate. The next source I tried accepted payment, then a few days refunded my money, and didn't ship it, and did NOT, respond to my emails about the matter! Now making my THIRD attempt to secure this blessed powder of liberation, SN. So if my original purchase had gone through, and was the real thing......I wouldn't be talking to people here.

 

[Primus]

A bunch of Pre-Orders. And just I want to make sure things will be good after I pass.

 

[Musichater]

I'd like to read your novels, OP, I'm an avid reader after all :)
Do you publish on Kindle?

As for the answer to your question, it's my mother. Even though I quietly blame my parents for 'creating' me, I still love my mom. She understands my struggle and always does her best to support me, as if it's her way to make up for bringing me to existence. She is my only reason for clinging to life despite the sheer reluctance of doing so.

 

[FuneralCry]

Only the fact that actually going through with ctb is difficult for me, of course if it was easier to leave everything behind, I would be already gone. I personally have a fear of ctb failing and just causing me to suffer more and after all we live in this pro suffering world which denies us the option of the more desirable methods and makes suicide so unnecessarily difficult and complicated even know leaving is more rational than choosing to endure this pointless and unpredictable existence where anyone can end up in extreme pain.

 

[BasqueClown]

Being married.
Sounds cliche, but since my only girlfriend was the primary reason for my suicide attempt, I want to recover and try again.
Being lesbian, neurodivergent and depressed sucks a lot, I hope I can find the right woman for me

 

[whywere]

Being married.
Sounds cliche, but since my only girlfriend was the primary reason for my suicide attempt, I want to recover and try again.
Being lesbian, neurodivergent and depressed sucks a lot, I hope I can find the right woman for me

Howdy!

Sending you a lot of caring and love and you will find the perfect soul mate. It may take time but you deserve the best and with you being such a loving and kind soul, any gal would be so lucky.

Walter

 

[Butterfly Moon]

My family and my cat. I worry about what that would do to them. It just sucks living with mental illness and chronic pain. It's difficult to do simple things now which is defeating.

 

[Shivali]

My parents, my dog and the fear of death.

 

[ThereIsNoJustice]

Whats holding me back? The first time I thought I ordered Sodium Nitrite, what I bought was Sodium Nitrate. The next source I tried accepted payment, then a few days refunded my money, and didn't ship it, and did NOT, respond to my emails about the matter! Now making my THIRD attempt to secure this blessed powder of liberation, SN. So if my original purchase had gone through, and was the real thing......I wouldn't be talking to people here.

Yep. Eagerly awaiting for my PMs to be enabled so I can get the info for USA sources to get SN.

 

[willitpass]

failure. if i fail i will probably end up in a residential and back into a guardianship with my father for an indefinite amount of time. i will either die or continue life as it is. failing once again will turn my life into a living hell.

and my cat, she looks upset every time i leave for work and comes running to see me every time i come back. leaving her forever would crush her.

 

[theboy]

fear of failure
fear of the afterlife
cause family pain

 

[greatjustice]

Almost nothing is holding me back now.

Before it was my brother,. He could never deal with other's emotions and handles his own by either ignoring issues or getting angry. After he found out I had been calling off work and saw me getting distant due to my MDD, he went the ignoring route and just doesn't interact with me. Don't think he has any idea I've been off work for weeks (or again, just chooses to ignore it). With the way my home is set up, he doesn't even have to ineract with me unless he chooses to (he and I l share a place) and it's been nearly 2 weeks since he has spoken a word to me.

Finally accepting that my own brother won't help me in a meaningful, loving way was the biggest hurtle passed. It was hard at first to get past, but I'm finally over it. I don't have anyone super close besides him. A few people reach out but all they are just work friends and would just off "hope you are well soon" and that's it," nothing as impactful as my brother would be if he just asked if I was OK. But that isn't happening and I'm glad, as it is letting me finally let go.

Right now, what's holding me back is the AE for my SN setup. Slowly getting everything now. Went from what felt like was impossible to get to now having my entire shopping list for SN. Attempted earlier in the week but since I didn't have the AE and was doing it at home, I was worried it and backed off last minute. Hopefully the AE will be in on Friday.

Once its here, I'll book to hotel and train ride out of state, clean up some last minute to-dos (mainly just wiping some computer so my brother doesn't play detective), then grab my favorite video games, film and food to relax before I ctb.

 

[BlackWednesday]

Very little now. I may try again when I'm in the mood

 

[PickledPepper]

I lack the guts. That's it.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Whats holding me back? The first time I thought I ordered Sodium Nitrite, what I bought was Sodium Nitrate. The next source I tried accepted payment, then a few days refunded my money, and didn't ship it, and did NOT, respond to my emails about the matter! Now making my THIRD attempt to secure this blessed powder of liberation, SN. So if my original purchase had gone through, and was the real thing......I wouldn't be talking to people here.

People even scam us at our lowest. This is so fucked.

 

[lifeORdeath]

It would ruin some family members lives that depend on me and don't deserve it.

And inkling of hope that may be false and a waste of time.

 

[life_goes_on]

I would ruin the lives of my girlfriend and my mother. I don't want them to suffer, regardless of whether I'm around to witness it or not.

 

[outrider567]

My only brother getting radiation treatments for his lung cancer that's spread to his brain--Only has a few months left

 

[farakini]

I'm holding back myself. I chose a date and I wanna honour my commitment to that date….it's just a few days away and I don't have much to do between now and then, so it's frustrating because I really wanna go.

 

[theviewfromhalfway]

Probably the fear of failing again and the aftermath of it. If I knew I definitely wouldn't have to deal with the consequences I'd go now but previous attempts have ruined so much for me, caused chronic pain and ptsd