Hey guys, I know I might seem like a coward. I actually was planning my suicide for the end of the month I ordered briquettes, a tent, a chimney and I even deleted most of my social media and cut ties with many friends.
And then waiting for the date to come I was watching a horror game and it was so scary that it would be unimaginable to live in it, and right after I thought « what makes me think that after dying I won't end up in a scarier place than this horror game? What makes me think that I will be safe? What makes me think that I won't actually suffer more than I do now? » no answers was there in my mind, actually I have no evidence that suicide will help me, I have no proofs that it will be better...
that same week I made multitude nightmares and at some point I was so scared that I couldn't sleep with the light off. I dreamt that I was decapitated but I was still conscious, of a zombie apocalypse, of a red dehydrated monster repeating words, of all my fears...
I'm so mentally unstable that a nightmare is enough to scare me and dissuade me of a plan that I planned since 7 months.
I'm scared to end up in all those horror games that I watched, that I get trapped in my own fears.
So maybe living is actually the best choice that we have, suicide is the biggest gamble that one can do because no one knows if we are in peace after death. And it's a risky gamble because as much as we can think that it's liberating it can also be a infinite nightmare
I'm still fighting as much as before but at least not as much as that character in silent hill or outlast and that is enough to keep me going