Changing my approach

[whyisthesky]

In the past year I've been more open about suicide and my plans/intentions with people in mental health services which meant putting too much pressure on myself. I'd end up failing or backing out and changing the date. It's partly that it's a such big thing, it scares me, I'm scared of doing it at the same time as wanting to and knowing I have to and knowing also that I'll finally have peace. I think I told people because of that fear and this hope that they could do something about what's happening to me, but they can't, and maybe it's also that they shouldn't. It has occurred to me a lot of times that it's something we all know that I need to do and that I'm actually just complicating matters by talking about it when they have to follow their official line out loud.

It's too much to tell people in the hope that it can change anything. In my specific situation it's wrong and it's selfish. It goes completely against the ultimate goal of fixing everything and getting out. And they know I have to. So I'm going to stop sharing that information with them and just lie when they ask.

But I need to say it somewhere. In late August I plan to go into the woods and hang myself. I'm still not sure what to do about being found as I don't want it to be some unsuspecting random person, so I've thought a lot about calling for an ambulance immediately before I do it and telling them where to find me. The problem is that they might find me too soon and the attempt will fail or the person on the phone will keep me talking especially if I'm scared enough. Maybe I'll need to be drunk or something but I don't know how I'll act in that state. I wish I could just go and it wouldn't hurt or negatively affect anyone.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Yes, it's scary to cross that final event horizon. But the risk of getting found is far scarier than anything else, at least to me, and I'd never do anything that could increase that risk. I'd rather do the opposite and go to some remote place in the woods where no one else is likely to go. And if someone eventually finds your body, I can't see what's that bad about it, I mean, going outside in nature or even on the road, there are dead critters all the time, and when they're roadkill then it's a way messier sight to behold. And a human is also just another animal, consisting of the same parts, skin, bones, blood... so I can't see how that's different.

 

[FF777]

i don't know what difficulties you have in your life but if you are scared of the CTB process then that might indicate that deep down you really aren't ready to do this yet.. When your life is bad it seems like it will always be bad.. you don't have the clarity to see life from the future version of your self that has made it past the difficult arc of your life and in to better days and is thankful that you never gave up..

one thing i know though is that your SI (survival instinct) is going to be MUCH more powerful than you anticipate, especially if you are already scared about it.. i actually just lived through a completely traumatic experience of my life just yesterday when i was planning on CTB and i was going to be evicted today, and i was so terrified and i was ready to do my CTB method but I COULD NOT DO IT..... it was SO terrifying that i literally can not do it even though it was as easy as mixing 2 things together and i'm instantly dead (H2S method).. My SI was a billion more times powerfuler than i ever expected.. i rushed to try to get the eviction cancelled and had to hurry and get $1000 from my uncle to pay my rent and have the eviction cancelled at the last minute.. the experience kind of gave me PTSD.. That CTB plan is why i'm even on these forums right now talking with people..

so, my advice to you if you really want to go through with this (i don't think you are ready yet though really) is, first of all you need a way to cancel out of it and having things be able to go back to normal.. what that means is, like don't send a snailmail letter in the mail to your parents because if you are in the woods and decide to cancel then you can't cancel the letter and you will be panicking about your parents receiving the letter when actually you have cancelled your CTB plans now..

or same thing for calling an ambulance.. if your SI makes you cancel then that ambulance is still going to be looking for you and that is going to be not fun trying to explain to them your situation and your parents will find out too..

what i would probably do is use an email service that has the delayed message feature, and schedule an email to be sent to some email addresses and that way you can go back home and cancel it when you cancel your CTB when you finally realize it is much scarier than you thought it would be and you are not actually ready to do this at all.. Or an other option is to hide a letter some where in your room like under pillow or where ever to where your parents will eventually find it after they search around your room after you've been missing for a while.. there might be better/other options i'm not thinking of too.. you might do some more thinking on it and research..

and if you aren't telling the mental health people the truth then you might as well not even go any more (unless your parents are making you i guess), because it is just a waste of your time and money..

love and light..

 

[h3u8e7u]

whatever you decide do not call the cops beforehand they'll just arrest you and throw you in the loony bin. which in many places is worse than prison.