Changing my approach

[whyisthesky]

In the past year I've been more open about suicide and my plans/intentions with people in mental health services which meant putting too much pressure on myself. I'd end up failing or backing out and changing the date. It's partly that it's a such big thing, it scares me, I'm scared of doing it at the same time as wanting to and knowing I have to and knowing also that I'll finally have peace. I think I told people because of that fear and this hope that they could do something about what's happening to me, but they can't, and maybe it's also that they shouldn't. It has occurred to me a lot of times that it's something we all know that I need to do and that I'm actually just complicating matters by talking about it when they have to follow their official line out loud.

It's too much to tell people in the hope that it can change anything. In my specific situation it's wrong and it's selfish. It goes completely against the ultimate goal of fixing everything and getting out. And they know I have to. So I'm going to stop sharing that information with them and just lie when they ask.

But I need to say it somewhere. In late August I plan to go into the woods and hang myself. I'm still not sure what to do about being found as I don't want it to be some unsuspecting random person, so I've thought a lot about calling for an ambulance immediately before I do it and telling them where to find me. The problem is that they might find me too soon and the attempt will fail or the person on the phone will keep me talking especially if I'm scared enough. Maybe I'll need to be drunk or something but I don't know how I'll act in that state. I wish I could just go and it wouldn't hurt or negatively affect anyone.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Yes, it's scary to cross that final event horizon. But the risk of getting found is far scarier than anything else, at least to me, and I'd never do anything that could increase that risk. I'd rather do the opposite and go to some remote place in the woods where no one else is likely to go. And if someone eventually finds your body, I can't see what's that bad about it, I mean, going outside in nature or even on the road, there are dead critters all the time, and when they're roadkill then it's a way messier sight to behold. And a human is also just another animal, consisting of the same parts, skin, bones, blood... so I can't see how that's different.