Discussion WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK

[Erase.myself]

I believe our parents is the main reason for holding, I know for me. There is one thing that will send me over, where I'll have no choice.

I hear you on that for sure. It's quite a battle. I was able to see my mom yesterday and give her one last hug and started sobbing and said goodbye. This will hopefully be the last hug she gets from me..I feel like now that I've done that, I've made more peace with my decision to ctb. I realize that I cannot keep living for others. It's too painful. I am 100% ready to go .

That being said, the only thing holding me back now...is a safe place to CTB where I wouldn't get caught.

 

[niloc]

I don't know. It's almost like some force freezes me when I'm in the position. I've made it so I've got to make maybe a 2 second move and pull a trigger and I can't.

 

[rebelsue]

Fuckin' hope, man. That dirty bastard hope, that keeps untying the knot, putting down the poison, and talking me out of it.

Maybe that's just survival instinct. Sometimes it feels like maybe things might get better, but I know they won't. If they were going to, they would have by now. I'd be seeing some evidence.

 

[serah]

That I will fuck up and fail the attempt. I wouldn't want to survive and be found by my family or end up brain damaged. The uncertainty of not knowing whether I will be successful or not is what holds me back.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm not sure why I'm still around. My life really is terrible. There's literally nothing good about it. It's basically over. I'm having lots of suicidal ideation. I'm basically alone most days. Like totally almost. I go into a dissociated state most of the day.

 

[plough22]

Fuckin' hope, man. That dirty bastard hope, that keeps untying the knot, putting down the poison, and talking me out of it.

Maybe that's just survival instinct. Sometimes it feels like maybe things might get better, but I know they won't. If they were going to, they would have by now. I'd be seeing some evidence.

Yes HOPE that things will get better. I'm finding it hard each morning, I can't continue living like this.

I'm not sure why I'm still around. My life really is terrible. There's literally nothing good about it. It's basically over. I'm having lots of suicidal ideation. I'm basically alone most days. Like totally almost. I go into a dissociated state most of the day.

I feel your pain

 

[RayoSinSol]

My partner (romantic, not suicidal) found out about my plans a few days ago, and, surprisingly and thankfully, isn't fully trying to stop me, but is also trying his best to coerce me into reconsidering.

My heart and mind are fucking breaking into a million different conflicting fragments right now. I wish this process could have gone more smoothly. But I still think dying is my best option; I really do just feel too broken and too out of options at this point.

I just need to be away from him for a while so I can get shit done. Everything's fucked up now and this process is so much more emotionally exhausting than I wanted it to be. Even more reason I just can't wait to finally get back to sleep as soon as possible.

Why did my parents have to interrupt my sleep?!

 

[AintNoWayOut]

lack of a reliable method, high inhibition, fear of failure, the tiniest sliver of hope (which would basically be a miracle), thinking of family, denial of my situation, etc

 

[victoria91]

My children mainly but even then I know that they would be looked after.

My 3 month old may need surgery and I want to be there for him so that is the main thing holding me back.

And of course the fear that I do something wrong and dont die and end up ina worse situation then I am in now

 

[plough22]

My children mainly but even then I know that they would be looked after.

My 3 month old may need surgery and I want to be there for him so that is the main thing holding me back.

And of course the fear that I do something wrong and dont die and end up ina worse situation then I am in now

They are reason to hold back and hold out

 

[plough22]

Feeling reason low now, what's holding me back is my parents, I don't want to leave them as I know they'd be destroyed. My brother would call me chicken and curse me. I finding life like others on this site hard. I find that those who are ready to ctb brave, ready to find peace. That is all I want, peace in my mind.
I see hanging my method, pain fear regret, survival but yes I see my life ending in 2020. I see only hopelessness and colourless existence. Finally I am tired of fighting, tired.
I never thought I'd be that guy, I am. Please let me be strong and find peace

 

[Jon86]

I'm on disability now, so i'm in a more comfortable position, I suppose i'm alive because I don't have any sense of urgency that I need to kill myself right now. There's no impending 'homelessness' like there was before or struggle to keep working, now I just live in a comatose, apathetic state.

Suicidal ideation used to make me feel alive, now I feel nothing the majority of the time, not sure which I prefer.

I tried to do partial a few times in the past, when I was fading to black, what made me stand up was guilt, i'd think about my parents and the happy childhood I had.

 

[plough22]

I'm on disability now, so i'm in a more comfortable position, I suppose i'm alive because I don't have any sense of urgency that I need to kill myself right now. There's no impending 'homelessness' like there was before or struggle to keep working, now I just live in a comatose, apathetic state.

Suicidal ideation used to make me feel alive, now I feel nothing the majority of the time, not sure which I prefer.

I tried to do partial a few times in the past, when I was fading to black, what made me stand up was guilt, i'd think about my parents and the happy childhood I had.

Yes my parents save me and some hope. I just see darkness, futureless future

 

[mathieu]

At the moment it's not having the supplies to do it in a way I feel is acceptable. In the past there was a time when I had a bottle of N and I ended up deciding not to drink it because I didn't want to abandon my dog. Now life is so much worse that I am happy to leave the dog.

 

[plough22]

At the moment it's not having the supplies to do it in a way I feel is acceptable. In the past there was a time when I had a bottle of N and I ended up deciding not to drink it because I didn't want to abandon my dog. Now life is so much worse that I am happy to leave the dog.

You had a bottle of N, you have the holy grail, there are always reasons why, always something to hold us back but the ones who do, it's more direct for them, made their minds. I feel my life will end in 2020 but hope maybe keeps me here
I hope you find the peace

 

[Despondent]

I'm scared that I won't succeed, the thought of the aftermath for those who I love, and there's still some hope that I have

 

[Weightoftheworld]

My kids and my dog.
I love them tremendously but I will still CTB one day.

 

[Sotired_]

My family and friends.
Fear of the unknown--although I mostly believe after death is just nothing, same as when you go unconscious.
I'd rather make something of my life. But I'm in this position because I've nearly given up. I'm trying to work on this stuff, but I've been trying for years.

 

[Zilch]

What holds you back committing suicide, the reason? Then others just do it, no matter what method. The difference? I'm not afraid to die, failing and the consequences is what I'm afraid off, the method too. I know that I must get my head brave, there'll be pain / real pain and fear but for me is PEACE from this world, stops the hope of not waking up, stops me from self harming, stop the overthinking. Stops others from being hurt from them seeing a shell, causing hurt cause of how I feel every minute hour day. A few minutes torture for PEACE

I hope we all find peace, I was happy once but it's all gone in smoke.

Give me PEACE please.

It's maybe that I would probably be leaving a lot of people behind...

 

[plough22]

My family and friends.
Fear of the unknown--although I mostly believe after death is just nothing, same as when you go unconscious.
I'd rather make something of my life. But I'm in this position because I've nearly given up. I'm trying to work on this stuff, but I've been trying for years.

Unknown and death does not bother me, PEACE
Family and Friends keep me but I feel that keeping going the way I am, I feel they'll be better off without me

It's maybe that I would probably be leaving a lot of people behind...

Yes same for me

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Hurting the people that I love is the hardest part of it all. Going out in the least amount of pain possible and trying my best to wait and ctb at another location so my father won't be the one to find me. I'm currently staying with him. I'm now only waiting for my partner and I to be able to go out together. The plan is in a week or two.

 

[plough22]

Hurting the people that I love is the hardest part of it all. Going out in the least amount of pain possible and trying my best to wait and ctb at another location so my father won't be the one to find me. I'm currently staying with him. I'm now only waiting for my partner and I to be able to go out together. The plan is in a week or two.

Can I ask how you intend to find PEACE

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Can I ask how you intend to find PEACE

Peace will come in nonexistence.

 

[plough22]

Peace will come in nonexistence.

What I meant was method of ctb

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

What I meant was method of ctb

My bad. Fentanyl. If that doesn't work out, I'll resort back to partial hanging, as I have no access to drugs myself. I've tried four times in the past, all in one weekend, with hanging but couldn't get it right. I imagine I'll be able to succeed at some point.

 

[Red]

Fuckin' hope, man. That dirty bastard hope, that keeps untying the knot, putting down the poison, and talking me out of it.

Maybe that's just survival instinct. Sometimes it feels like maybe things might get better, but I know they won't. If they were going to, they would have by now. I'd be seeing some evidence.

Yes, HOPE is the main one stopping me, HOPE that the pain will be controlled and I'll be able to be functional again, HOPE forsome quality of life.

Then on the hopeless days, it's my fiancé, my "kid" (nearly 18) and best buddy in existence, my cat. He seems to know when I'm thinking this way and comes to sit with me a lot more than he does usually. He knows when I'm struggling and tries his very best to do what he can to comfort me - far more intuitive and comforting than any human in my life right now.