Venting What finally made me loose all interest in life

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

The thing is this: fundamentally I realized that I'm disinterested in getting any type of work or "being productive". What does that even mean? To whom? I wouldn't mind even mind being employed and living as a NEET, which I am doing already.

I also never had friends since I was like ten and other social contacts remained very superficial. We just talked about the weather and that's about it. Nothing deeper and we had nothing in common really. I tended to attract other social outcasts irl but we had nothing in common but our sorrows and being not accepted by others.

When I go outside I have nothing in common with other people but maybe it's because I don't even attempt to built relationships.

But then I lost interest in all other things that previously brought me joy. Playing games brings no longer joy to me. Watching films no longer brings joy to me. Drawing or going outside no longer brings joy to me. What is the point then?

I'm a school dropout, a young adult but have barely any social skills or motivation to achieve anything. Obviously I wouldn't accept something that was imposed on me because I won't have anything imposed on me anyway. I don't desire anything or want to achieve anything.

You're supposed to desire or want something when you're alive but when you don't want anything is there really a reason to go on? At this state I'll just be a marionette to others so they can make fun of me or make remaining family members happy.

So suicide seems like a good option.

What makes me sick is that non-suicidal people would rather keep you alive but have you on drugs you can't express your will. Your family is irrationally in love with you and wants you alive but doesn't care about what you want if it goes against their wishes.

Just a short rant but what do you when you truly are fed up and are disinterested in anything?

 

[vak]

I'm sorry that you're grappling with these thoughts.

I'm in a similar situation. I've come to understand that no matter which path I choose for my future, it fails to offer any sense of fulfillment. Despite having numerous opportunities, a good career in my dream field, and not suffering from depression, every scenario I imagine for myself feels empty and unsatisfying. To me, life is a prison devoid of the prospect of looking forward to release.

And you can't really cure this sentiment or talk through this with anyone
(I mean at least for me there truly is no alternative to ctb, others might react differently to treatment and I don't want to discourage them)

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I'm sorry that you're grappling with these thoughts.

I'm in a similar situation. I've come to understand that no matter which path I choose for my future, it fails to offer any sense of fulfillment. Despite having numerous opportunities, a good career in my dream field, and not suffering from depression, every scenario I imagine for myself feels empty and unsatisfying. To me, life is a prison devoid of the prospect of looking forward to release.

And you can't really cure this sentiment or talk through this with anyone
(I mean at least for me there truly is no alternative to ctb, others might react differently to treatment and I don't want to discourage them)

Wonder why we have a website like this talk about our true feelings then? There are no other places where I honestly express myself like that. But yeah no fulfillment and desire is something that will lead to not wanting to live anymore.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

The thing is this: fundamentally I realized that I'm disinterested in getting any type of work or "being productive".

Me too - I have no interest in them, with passion. I've been laughed at by people who are "hard-working", "skillful", "productive" or "talented" - these qualities work like a license to exploit others. So I've tried to avoid these people, but I can't cut ties with them completely, because I'm basically a beggar who can't contribute to the society, and beggars need somebody who has money. I've been at the mercy of them, and always will be.

I have a job, but my role is basically doing chores like cleaning a doormat at the entrance of the office - and more importantly, being a doormat who is willing to be trampled on. And it's okay - we need doormats in this society - because somebody's fame and fortune is built on somebody else's shame and misfortune - respect and wealth are relative.

Just a short rant but what do you when you truly are fed up and are disinterested in anything?

I spend most of my free time on this forum. I write poems often but I can't post them anywhere other than SaSu, because if I posted "I have no choice but kill myself - I can't be saved with words off the shelf" on an internet forum like Reddit then I'd immediately get banned.
When I joined this forum, I have nothing to live for (besides my imaginary friends) and was considering to hang myself, but surprisingly people here have made my life more bearable. I know I can never "save" suicidal people, but if I could make their life slightly more bearable, it would be my greatest pleasure.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

@LoiteringClouds Yes, sure. Everything is relative because of perception. Therefore perceiving can change everything.

Also sadly I had the opposite experience to you: I joined this forum with optimism and as a last resort if things go wrong. But over time I became weary and sick of life. The hope has been lost. Not entirely however - I have still some hope here and there but I seek to die if I get disappointed again. This is being burned out.

 

[ringo99]

I lost interest years ago when I realized I was mentally stunted and unfit to be among normal people. My childhood was really toxic without a proper male role model to look up to. Being introverted this resulted in me turning into a basket case who seeks comfort in the internet and video games. I can't function anymore in normal society and I've just been coasting along somehow. Ctb is the only way out for me. Pretty much been a zombie for the last 10 years now. Why preserve a corpse?

 

[GuylumBardot]

If

The thing is this: fundamentally I realized that I'm disinterested in getting any type of work or "being productive". What does that even mean? To whom? I wouldn't mind even mind being employed and living as a NEET, which I am doing already.

I also never had friends since I was like ten and other social contacts remained very superficial. We just talked about the weather and that's about it. Nothing deeper and we had nothing in common really. I tended to attract other social outcasts irl but we had nothing in common but our sorrows and being not accepted by others.

When I go outside I have nothing in common with other people but maybe it's because I don't even attempt to built relationships.

But then I lost interest in all other things that previously brought me joy. Playing games brings no longer joy to me. Watching films no longer brings joy to me. Drawing or going outside no longer brings joy to me. What is the point then?

I'm a school dropout, a young adult but have barely any social skills or motivation to achieve anything. Obviously I wouldn't accept something that was imposed on me because I won't have anything imposed on me anyway. I don't desire anything or want to achieve anything.

You're supposed to desire or want something when you're alive but when you don't want anything is there really a reason to go on? At this state I'll just be a marionette to others so they can make fun of me or make remaining family members happy.

So suicide seems like a good option.

What makes me sick is that non-suicidal people would rather keep you alive but have you on drugs you can't express your will. Your family is irrationally in love with you and wants you alive but doesn't care about what you want if it goes against their wishes.

Just a short rant but what do you when you truly are fed up and are disinterested in anything?

If you're on meds it could very well be contributing to your disinterest in things. They aren't exactly the life enhancers they're sold as.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Also sadly I had the opposite experience to you: I joined this forum with optimism and as a last resort if things go wrong. But over time I became weary and sick of life. The hope has been lost.

I'm so sorry to hear that - I remember when I spiralled into depression. I bought my first CTB kit (inert gas) in 2012 as a last resort, but in 2014 my situation got far worse, and attempted partial hanging. I didn't use a inert gas kit because I'm afraid of not completing the attempt and losing the gas. I was desperate to the point where I practiced partial hanging several times and gave it a try.

@LoiteringClouds Yes, sure. Everything is relative because of perception. Therefore perceiving can change everything.

In my case, my perception has changed over time. I was a total loser in 2014, and my depression improved in this 10 years, but I genuinely think I'm still a loser. I don't push anybody to reframe their way of thinking, because I don't think everybody can do that, and I found the word "reframing" is very invalidating.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, in my case I've never wished to exist and always found existing to be very pointless and futile, I see nothing appealing about being burdened with this existence for decades on end under any circumstances. But anyway best wishes, I certainly find it to be extreme cruelty how others wish to force us to continue suffering no matter what.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I lost interest years ago when I realized I was mentally stunted and unfit to be among normal people. My childhood was really toxic without a proper male role model to look up to. Being introverted this resulted in me turning into a basket case who seeks comfort in the internet and video games. I can't function anymore in normal society and I've just been coasting along somehow. Ctb is the only way out for me. Pretty much been a zombie for the last 10 years now. Why preserve a corpse?

A shame how many young men and boys had no male role model to look up to growing and nobody cares that much after all. How families are organized determines most of you are gonna end up as an adult.


@GuylumBardot I'm not on meds but I drink too much.

 

[Adûnâi]

1. Wait for AGI.
2. What if post-mortem life exists.

Those are honestly the only two points I would consider for myself. AGI might change literally everything in the world, especially occupations, whereas the idea of a post-mortem existence might entail that there is no point trying to escape it via suicide.

Those are rather flimsy pretexts, I admit, lmao. Although in my case, I would also be driven by the hatred of America, and expecting to feel Schadenfreude upon watching it burn. But YMMV.

It also depends on how much immediate pressure you're under. If I got randomly given a notice for conscription, I'd be slurping my SN that very moment. But if some semblance of relative peace of mind can be achieved, I can go on for a while longer. Especially with AGI on the horizon.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

1. Wait for AGI.
2. What if post-mortem life exists.

Those are honestly the only two points I would consider for myself. AGI might change literally everything in the world, especially occupations, whereas the idea of a post-mortem existence might entail that there is no point trying to escape it via suicide.

Those are rather flimsy pretexts, I admit, lmao. Although in my case, I would also be driven by the hatred of America, and expecting to feel Schadenfreude upon watching it burn. But YMMV.

It also depends on how much immediate pressure you're under. If I got randomly given a notice for conscription, I'd be slurping my SN that very moment. But if some semblance of relative peace of mind can be achieved, I can go on for a while longer. Especially with AGI on the horizon.

Maybe it all boils down too enough pressure that will urge the now still somewhat undecided and hopeful person to catch the bus eventually.