It's a balance between yourself and someone else. You have to be considerate.
I'm friends with some people here, but I know I'd fold it they unloaded everything onto me. I'm not being selfish. But you build up a relationship like where you can be open overtime.. Not all friends owe you an ear.
That being said, if you have a close friend.. Mutual feelings for one another.. And they leave when you open up to them, that's a problem. And they probably didn't have your best interests at heart.
But, again, you can't just unload everything onto them. They're not therapists. They're not professionals. Yes, they're there to listen you, but they're not there to offer a consultation.
This will be scatterbrained and I'm just going to bump off your comment with my own thoughts (so I apologize) but as far as I'm concerned- You shouldn't have to go to a "professional" to "unload" or think of all your problems as being in need of a "consultation"…even this rhetoric is part of the problem with how ubiquitous the whole mental health schema has become.
(But I guess I don't subscribe to it at all, so my perspective may differ from yours.)
Consideration is not a one way street, which your comment about mutuality lends credence to.
The thing is, no two people are going to have a perfect balance of good or bad in their lives which mirror that of their friend's.
Nowadays friends and family shirk the implications of their title and their previous tendency to listen and be there for their loved one..they have lost the motivation to try to understand you (or other people in general) & your problems because now they have an excuse and can simply put their hands in the air and say "I'm not a professional, I can't listen to this, I'm not trained for this".
It's fucking ridiculous.
Unless you have got your own plate FULL or are perhaps even worse off than the friend "unloading" onto you, then being there for someone at their worst moments is pretty much the epitome of being a good friend or loved one.
It's called a support system for a reason.
Standing there with your mouth agape and reacting like a brick wall doesn't cut it.
Hell, I would listen to a stranger on the street and try to offer some meager amount of support if I could, especially if they clearly had nobody else to go to.
And I have done so, even whilst in the pits of hell myself, I have done so.
We are losing the ability to connect with people or to cultivate/sustain empathy for them because the current status quo makes it easier than ever to remain superficial and keep our hands clean of another person's mess, just because we don't feel like dealing with it, even second hand (imagine how it must feel first hand..).
This, in turn, only perpetuates the loneliness, isolation and shame that forces people to resort to so-called professionals in the first place, who don't actually give a rat's ass about you or what you want out of life.
In the end, they too will abide by the script and they will put themselves and their reputation above your own, because they're no less out for themselves than these pathetic excuses for friends.
(Think about the existence of this site and how we can't even tell people we want to end our suffering..not without them calling the cops on us and sending us away.
Our problems are an
inconvenience.)
Obviously one should keep their circle small if they can't handle too many close relationships, which can be perfectly understandable.
I, myself have far too much going on to entertain any legitimate, long standing friendships right now (or in the future), so I isolate and keep my distance.
Even from family.
(For this reason, and many others.)
I also try to make it known that I'm piss poor at responding due to my situation and that I will be a very lacking support system to anyone in my current state.
(But I still always try to at least validate or acknowledge the other person's problem, pain or suffering when explaining why I may not be able to be there for them with any sort of consistency.)
I have tried not to beat around the bush on that note..but sometimes I am outright ignored for simply being honest, even in
that way.
I rarely delve into the details of my own situation..not to protect the other person (though I may make that false claim if it's going to keep them off my back and save me some conflict) but to protect my own self from being burned for the hundredth time.
Even testing the waters with those who call themselves my family has only ended in the silent treatment or complete catastrophe.
It's the equivalent of asking how someone is doing and then getting bent out of shape when they respond with anything other than "fine" or "great, actually".
It kills me to say I am fine when I am NOT FINE.
But so many people act offended and give you the cold shoulder, even if you make a general statement just to be truthful and even if you then try to move on to another subject to keep the tone lighter.
I've had people close to me 'drop bombs' of tragedy or misery into our conversational lap, even when they know I'm at death's door..
but several were not doing so as an attack on me, they just needed to vent to someone who wasn't going to bite their head off or make up an excuse to get off the phone.
I don't think I'm above allowing them to have had that humane option.
I tried to offer them what I would want offered to myself.
If I didn't know what to say and didn't have the experiences or history to permit full understanding of their situation, I would simply say as much:
"I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry I am not able to understand fully but I recognize how awful this must be for you."
This sentiment was appreciated.
And when I finally had to take my leave because my own nightmare was overtaking me, I tried to outline my reasons without being an ass.. as to be certain I was not giving them the impression that they did not matter, or that their own problems did not matter.
(Maybe I failed in that regard, maybe not.)
However, that took a lot for me to do and I don't subsequently trot off to live my own life.
Not at all.
I hardly leave my home and have been significantly isolated for the better part of nearly two decades.
I cry almost every single day, angry and bitter tears..I don't sleep, I writhe and I beg for death every second..I am in emotional and mental agony 24/7 and physical discomfort or pain often..
I have no internal or external peace, no means to be productive during my years as a recluse, no social life, no life at all..no current friends besides those I may message online infrequently on anonymous forums.
No typical social media presence, I'm basically a ghost.
That's just a touch of my existence, or lack thereof, though misery is a strangely busy affair.
I really don't know many people who have the sort of existence I do, even on this site…so it's difficult for me to believe that most human beings can't be arsed to be there for their friends, especially when they apparently have the time and energy to do just about everything else.
Something I can only dream of.
If someone like me found a way, with those who were willing to meet me in the middle, then I don't see why the majority of human beings can't just get their heads out of their asses and be there for someone other than themselves, at least in the moment.
Even therapists aren't there for
you, they're there primarily for the paycheck and they WILL censor you if need be.
