Help What do you guys think of this idea? Please read...

[lnlybnny]

Hi! This is my first post here. I need some advice.

I'm not gonna go further into details as to why I've came to the conclusion that I should ctb, only that this idea has been with me for many years, but I couldn't do it because I always waited for things to ''get better''. I can't complain as I've had some wonderful experiences that I would have missed otherwise. English isn't my first language so disregard any typos, thanks.

But the thoughts are still with me anyway. So, long story short (or not so short as I can be a bit prolix sometimes), the only things that I truly love in life and that give me true happiness are my favorite artists, and I feel extremely sad at the thought of never being able to see/hear them again. So I was thinking about going to another country (as most of them are foreigners) to be able to see them live for the last times and then ctb by jumping off a hotel window or something. I never went to another country or travelled on my own so that would be totally new and stressing on its own. But I'm scared that I won't have the guts once I'm there and experience that euphorical feeling of seeing them live and wanting to repeat that until I die naturally.

The most beautiful experiences I have had are when I saw them live when they came to my country and I delayed ctb mostly because of them throughout the years. ''I can't do it otherwise I'll miss their releases'', I always think. I don't even think of family, and I only have one friend (that I ghost all the time). Nobody undertstands this love and people jugde me for it, they just don't get it, and explaining to people like that would be like casting pearls before swines. I'm a freak in their minds anyway. I don't really get along with anyone and rather spend my days in my own world.

The last time I've seen an artist I really love and would give my life for was in december, and before that the ctb thoughts were really intense, and afterwards I couldn't think about it, I just wish I could live forever to keep these memories with me eternally. The moments were so perfect I cry everyday of happiness when I think of it (actually started crying now). But as soon as I arrived home the reality of my life came crashing down on me life firestorm, and the thoughts became intense again day by day, alongside the paradox of not really wanting to die and leave the love I feel for them turn into dust.

It makes me miserable to know how many things I'll miss out, the concerts, the music, the movies, the pictures I won't be able to experience. At the same time I know I can't keep going because of the reality of my life and I can't go on in this situation. If I had any dignity as a human I would have already done it. At the same time there are questions within myself regarding my beliefs about if I should really do it (this is subject for another thread though).

What do you guys think of this idea? The one of travelling and jumping off a building, the window of the hotel or something.

 

[dragonofenvy]

If you get to experience things you love before you go I can't think of anything better. A lot of people would envy the opportunity. I'd say go for it. Just make sure you're absolutely sure you want to go through with it since I'd hate for you to bankrupt yourself traveling or something.

 

[SoulCage]

Hey.
First up, sorry for your pain and the can totally relate to the "i delay because it gets better"...

It's a nice approach, but I see one issue (but I guess it depends on which country you are travelling to): I believe that windows are locked for safety reasons, especially in high rises? I really think jumping isn't an option unless it has maybe a balcony? But not sure if they add balconies to buildings that are high enough for successful jumping...
Again, not sure if there are countries that have loose laws and don't care about that stuff

 

[lnlybnny]

If you get to experience things you love before you go I can't think of anything better. A lot of people would envy the opportunity. I'd say go for it. Just make sure you're absolutely sure you want to go through with it since I'd hate for you to bankrupt yourself traveling or something.

There would be many logistics issues involved for sure... Their gigs would have to be at an specific date, as I would want to see as many/much of them as I could. Yes, I fear I would pussy out and then would be left without any savings. Ugh this is so complex. Sometimes I think I should just off myself at home, it would be more peaceful. But I would hate to not live these things, and my savings would go nowhere forever lol

Hey.
First up, sorry for your pain and the can totally relate to the "i delay because it gets better"...

It's a nice approach, but I see one issue (but I guess it depends on which country you are travelling to): I believe that windows are locked for safety reasons, especially in high rises? I really think jumping isn't an option unless it has maybe a balcony? But not sure if they add balconies to buildings that are high enough for successful jumping...
Again, not sure if there are countries that have loose laws and don't care about that stuff

It would be an ''eurotrip'', so europe yeah, as most of them are from there. I wasn't aware about this subject though... Nicely put. One more problem with this idea then. I don't wanna do it mindlessly, I have to think a lot before. But I wish I could disappear as soon as possible

 

[dragonofenvy]

Ugh this is so complex.

It never is easy. That's why a lot of us have been here for a long time. There are plenty of other things you can do or think about, much of which is wholly dependent on the person.

Sometimes I think I should just off myself at home, it would be more peaceful. But I would hate to not live these things, and my savings would go nowhere forever lol

I feel a bit similarly, though I know that my savings would at least (hopefully) go to my sisters who are actually living a life right now. They can use it for their children. I wanted to do it near a lake at night because I like nature and all that stuff and wanted to be in a quiet place. Like I said, there's a lot of things to think about. Hopefully, you're not chomping at the bit needing to do it right now so you'll have time.

 

[lnlybnny]

I feel a bit similarly, though I know that my savings would at least (hopefully) go to my sisters who are actually living a life right now. They can use it for their children. I wanted to do it near a lake at night because I like nature and all that stuff and wanted to be in a quiet place. Like I said, there's a lot of things to think about. Hopefully, you're not chomping at the bit needing to do it right now so you'll have time.

It's been many years I feel like this but never actually planned it out. Just silly things like putting a belt around my neck to ''feel it''. but never something serious. As the years went by my situation just got more and more ridiculous and I just feel humiliated by my own existence, so yes I'm desperate to go asap
Also I'm obviously not sure of this method, would rather a more peaceful/effective one, as there's always the chance of surviving

 

[dragonofenvy]

It's been many years I feel like this but never actually planned it out. Just silly things like putting a belt around my neck to ''feel it''. but never something serious. As the years went by my situation just got more and more ridiculous and I just feel humiliated by my own existence, so yes I'm desperate to go asap

I understand wanting to go ASAP as I feel the same way, but going ASAP brings about problems because of how much more likely you are to fail be doing it impulsively. I've got anecdotal experience with that and it's not fun. You need to give yourself time to think of a concrete plan and then take the steps to execute it to ensure the highest probability of success as opposed to "I might jump out of a window or something" which, to me, seems like something that's not planned too well and could result in failure. But I'm just basing this entirely off of what you posted, I'm sure you've given this a lot of thought for a long period. You've got some ideas floating around, that's a good start. Planning is hard, trust me I know. It took me a few months to finally figure my way out. Now I just have to take the many steps for it.

 

[lnlybnny]

I understand wanting to go ASAP as I feel the same way, but going ASAP brings about problems because of how much more likely you are to fail be doing it impulsively. I've got anecdotal experience with that and it's not fun. You need to give yourself time to think of a concrete plan and then take the steps to execute it to ensure the highest probability of success as opposed to "I might jump out of a window or something" which, to me, seems like something that's not planned too well and could result in failure. But I'm just basing this entirely off of what you posted, I'm sure you've given this a lot of thought for a long period. You've got some ideas floating around, that's a good start. Planning is hard, trust me I know. It took me a few months to finally figure my way out. Now I just have to take the many steps for it.

sorry to ask, how long have you been planning it out, and how much time does it take? like seriously. also what is your method? if you would feel like sharing ofc. it's funny because i have such low energy that my mind gets dizzy just by thinking of having to plan all of this. this doesn't involve just me, but other people too as i don't wanna be a burden anymore, hence the desperation

 

[dragonofenvy]

sorry to ask, how long have you been planning it out, and how much time does it take? like seriously. also what is your method? if you would feel like sharing ofc. it's funny because i have such low energy that my mind gets dizzy just by thinking of having to plan all of this. this doesn't involve just me, but other people too as i don't wanna be a burden anymore, hence the desperation

My suicidal thoughts in general have been around for 15 years. I've planned my most recent attempt for the past 2 weeks. The steps I have to take are to update my license so I can purchase a firearm to shoot myself with it. I believe you've replied to my thread about it already. My last attempt was via hypothermia and I ended up quitting my job for it. That was an impulsive plan and kind of fucked up my life in a lot of ways, but I'll admit not working my crappy job was nice. Just didn't like the whole being in a coma in my apartment because I was cold.

How long does it take? Idk. The idea of shooting myself has floated in my head for years, and I've tried it as young as 8 years old to no success (obviously). Sometimes you just need to have your life become a complete mess to finally realize what you want to do. I guess that's what happened to me. I spent about 2 or 3 days looking up my state's laws and seeing what I'd need to do to get a gun.

A step-by-step of what it looked like would be
1. Think about how I want to go. After a few days I settled on a gun.
2. What kind of gun do I want to use? Shotguns were the best, but not an option for me at this moment since carrying and storing a shotgun in an apartment is not the best idea. I opted for a .45 caliber pistol.
3. Research what I need. Okay, I need a concealed carry permit, which requires a gun class. But I don't have my license updated, I need to do that.
4. Update my license (in progress).
5. Take the concealed carry classes.
6. Get a concealed carry permit from the sheriff.
7. Purchase firearm.

Most of the time spent was just me sitting down and thinking. Unfortunately, right now my life is kind of in a spiral for me to do anything about it right now thanks to the lump of fat that's in my skull telling me to just lay in bed and rot all day.

Does the step-by-step sound intimidating? No problem. Let's just do the first part. It sounds like you want to jump, step 2 would be to figure out how high you need to jump from. Go there next. Don't think about steps 3, 4, 5, etc. right now.

 

[lnlybnny]

My suicidal thoughts in general have been around for 15 years. I've planned my most recent attempt for the past 2 weeks. The steps I have to take are to update my license so I can purchase a firearm to shoot myself with it. I believe you've replied to my thread about it already. My last attempt was via hypothermia and I ended up quitting my job for it. That was an impulsive plan and kind of fucked up my life in a lot of ways, but I'll admit not working my crappy job was nice. Just didn't like the whole being in a coma in my apartment because I was cold.

How long does it take? Idk. The idea of shooting myself has floated in my head for years, and I've tried it as young as 8 years old to no success (obviously). Sometimes you just need to have your life become a complete mess to finally realize what you want to do. I guess that's what happened to me. I spent about 2 or 3 days looking up my state's laws and seeing what I'd need to do to get a gun.

A step-by-step of what it looked like would be
1. Think about how I want to go. After a few days I settled on a gun.
2. What kind of gun do I want to use? Shotguns were the best, but not an option for me at this moment since carrying and storing a shotgun in an apartment is not the best idea. I opted for a .45 caliber pistol.
3. Research what I need. Okay, I need a concealed carry permit, which requires a gun class. But I don't have my license updated, I need to do that.
4. Update my license (in progress).
5. Take the concealed carry classes.
6. Get a concealed carry permit from the sheriff.
7. Purchase firearm.

Most of the time spent was just me sitting down and thinking. Unfortunately, right now my life is kind of in a spiral for me to do anything about it right now thanks to the lump of fat that's in my skull telling me to just lay in bed and rot all day.

Does the step-by-step sound intimidating? No problem. Let's just do the first part. It sounds like you want to jump, step 2 would be to figure out how high you need to jump from. Go there next. Don't think about steps 3, 4, 5, etc. right now.

I go through my city looking at the buildings but none of them seem high enough. I thought that I would find it easily in another city, or in this case another country. But still I'm not sure about this method. I'm still lurking around. I just don't want to give myself all this time anymore but I'm such a procrastinator even about this situation. The thought of waiting more makes me freak out, the idea of being imprisonated in this body and having no means to leave makes me go crazy and just wanna cry, I can't deal with this