Discussion (What Are YOUR Thoughts) when the bus is near?

[Redt2go]

Though you say you felt calm, I felt incredible anxiety and what ultimately caused me to pussy out when I tried to hang myself was the thought of my crying father.

see what I mean. you're so incredibly sweet!

 

[21Neberg]

see what I mean. you're so incredibly sweet!

That's what you see, I'm just ashamed of myself...

 

[Redt2go]

That's what you see, I'm just ashamed of myself...

Ashamed of being emotional? Or just your whole life

 

[Its911]

Though you say you felt calm, I felt incredible anxiety and what ultimately caused me to pussy out when I tried to hang myself was the thought of my crying father.

I think this is one of those rare moments in my life when i can say being a sociopath has its up sides (no empathy) but i understand what you mean, thank you for your honesty and sharing. If your noose ever finds a grip, hopefully its quick and at peace.

 

[21Neberg]

Ashamed of being emotional? Or just your whole life

Both, I guess. Ashamed of being a failure too.

 

[Jacquelyn]

Thanks for sharing that sounds like a nice way to go, especially the part about being high my only worry would be id waste the tank staying high and not cranking it open to a lethal level ...

With the tank I'm gonna take a guess and say that's not gonna happen. Pretty sure only 15lpm need to come out, maybe less. Either way if you fell asleep you'd pretty much guarantee it, slow death or not.
These tanks are gonna have 8-99x the amount of CO needed for near instant CO unconscious and death.

 

[Redt2go]

Both, I guess. Ashamed of being a failure too.

Being emotional and empathic is a good thing! But sorry you feel like a failure

 

[TAW122]

There is a sense of dread and fear when I know that next week will be the decisive event that determines whether I live longer or die within less than 3 months from now. This is also why if I made the decision to die, that I use the interim to override my SI, muster the courage and determination to follow through (no doubts, no second thoughts).

Also just in case anyone might think it is an impulse decision or that I'm ctb'ing over ONE thing, it is not. I have thoroughly thought about ctb'ing over the last decade plus I have many reasons and causes (which I have elaborated elsewhere and don't want to write paragraphs explaining here).Next week is just my last ditch effort to see if I want to work on living and recovery or work on getting ready to die.

 

[Partial-Elf]

It took a good amount of practicing to figure out the best method to hang myself with a modicum of comfort (as comfortable as the situation allows at least). Advice I was given on here by @Partial-Elf really helped as it allowed me to put the weight on the noose and not feel like it's tearing my head off. The biggest difference in my noose setup (following advice) was replacing the slipknot with a carbeaner (a metal ring would do) as this prevents the feeling of chafing at the back of the neck, it also slips a lot easier meaning you get tight compression with very little effort.

Then it was important to get the noose as tight as possible by applying a little weight to achieve this and sitting directly below the chin, then once I could let go of the noose without it slipping, I just dropped (as though dropping back on the couch after a long day) letting my body weight do all the work. At that point I felt all tingly and strange, vision began to go black and my hearing was like listening to the world underwater. I'd have been out within a few seconds if my brain didn't trigger all my OCD "what's happening right now" garbage.

I'd also never forget to pad the front of my neck with a cloth (or other material) to prevent the rope digging in to the top of my neck. Padding the front of my neck really helped reduce the feeling of the rope digging in. I'm not going to lie and say it was completely comfortable, but any discomfort is fairly quickly negated by the "death high" kicking in.

I've accepted that when I go to carry out the final act, I'll have to briefly bite down a little discomfort and then let gravity and biology take care of the rest.

So glad I've been helpful! It's incredibly satisfying to see my advice taken and reproduced with the same results. You described it all very clearly and accessibly

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I would like to report that my feelings were predominantly about my loved ones, or else something transcendental like God or Universal Peace, etc. In reality, though, when I tried to die, the only thought which crossed my mind was, "I really hope this doesn't hurt too much."