Story how I failed to hang myself

[100memoryleaks]

all right story time y'all I thought yesterday was gonna be my last day well I thought wrong I AM THE BIGGEST FUCKING CLOWN AND DUMBASS and LOSER who cannot even successfully ctb I haven't slept in probably almost a day and probably still a bit drunk but I don't wanna forget anything after I fall asleep and shit so here's how it went.

so I had my backpack with my things ready and right before leaving I took 2 ibuprofen pills, an l-theanine pill, and 5 gabapentin pills (IDR how much each is I think like 300 mg or something?) and then I walked out to my spot. picking that fucking log was probably a mistake it wasn't high enough off the ground, didn't have anything to step off of. now I know why partial is really not a good fucking idea cuz guess what you can just stand up and save yourself even if you don't want to!!

so once I got to the spot I chugged my first can of Radler which is also known as shandy it's a beer mixed with sparkling lemonade it has a really low alcohol percentage but I have pretty low tolerance plus I took those sedative pills plus it's really fucking good like really good my fp loved it it's GOOD. y'all should try it seriously. ANYWAY. i tied a half assed snuggle hitch knit in the log, I thought I didn't need to do it fully cuz it's a fucking log it can't possibly break. and then made the slip knot. chugged the second Radler and half of the can of wine i brought.

i put the noose around the base of my neck and pulled it tight. after a couple tries where I was struggling to breathe, I THINK THIS FIRST TIME I WAS ACTUALLY CLOSE TO CTB LIKE REALLY FUCKING CLOSE ok like it deadass resembled something I saw in a partial hanging video, i could feel myself struggling to breathe but my body went numb, my vision was going dark, my hearing went out and I saw this weird teal black vortex in my vision it was super trippy and I heard a muffled female voice saying something unintelligible and although I couldn't make it out any words it felt... comforting?? idk and then after a while my legs gave out and I started swinging around a bit and still struggling to breathe, I started making grunting and groaning sounds without wanting to and my arms started flailing, eventually my SI kicked in at the last second and I saved myself. goddammit. just a while a longer and I could have died.

by then even though I stood up I was having trouble standing up, and I'm pretty sure I accidentally fell in the right position or something cuz I just felt my legs give out, I passed out and then heard this loud static noise and suddenly I was standing up again with my hands around the noose. wtf. and it felt like I was hyper aware or something. i thought maybe I died or something but no I'm still here typing this so I'm clearly alive unfortunately

this happened a third time as well, just kinda leaned into the noose and AGAIN the static and suddenly hyper aware. at that point I tried to adjust the rope, give it a couple more half assed tries but I kept getting the head exploding feeling so I just took off the noose and collapsed on the dirt. i could barely stand or walk straight by this point. i considered calling my dad to come get me but I just decided to tough it out and shove the rope and the empty cans back in my backpack and take the walk of shame back home. i probably looked like a fucking drug addict.

and holy shit when I got home and looked at my face in the bathroom mirror it was covered in this purple spots. obviously my neck had red marks too. now I'm in my bed and I'm eventually gonna try to get some sleep. i put away my note to my family and cancelled the scheduled email to my fp for now.

all in all I think hanging just isn't for me but hey there's no rush right, I'll figure something out

thanks for reading my gibberish I learned my lesson don't do partial and SI is a fucking bitch I hate myself fuck me and I'm a dumbass

 

[cherrydrpepper147]

Omg you WENT THROUGH IT. I saw your comment you left on that one thread of some dude saying he was going to hang himself. Be honest, how'd it feel? I saw a comment saying that hanging felt like a chainsaw to the throat. Could you recall a feeling similar to that? Honestly, I could imagine the head exploding feeling, since all the weight transfers to your neck during suspension.

 

[SadCryingBunny]

I tried hanging. It was a horrible experience. I almost died when I fell and couldn't stand up. I was using a bungee rope that stretched. I am trying with nitrogen and exit bag. It is a lot better but it's taking a long time to pass out and it's intense. Considering taking sleeping pills. If it was easy to kill yourself peacefully like how we go to sleep every night. I can 10000% guarantee you 50% of the world's population would suicide if not more.

 

[100memoryleaks]

Omg you WENT THROUGH IT. I saw your comment you left on that one thread of some dude saying he was going to hang himself. Be honest, how'd it feel? I saw a comment saying that hanging felt like a chainsaw to the throat. Could you recall a feeling similar to that? Honestly, I could imagine the head exploding feeling, since all the weight transfers to your neck during suspension.

if i put the rope around or above my Adams apple then yes, but at the base of the neck it didn't hurt

I tried hanging. It was a horrible experience. I almost died when I fell and couldn't stand up. I was using a bungee rope that stretched. I am trying with nitrogen and exit bag. It is a lot better but it's taking a long time to pass out and it's intense. Considering taking sleeping pills. If it was easy to kill yourself peacefully like how we go to sleep every night. I can 10000% guarantee you 50% of the world's population would suicide if not more.

i thought hanging was supposed to be a peaceful way out all those people in hanging videos make it look so fucking easy. all I had to do was not stand up omfg

 

[sacrilegeofsouls]

I don't even know why people consider partial in the first place is it for like a just incase last moment change of plans?

all right story time y'all I thought yesterday was gonna be my last day well I thought wrong I AM THE BIGGEST FUCKING CLOWN AND DUMBASS and LOSER who cannot even successfully ctb I haven't slept in probably almost a day and probably still a bit drunk but I don't wanna forget anything after I fall asleep and shit so here's how it went.

so I had my backpack with my things ready and right before leaving I took 2 ibuprofen pills, an l-theanine pill, and 5 gabapentin pills (IDR how much each is I think like 300 mg or something?) and then I walked out to my spot. picking that fucking log was probably a mistake it wasn't high enough off the ground, didn't have anything to step off of. now I know why partial is really not a good fucking idea cuz guess what you can just stand up and save yourself even if you don't want to!!

so once I got to the spot I chugged my first can of Radler which is also known as shandy it's a beer mixed with sparkling lemonade it has a really low alcohol percentage but I have pretty low tolerance plus I took those sedative pills plus it's really fucking good like really good my fp loved it it's GOOD. y'all should try it seriously. ANYWAY. i tied a half assed snuggle hitch knit in the log, I thought I didn't need to do it fully cuz it's a fucking log it can't possibly break. and then made the slip knot. chugged the second Radler and half of the can of wine i brought.

i put the noose around the base of my neck and pulled it tight. after a couple tries where I was struggling to breathe, I THINK THIS FIRST TIME I WAS ACTUALLY CLOSE TO CTB LIKE REALLY FUCKING CLOSE ok like it deadass resembled something I saw in a partial hanging video, i could feel myself struggling to breathe but my body went numb, my vision was going dark, my hearing went out and I saw this weird teal black vortex in my vision it was super trippy and I heard a muffled female voice saying something unintelligible and although I couldn't make it out any words it felt... comforting?? idk and then after a while my legs gave out and I started swinging around a bit and still struggling to breathe, I started making grunting and groaning sounds without wanting to and my arms started flailing, eventually my SI kicked in at the last second and I saved myself. goddammit. just a while a longer and I could have died.

by then even though I stood up I was having trouble standing up, and I'm pretty sure I accidentally fell in the right position or something cuz I just felt my legs give out, I passed out and then heard this loud static noise and suddenly I was standing up again with my hands around the noose. wtf. and it felt like I was hyper aware or something. i thought maybe I died or something but no I'm still here typing this so I'm clearly alive unfortunately

this happened a third time as well, just kinda leaned into the noose and AGAIN the static and suddenly hyper aware. at that point I tried to adjust the rope, give it a couple more half assed tries but I kept getting the head exploding feeling so I just took off the noose and collapsed on the dirt. i could barely stand or walk straight by this point. i considered calling my dad to come get me but I just decided to tough it out and shove the rope and the empty cans back in my backpack and take the walk of shame back home. i probably looked like a fucking drug addict.

and holy shit when I got home and looked at my face in the bathroom mirror it was covered in this purple spots. obviously my neck had red marks too. now I'm in my bed and I'm eventually gonna try to get some sleep. i put away my note to my family and cancelled the scheduled email to my fp for now.

all in all I think hanging just isn't for me but hey there's no rush right, I'll figure something out

thanks for reading my gibberish I learned my lesson don't do partial and SI is a fucking bitch I hate myself fuck me and I'm a dumbass

 

[100memoryleaks]

I don't even know why people consider partial in the first place is it for like a just incase last moment change of plans?

i saw videos of partial hangings and I was like "ah surely if it worked for them it will work for me "

 

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

i saw videos of partial hangings and I was like "ah surely if it worked for them it will work for me "

Fuck. Was planning on partial hanging. But I know somehow this would happen to me too ATP, After only one nearly fatal CTB attempt for OD using perscriptiom drugs. Every other time has been a fail.

I don't want to be inpatiented, or in the psych at all again I just want this last time to be, well….. the actual last time.

Currently thinking a jump from a significant fall is my best bet to CTB for 0 failure

 

[Charly]

I also managed to suspend myself and confirm the sensation of a chainsaw on my neck. The rope was above the adam apple, so idk, maybe it was a mistake. Also thin rope. The pain was unbearable so i got back the staple immediately. Have no idea how to get all those comforting/black out feelings:)

Marks on my neck are still visible a week after.

 

[DriftingStars]

I'm just so amazed about the female voice. It's like divine intervention..

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'm sorry, mate. Truly. Do you think you're going to try again? Your setup seemed good enough, I think you would just have had to stay down for another couple seconds. Maybe more alcohol, more time to let it kick in? Painkillers? If you are going to try again, I would suggest living life fully for a little bit beforehand if you can. Just have fun while you're here, you know? Love and peace, my friend. I hope it all works out for you

 

[100memoryleaks]

I'm sorry, mate. Truly. Do you think you're going to try again? Your setup seemed good enough, I think you would just have had to stay down for another couple seconds. Maybe more alcohol, more time to let it kick in? Painkillers? If you are going to try again, I would suggest living life fully for a little bit beforehand if you can. Just have fun while you're here, you know? Love and peace, my friend. I hope it all works out for you

i wanted to try again but there's something so terrifying about hanging now that it's like my brain refuses to let me do it again. which is annoying because I even found a better tree. but I'm fine for now I'm just gonna fuck myself up with more drugs until my SN arrives (should be coming in a week)

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

i wanted to try again but there's something so terrifying about hanging now that it's like my brain refuses to let me do it again. which is annoying because I even found a better tree. but I'm fine for now I'm just gonna fuck myself up with more drugs until my SN arrives (should be coming in a week)

Yeah, I don't think I'll be hanging myself for the same reason. Well, I hope you're at least able to have fun or be happy a little bit in the time before your SN arrives. Love and peace