(this is sh related, i realized i didn't mention that anywhere lol) realistically, there's nothing i can do. i wait for it and deal with the consequences. all the waiting is now is for time alone at home and bracing myself for the fallout.
all of it is so fucked!!! i'm 23 and it feels un fucking real that i'm at worst NOW. that over a decade of this shit wasn't actually the worst, this is the worst. and maybe this isn't even it. maybe it gets worse, i can only assume it does. but fuck!!! people still want to act like i'm capable, like something will change if i just try harder, if i think positively, if i get up and do things. like i haven't been living some fucking life all this time. like i haven't been getting up everyday. like i didn't get to my last semester of uni before losing it. i've done it. i've gotten up everyday, ive been breathing, ive been trying as best as i can. but it isn't enough and i get it. it isnt enough for me either. but again, fuck!!! i don't know better. i know nothing besides this. besides all this pain and horror. i've never seen anything else, ive never experienced anything else. but apparently that isn't true. none of my pain is true or warranted.
anyway this wasn't supposed to be any of this. i'm going to relapse and im fucking tired already and not ready for the consequences of this relapse. i won't have the energy for it. but if i relapse, im choosing to deal with consequences so that's on me. it's okay. it's all okay.
all of it is so fucked!!! i'm 23 and it feels un fucking real that i'm at worst NOW. that over a decade of this shit wasn't actually the worst, this is the worst. and maybe this isn't even it. maybe it gets worse, i can only assume it does. but fuck!!! people still want to act like i'm capable, like something will change if i just try harder, if i think positively, if i get up and do things. like i haven't been living some fucking life all this time. like i haven't been getting up everyday. like i didn't get to my last semester of uni before losing it. i've done it. i've gotten up everyday, ive been breathing, ive been trying as best as i can. but it isn't enough and i get it. it isnt enough for me either. but again, fuck!!! i don't know better. i know nothing besides this. besides all this pain and horror. i've never seen anything else, ive never experienced anything else. but apparently that isn't true. none of my pain is true or warranted.
anyway this wasn't supposed to be any of this. i'm going to relapse and im fucking tired already and not ready for the consequences of this relapse. i won't have the energy for it. but if i relapse, im choosing to deal with consequences so that's on me. it's okay. it's all okay.
