Got everything going for me. I'm just bored. That's all really.
I'm autistic, which is not in and of itself bad, but this means I have significant learning disabilities. I have a master's degree in history but I have no control over my own life. I'm dependent on my father and overbearing, loudmouth step-mother. I feel helpless to stand up to my step-mother because I'm dependent on her financially and her decisions now have me in a job where every learning disability I have is greatly amplified. It is a blue collar, physical labor job and my step-mother has periodically communicated with my boss. For example, she just sent him an e-mail suggesting that instead of missing half a day on Thursday due to an appointment, I can perhaps work a full eight hour day later that day. That would mean I would have to work a shift that I previously moved out of because the people are gruff and the work is too intense. I'm a grown, 41 year old man with a master's degree and my step-mother has decided without any solicitation from me , my employer or anyone else to act as my "advocate" with my employer. I'm an over-educated autistic man working with gruff, blue collar types and with a goddam idiot, control freak step-mother dominating my existence.. God, please strike me dead now, I'll go to hell, go to purgatory but please don't make me go back to work and please don't make me take another rambling phone call from my goddam, psycho control freak step-mother. Overall, I have nothing at all going for me and life has become a daily exercise in psychological torture from various corners.
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Chronic abdominal pain, i can not stay on food to make my food even. Severe episodes of abdominal pain lasting for months. Pain 24/7 from 2 years now, continuously. I tried 2 surgerys, nothing works. If i stay on food for too long, pain increases to an state in which i can only go youtube to watch random videos, no sleep (if i knock myself out with benzos, i have nightmares), no eat, not calmed mind, that for months, 2? 3? 4? who cares? Yea me
Im 36, when all started a t age of 30, i used to go 3 hours of Gym a day including boxing, running, trying to make money..Now i fight to keep myself alive for another day just for my loved ones, not for myself.
Im 36, when all started a t age of 30, i used to go 3 hours of Gym a day including boxing, running, trying to make money..Now i fight to keep myself alive for another day just for my loved ones, not for myself.
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My main reason is because I am a complete failure of a human. I am exactly the type of person I never wanted to be. My heart is hard and I've completely lost my compassion for others. I have no motivation to change myself. I'm obese and feel out of control and trapped inside a body I hate. Food is the only thing I enjoy and at the same time it's killing me. I feel so stupid. My brain is constantly in a fog and I am so detached. I feel incapable of interacting sincerely with others and it makes me so awkward. I used to be intelligent. I went to college, got a job, was successful in the world's view but I've always hated myself and hated being alive. Now I'm back living with my parents working a job I hate just waiting to ctb. Not really sure why I'm having such a hard time making the final decision, but I have most things planned out.
The struggles I'll face in the future don't seem to be worth the enjoyment i get out of life.
Also had elderly family members warn me very clearly, "do not get old". :P
Also had elderly family members warn me very clearly, "do not get old". :P
waterbottleman
Not a person
- Sep 30, 2019
- 721
I've already expressed my reasons in greater detail many times in this forum so I'll spare the details and just sum up why I want to ctb in a few words.
Existential angst and loneliness.
Existential angst and loneliness.
these_days9
Specialist
- Dec 25, 2019
- 331
it might be dumb but mostly I just don't see the point. especially when reading all the comments above and in other threads about how much people go through for no reason. I feel complicit by being alive and just want out.
Whitewash11235814
Experienced
- Oct 21, 2019
- 207
Yours covers it pretty much. Trust has been obliterated in my life, completely vanquished like a band-aid that kept the wound blind. Now its gaping and staring me right in the face. I've been tortured by my own family for their own pleasure as a way for them to attain some goal. Anyhow, I hate life big time. I always did and now I hate it even more. I've noticed that lately I have a hard time crying for some odd reason. I miss crying and bashing my head against the wall tbh.
Life has been torture for me and I don't know why. I want answers.
Life has been torture for me and I don't know why. I want answers.
Xaphous
hikikomori
- Nov 11, 2018
- 550
waterbottleman
Not a person
- Sep 30, 2019
- 721
=(
I am so sorry you have experienced life like this.
Lack of love is a significant reason why I want to ctb as well, I've been single my entire adult life (and I'm 29).
The realization that no one has ever loved you is soul crushing and I don't think people who have regularly had people who love them in their life know how it truly feels to be that alone and for the world to give you no validation whatsoever.
I am blessed to have a family who loves me though, they're the only ones in my life who care about me.
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
I love those images!
I want to leave this world because I lost the love of my life- I.discovered I have a serious mental illness @40- I'm old, fat, insecure, only high school diploma, no family, alone, full of bitterness, hate, longing, shame... so.much sadness & feeling worthless & powerless. I hate life. I despise life
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purplemoon
I Have the Light Inside, Surrounded by Darkness
- Sep 22, 2019
- 394
That's a lot to endure, and I can relate to you on a few of those.
However, Please Don't let this mostly ridiculous species and society make you feel worthless, ultimately it's your spirit that is worthy, not your life circumstances or your body. I know, easier said than done right?
hugs
She sounds abusive and way too controlling, I really hope even if you catch the bus eventually, but you could at least be more comfortable first. What about finding a possible roommate?
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purplemoon
I Have the Light Inside, Surrounded by Darkness
- Sep 22, 2019
- 394
not that this is a miracle cure or anything, but have you ever tried GABA? It's over the counter no doctor or prescription needed.
You can order it off Amazon or usually find it in any organic/ natural/ holistic grocery store (like Super Supplements) in the vitamin section. It works for an average of 4 hours and has virtually no side effects, it's also a natural brain chemical that is typically depleted under chronic stress.
So it's something your brain naturally needs, and it's not medicine, it's more like a brain vitamin that calms...
I even doubled my dose and it would work actually just as well as Xanax or Ativan but Natural with no withdrawal symptoms ever.
It helps a lot and not expensive. If you ever do try, I personally recommend the powdered GABA inside capsules versus the hard pill. Just a thought to try to help you and anyone else who reads this.
Even if we all are still going to eventually catch the bus anyway, why not make it a little more physically comfortable before leaving? At least that's how I think of it.
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Life is like taking a school class I dont like and am not good at. I hate going to this class(life), I work at it as hard as I can and can never get better than a C-. No point.
I hate the life I have, and I cannot change it without shitloads of luck and hard work. Unfortunately I have no mental energy from my CPTSD, anxiety and depression. I also probably have undiagnosed learning disabilities, plus ADHD.
Financial issues. Dropped out of college because of mental illness and thus underemployed and nobody will hire me even if I'm 20, plus I'm a migrant so even less chances. I've been actively suicidal for 6 years now, tried to get better many times, can't fucking do it. If I cannot live decently without dragging others down I rather die successfuly at least, once for all.
I'm tired of this life. I have had such a shitty life for my age. I'm not even proud of myself because I did not grow from it. My childhood abuse didn't make me wiser or more resilent. I'm not cut-out for this. Can't do the rat race. My dreams desintegrated and I lost any passion I possessed. I have nothing to live for. I'm tired of the constant struggle. Of my own inadequacy, of the cruelty of humanity. I have seen many fucked up things. I have seen dead people, I grew up around violence. Like. There is nothing to look forward to. It's shit and piss.
Financial issues. Dropped out of college because of mental illness and thus underemployed and nobody will hire me even if I'm 20, plus I'm a migrant so even less chances. I've been actively suicidal for 6 years now, tried to get better many times, can't fucking do it. If I cannot live decently without dragging others down I rather die successfuly at least, once for all.
I'm tired of this life. I have had such a shitty life for my age. I'm not even proud of myself because I did not grow from it. My childhood abuse didn't make me wiser or more resilent. I'm not cut-out for this. Can't do the rat race. My dreams desintegrated and I lost any passion I possessed. I have nothing to live for. I'm tired of the constant struggle. Of my own inadequacy, of the cruelty of humanity. I have seen many fucked up things. I have seen dead people, I grew up around violence. Like. There is nothing to look forward to. It's shit and piss.
LegaliseIt!
Elementalist
- Nov 29, 2019
- 808
Sending hugs to everyone that posted here.
So many of your thoughts struck me as being about society's sickness, which goes unexamined.
This is my profile sig, but it bears repeating:
I've fallen through the societal cracks in many ways.
Once a person has fallen through the cracks, society examines the person.
The cracks are growing.
The examination of the "fallen people" deepens.
Why is everyone ignoring the cracks?
So many of your thoughts struck me as being about society's sickness, which goes unexamined.
This is my profile sig, but it bears repeating:
I've fallen through the societal cracks in many ways.
Once a person has fallen through the cracks, society examines the person.
The cracks are growing.
The examination of the "fallen people" deepens.
Why is everyone ignoring the cracks?
shoganai
Member
- Jan 14, 2020
- 33
Life just doesn't seem worth it to me. I'm not particularly interested in living and I don't feel like I belong. Regardless of how loved I am (I have lovely friends and a good family), I still feel alone, like I'm not meant to be here.
I don't want to spend another 10+ years suffering because there's a slight chance I might feel some joy or contentment. That could be the anhedonia or the hopelessness speaking, but oh well. Right now it doesn't matter to me.
I don't want to spend another 10+ years suffering because there's a slight chance I might feel some joy or contentment. That could be the anhedonia or the hopelessness speaking, but oh well. Right now it doesn't matter to me.
2Min2Midnight
Member
- Nov 20, 2019
- 36
My reasons can be summed up by one word, hopelessness. I feel that way about basically everything, politics, the environment, economics, ideologies. Everything in the world is completely fucked and I can't see it ever improving.
hei purplemoon, now, if i dont move much, like 10-15 min walking, I dont get extremely sick; i have bearable pain, not to life with it for long time, but yes to keep fighting and not ctb asap, so thinking about ctb in short time like months weeks or days dunno. i just smoke weed all day, and take 5mg diazepam to sleep. Bbut im sure i would not tolerate a big period in the worst or even in a bad state, i mean if tough shit comes again, i dont think ill take it for much long, i think i have fought enough.
But when i say, this, "if unbearable inmediate period shit comes again ill ctb", then bad shit doesnt come, like fuck u , u keep like u are now, destiny is not gonna make easy things, it may wants me to suffer a little more
Anyway thank u
Man, im fucking laughing at ur meme profile, its so funny.
U should not care about the world, if u are good to go (no illness, have money) , just have as much fun as u can ( do the thinks u like, i personally like eating good food and smoking good weed), until u think life is not worth it anymore.
I know everyone have diferent conditions and diferent reasons that can take u to ctb, But i would not care about the world, i did not make it.
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Throwmyselfaway
Not gone yet but soon
- Jan 14, 2020
- 798
Extreme depression. Feeling worthless and like a failure. If I'm going to succeed at something it will be this.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
I don't fit in. I never felt comfortable. Extreme loneliness.
LavenderMemories
Wandering to the bus stop
- Jan 14, 2020
- 25
I sat here for a while trying to get my thoughts together to answer this question..
I would say that a lifetime of depression and anxiety has pretty much turned me into a shell of a person. I have VERY few memories in my life that are not tainted by fear or sadness. For gods sake the literal first memory I have is of the day my dad moved out of the house when my parents finally separated. My first memory is of standing on the porch of our house, watching him drive away.
The anxieties have stopped me from accomplishing much of anything in my life. I think I could have done something great if anything I tried to alleviate my mental turmoil had actually worked. I would fail projects in school because I could even get myself to stand in front of the class to present it. I would drop out of sports before they even really began because the other girls on the team were bullies of mine. I would never join clubs, go to parties, or really do anything.
This followed me to college where the depression dug its way so deep in my mind that I couldn't get out of bed. Just day after day of isolation, silence, and sadness. I ended up flunking out pretty quickly. I then moved back home and took any job I could get. A soul sucking job that I still work at to this day.
I have no friends and no relationships. My family is splintered into a thousand pieces. Mostly likely because we all suffer from mental illness that manifests in different ways, but none of us have good ways to cope.
I know I'm young. Only 25 years old.. but the time (years) and energy it would take to turn me into a functioning, healthy human being is more time than I have the energy or patience for. I can't do it and I'm not really interested in trying. I've known for a very long time that a marriage or motherhood was not in the cards for me. Its almost like I knew from a young age that ctb was inevitable.. and that's okay. I've tried talking, I've tried the meds, I've tried a lot of different things. I'm just so tired and want peace.
I would say that a lifetime of depression and anxiety has pretty much turned me into a shell of a person. I have VERY few memories in my life that are not tainted by fear or sadness. For gods sake the literal first memory I have is of the day my dad moved out of the house when my parents finally separated. My first memory is of standing on the porch of our house, watching him drive away.
The anxieties have stopped me from accomplishing much of anything in my life. I think I could have done something great if anything I tried to alleviate my mental turmoil had actually worked. I would fail projects in school because I could even get myself to stand in front of the class to present it. I would drop out of sports before they even really began because the other girls on the team were bullies of mine. I would never join clubs, go to parties, or really do anything.
This followed me to college where the depression dug its way so deep in my mind that I couldn't get out of bed. Just day after day of isolation, silence, and sadness. I ended up flunking out pretty quickly. I then moved back home and took any job I could get. A soul sucking job that I still work at to this day.
I have no friends and no relationships. My family is splintered into a thousand pieces. Mostly likely because we all suffer from mental illness that manifests in different ways, but none of us have good ways to cope.
I know I'm young. Only 25 years old.. but the time (years) and energy it would take to turn me into a functioning, healthy human being is more time than I have the energy or patience for. I can't do it and I'm not really interested in trying. I've known for a very long time that a marriage or motherhood was not in the cards for me. Its almost like I knew from a young age that ctb was inevitable.. and that's okay. I've tried talking, I've tried the meds, I've tried a lot of different things. I'm just so tired and want peace.
Nihilism and self destructing every time I get in a comfortable good spot in life.
When I want to go, and I don't always, it's usually because I feel fundamentally powerless in the world, devalued, unsafe, excluded, leading me to feel afraid, angry, lonely, and exhausted all at once, all the time. The intensity of this state leaves my temper on a hair trigger, which has a domino effect on the people around me, which feeds further into the feelings that cause it. It can last anywhere from hours to months, and when it does, I can't see any significance in the times when I'm not, and when the people around me get tired of my agitated circular complaints about things that most folks wouldn't care too much about, it seems to me that I'm doing everyone a favor by making my exit.
I have my particular triggers for it. Someone else will have others. I think the state is generally a common one, though.
I have my particular triggers for it. Someone else will have others. I think the state is generally a common one, though.
exhausted
Experienced
- Oct 22, 2019
- 253
Supersadmommy90
Student
- Sep 24, 2019
- 186
Emotional trauma from years of infertility
Relationship problems
Socially isolated and misunderstood
Body dysphoria due to hair loss
I'm just in a lot of emotional pain, I just want the pain to stop.
Relationship problems
Socially isolated and misunderstood
Body dysphoria due to hair loss
I'm just in a lot of emotional pain, I just want the pain to stop.
Conker
Specialist
- Oct 22, 2019
- 351
I would still end up choosing departure, this world is about to become a lot more polluted even for the rich.
Broken Chimera
The abyss also gazes into you
- May 27, 2019
- 972
Once you realize that rebuilding your life isn't worth it because your problems aren't just about money then ctb isn't a choice anymore, it's a necessity.
It's been going that way for a while. Too bad most can't or don't want to see it.
lostangel
Enlightened
- Mar 22, 2019
- 1,051
Strongest feeling? Well for me I feel I am too sensitive for this world. I feel that as my driving factor for suicide.
AlreadyGone
Taking it day by day
- Jan 11, 2020
- 917
Constant disappoint and the inability to be happy regardless of hard I try. I realized I am simply not meant for this world and staying here entails that I will have to endure this for decades.
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