I think once I come back from my trip I've decided that I'll really try to at least get a job to sustain my selfish desires for another couple years at least til I'm 30. Unfortunately I can't CTB this year like I so desperately wanted to for a myriad of reasons but at least now I have even more time to prepare for my inevitable demise. I feel like such an asshole for having to change my plans but I figure that I'm evil anyway so I guess the world can continue to suffer longer as long as I'm alive.
Make no mistake though, if somehow in the next two years I manage to get my heart broken again, I'm ending it right there, plans be damned. I think this sort of compromise should hopefully suffice. I spent a lot of these past few days deliberating within my own council of my mind all the possible options I have and I guess the part of me that ultimately wants to survive at the cost of innocent lives managed to win. I wish I knew of more people who would be just as disgusted as I am about the prospect of me continuing to live. So many of my friends and family are convinced that my mind is warped or that my self loathing is some kind of comedic bit or manipulative tactic meant to draw sympathy. I wish they were right because then the solution to quit that would be rather easy and realizing that would have made me stop by now.
The painful truth is that I hate myself because myself is hateable. There's no changing that. No amount of mental gymnastics is going to make the worst people objectively lovable and I often feel like the only one who knows that I belong amongst their foul ranks.
I frequently agonize over what could possibly make me love myself and the obvious solution is that it will only happen if my own male hormones and glands decide to override my thoughts and through the power of simphood, force me to ascend in order to become perfect for someone else that I am romantically interested in but of course such a high cost has made me quite the discerning buyer. My standards are too high which I fear is also incurable.
Listen to me ranting yet again about my putrid lust and wrongful desires. If someone said this shit to my face, I'd want him dead too. Anyway, I guess this is my announcement that I'm not going to die this year but I'm also going to be a lot less active here regardless from this point forward…
