Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I feel like I'm trapped. And there is no way out of here. I cry, I scream inside my head. I'm scared, I hate? I'm on the edge and I don't know if I should give up. I don't know where this pain is coming from, but today seems to be the day I get rid of it. I feel so much, so much I can't stand it. I wish there was someone who would hold on to me and just be by my side. In silence, sinking into a deeper connection...

 

[YMN]

Spoiler: ramblings of a depressed college student

I hate how my suicidal thoughts have skewed my life decisions and motivation. I have a practical exam Tuesday that will decide if I extern or not next semester. I'm in a 2-year college program (though I've been in it for 3 cuz Covid messed up my classes...) and I'm on my final classes before externship. But if I fail the practical it's an automatic fail for one of my class. So I'd have to retake it next semester and then extern in the summer. Which I obviously don't want. But at the same time all I can think about is ctb. Instead of thinking about passing my externship, I'm thinking "if I fail I'll ctb over winter break" or "i'll get a part-time job in 2022 and use the money for ctb supplies". I've hardly studied because I don't know what to study and I just get nervous and scared just thinking about Tuesday and put it off. I know I'm going to probably fail. Even if I study for it I just know I'm going to fuck up badly in front of my professors. And I just feel like a dissapointment yet again and that only makes my suicidal thoughts over. I mean I know I'm a failure in everything I do, but I still don't want to waste people's time and efforts. Which I'll do when I fail. Ugh, I should've ctb when I was 15 like I planned to.

 

[BrokenHopes]

I still have not been able to loose any of the weight I gained from this depression and binge eating.

 

[Manaaja]

What's it like to have a dad who loves you? I have so many thought of so many kinds of father whom I would want to.

1. Someone who is really really caring, open-minded, understanding, relaxed, calm but serious
2. Someone who is really funny, relaxed, open-minded
3. Someone who is really strict but also fair - and has good looks that he passed onto me. Like a beautiful long silky hair and 2,2 meter tall.

I remember when I was using the Oculus and in some kind of google maps like mode and the camera was situated high above people so it looked like I was really tall and everyone else was a child. I didn't actually feel tall, it felt more like others were really short.

 

[Thisisme373]

Exhausted, sad, lonely, anxious, I wish I could sleep and never wake up.

 

[S like suicide]

Alone and desperate...tired of crying and feeling helpless,tired of pain and lonliness

 

[nerve]

Person I live with consistently wakes me up by loudly knocking on my door and then immediately throwing it open before I have time to react. This startles me awake every time. Usually, I shout when it happens too. If I try to explain to him that it feels really bad and scary to be woken up that way, he just tells me that he already knocks and he only does it because it's the only way to wake me up.

I keep getting sad and crying over the fact that there's nothing I can do or say about this and I have to get used to being startled awake and experiencing a huge jolt of adrenaline. I know he doesn't care. I just have to keep reminding myself he doesn't care and there's no good reason for anyone to care about what I think or feel. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. It doesn't matter and he doesn't care. If I wanted someone to care, I should have tried being better. He doesn't care.

 

[Manaaja]

I really agree with people who say "Fuck reddit". OP made a post, lots of people made posts supporting them, I make a long thoughtful post supporting the OP and some idiot comes, doesn't even read my post, and blah blahs something really unrelated and stupid and pretentious. I literally thought they were a stupid troll who spams hate messages but after checking their profile, they are not.

I feel that every time I make a long high IQ I get some idiot to spam retarted shit at me. Because whenever I post a short low-effort post such as "Lol, idiots" I never get any hate. Fucking stupid shitty system. The better my post, the more effort, IQ and time I put in it, the more downvotes and shitty hateful replies, the more low-effort and shorter and stupid my post, the more upvotes and less replies.

 

[Sherri]

Worried

 

[rationaltake]

Had enough had enough had enough

 

[Noctis]

Honestly? Content. This is my first day on this site. I wrote a whole post about why I want to kill myself. No one posted the suicide hotline number. No one told me "It gets better." No one offered empty platitudes. Everyone said I don't deserve to feel this way, and they were sympathetic.

I've never had that before. I cried so much. And now I feel content.

 

[odradek]

Attempting to parse my thoughts right now is breaking my brain. I just can't, with everything.

 

[KTbear]

Like I don't want to do anything except lie here indefinitely even though I haven't taken a shower in a few days and have almost no clean laundry.

 

[needingpeace24]

Trying extremely hard to get through the next couple weeks without ruining this time of year for everyone permanently. This time of night is the worst for me. Think about checking out non stop. I'm just ready to go.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Like I've never felt more lonely. I'm so tired of feeling this pain. But if I'm still here, this means it's not enough pain. Means there's more to come.

 

[Manaaja]

I felt excitement for the first time in ages. I saw a Dark Souls 3 face reveal video (what the characters look like behind their helmets and hoods), and there was this one character who looked really intimidating and cool with his helmet on, and I kept thinking "Will he look like a human? Or will he look like a hollowed? Or will he look like a dragon? Or what will he look like?".

I was watching a video about a motivation, and I thought, if he can do it, I can too! Then I remembered he is probably NT with great parents, nice relatives, lots of good friends, a loving spouse or gf/bf, great body, etc. A total opposite of me.

My path will always lead to death. Make my wish true and give me good parents. Okay, now I'm still struggling with being non-NT in an NT world. Now people and I are on the same wavelength and I have friends, but I still hate my body. Wow, I got a great body magically. But my relatives can be really assholish sometimes, oh, now they apologized and are nice suddenly. Great, now I need a spouse. Wow, a spouse from the Heavens! What else, oh shit! I don't want to work! OMg, I became a millionaire! Yeay!

See? See how many magical miracles would have to happen for me to not ctb? It's not only about the money, I'd suicide if I was a milloinaire. It's not only about friends and a spouse, I'd ctb if I had a loving spouse and 10 good friends too. It's not only about the body, even if I looked like Prime Brad Pitt I'd still ctb. It's not only about being non-NT, I'd still choose the path of ctbing.

I have actually feared that I will win in (a literal) lottery. Because if I got the money, I'd try to cope by buying a nice house, dogs, maybe a horse, moving to another country, buying stuff that I have always wanted like a 1000 dollar GPU, but I'd still feel empty and unfulfilled. It wouldn't undo that there's a pair of murderers that killed my dog. It wouldn't undo that I'm lonely. It wouldn't undo that I wish I could get the assistants and other helpers back without fear of getting thought jailed. It wouldn't undo that I wish my friends lived nearer.

I pray, I pray, I keep praying that my parents go away. Yet they are still here, too near. I keep praying that my dog, my friends, my older assistants were here, but they are not, they are not.

 

[dropintheocean]

I'm happy...aa happy you can be in such situations why we are here.

I can't describe things detailled to cover the one(s) who's/are helping me but dignitas would accept me.
They wrote that the final day could be in weeks or till a year.
But as you know you need a doctor by your side. If that works I'll know end of this month but it looks good.

That would push a rock of my shoulders...

Hi, may I ask did Dignitas accept you for VAD?

 

[rationaltake]

Can't. Won't. Don't. Need to go. Just had it. Leave me alone. Don't expect.

 

[Seaghost]

Hi, may I ask did Dignitas accept you for VAD?

My psychologist dicided I didn't used all posibilities. So this way is blocked...for now....sadly

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

That feeling struck again, I missed him. Now and always. I hate this. Why did I meet him? Why he has to be so similar to me, someone with whom it was so easy to be with. I hope every day that the situation changes ... It doesn't change. And I will never get rid of him completely. And he's clearly not me. So is this what it is now? Who wins here? Why does fate throw a person In front of you at the wrong time? It's so unfair. And how fast everything can go wrong, absurd. It would be easier for me to cut off all contact with him so I could forget, but I expect him to do it. He won't do it, probably never. I don't feel romantic feelings for him anymore, I guess. I do not know. I miss a friend. However, I don't want to be in this situation for another year if I still live. I still remember that connection ... Torture.

 

[st031998]

I feel like I never belonged to this world, I'm just an empty body

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Been feeling awful since Friday and have pretty much been in bed ever since. I've been out of bed for maybe ten minutes when you put it all together. Just been laying here with my cat, crying.

I'm tired of not having the right to feel how I feel. Tired of hurting people every damn day. I want to say I'm tired of people hurting me too, but that puts the responsibility on them. It should solely be on myself. No one else. It's not anyone's fault or problem that I'm such a sensitive bitch.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Wish I could support my friends. It's a tough time of year for everyone and I imagine they're feeling worse because it's Christmas time. But I'm getting too selfish and caught up in my own "pain". My friends deserve better.

 

[Onkyo74893]

I feel like shit today and got little accomplished. I think I have a sleep phase disorder so in the morning it's just hell. I can't get moving or mindfuck myself into it lol! I felt so insecure today about everything it sucked. I bleached my hair and getting ready to dye some pink into it :) I guess that gave me a tiny bit of joy. Different hair to look at. I did shower, brush teeth, eat.

As long as you give yourself some self care, there is hope!

 

[Niko66]

I hate myself, I hate that I don't fit in, I hate that I have my illnesses and I hate that I have my life. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be loved. I wanted a good life. Why am I so much less than others. I am so tired. I don't want to work tomorrow, I don't want to deal with life anymore. I tried shrooms because I heard they can help with mental illness and I hoped just maybe they would but I feel the same as ever, it only made me even more aware of how different and distant I am from everyone. I am not fit for this world.

 

[liberty_222]

Tired and sleepy

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Just want to die

 

[lost_ally]

Numb. No hope.

 

[http-410]

I managed to get up after lying around for two hours and feel pretty suicidal. It feels like the sky is falling down on me, crushing me. Sleep is broken, too many thoughts are in my head and I feel too bad to fall or stay asleep. It's unbearable to be awake, but I can't escape it. Every second feels like being beaten to a cripple. It's hard to kill time without considering killing myself.

Besides, I'm hungry.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Today is six years since the event that led me down this path in the first place. A road that has made it impossible to sincerely mature or grow in any meaningful way because I just don't like to move on without anywhere to move to. How can you expect me to change lanes when I just can't see the other lanes beside me? I wonder how she is doing today? It's been almost five years since I last talked to her and ended our friendship because it was driving me even more insane. She begged me not to kill myself back then and I honored her wishes to a certain point. I never told her I would break my promise if I turned 30 and was still far from ever being in a relationship.

After the events of last year with the girl from SS, I decided to move my CTB date up until next year when I'm 28 and as that approaches I couldn't be happier. Sure, fate is trying its hardest to make me feel guilty but I won't let it. I can't bear another second of being alive without ever having had anyone to love who loves me back so I should be getting a damn medal for holding out for another six months or so. I've decided I will probably kill myself after I see Jurassic World Dominion which comes out in June but before I can get to see Across the Spider-Verse Part 1 which comes out in October. I just have to hold out for that long and then I can finally be free from my own prison.