Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dark Moon]

I'm still empty.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly not know wat do no able do any

 

[anxiousmess0471]

Like a failure, like a disappointment. I feel like I should have never been born. I am nothing but a burden to my family. I hope one day I can relieve them of that burden.

 

[moshimoshi]

Full of soup

 

[Soon.]

Too tired to function, not tired enough to sleep

 

[Promised Heaven]

Kinda wonder what it would be like to be in a sensory deprivation tank.

Just, to lose myself, yet be safe. To not percieve life yet be alone with my thoughts, but professionally

I don't want to die, I just want to escape reality for a little bit to refresh my mind, sleeping isn't enough.

 

[february in alaska]

sometimes feels like this is all in my own head, this elaborate dream or simulation or whatever. but it's too detailed. and boring. and meaningless

nobody else on this entire planet can prove to me that they're actually alive and real. I've only ever seen this world from my own perspective with my own brain and thoughts. never anyone else's. I'm the world's shittiest main character drifting through a universe of npcs. it's lonely like I'm playing a single player game and I've run out of new dialogue options. I already know how it ends

 

[Felodese]

Like there is black hole of pain inside of me.
Like it's too late to fix anything. That it can't be fixed anyway.
That I have no idea what I'm doing. Don't know why I keep going to therapy, when I don't believe in it.
That I should give up and just die already.

 

[moshimoshi]

Its so hard not to hate myself. I wonder if i even deserve to breath or be alive or recover or do anything.
Im scared that Ive been posting too much on this forum and if its annoying. I feel like i don't even deserve this safe space or to be able to talk here.
I feel disgusted when i hear myself talk or think. I feel like im a vile horrible person. I feel like im unwanted where im currently living, like im a leech and a burden. I dont even know who i am. If im even a good person at all or if i can become one. Am I just subconsciously just a useless attention seeking waste of space

 

[billie]

I want to leave this world

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

I wish I had a family to fall back on :(

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm tripping and really bored right now.

 

[Promised Heaven]

After debating, I recently got 2 mg THC gummies. I never consumed THC before, and I keep looking that 2 mg should not impair me. Honestly want to get impaired, but I know addiction can follow from it. Taking 2 mg should perk me up and make me more creative and upbeat. I have tomorrow off, but I don't feel like taking it then because I need to do other things. I need a full day alone.

I desperately want to be impaired but I also want to keep it rational. I don't want to be addicted, and I've quit alcohol already. I don't know. I just am in so much pain I just want to be in between full alertness and psychosis. I want to get this suffering to go away but I don't want to make the final decision to end my life. I don't have any hope, this is possibly the main way I can keep myself from CTBing. I need to not percieve, but still be alive. I can't let anyone down. I can't.

I can't take this gummies yet, but being sober sucks.

 

[FakeSmileGuy]

I feel like I am a failure. I don't think i will succeed, I've already fucked so much up it's unbelievable.

I hate the person I am, I wish there was a button I could push to make me someone better.

I can't do that, what I can do is make everything stop. I want it all to stop.

Honestly want to get impaired, but I know addiction can follow from it.

Dude don't worry about getting addicted. Weed is not addictive, it's addictive the way potato chips are. You can stop any time, no withdrawal no symptoms, definitely way easier to quit than alcohol, but damn, chips are good.

Sorry about how you feel :( hopefully those 2mgs get you nice and stoned

 

[moshimoshi]

I feel very sad right now. I just got done sobbing for like 30 mins straight, it felt good but scary at the same time
It felt good to cry

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I found a book at the bookstore called "Suicide Notes" by someone named Michael Thomas Ford. I've only just started reading but I'm curious as to when it turns all pro-life because it's apparently pretty highly rated according to online reviews. It's just about some kid in a psych ward so hopefully at the very least this book will give me enough knowledge to combat a real psych ward if I eventually have to be committed to one.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

Spoiler: tw ed, emetophobia

my stomach feels so gross. i ate way too much at dinner, we had nachos but only my mum and i were eating them and she only had like a quarter of it so i finished it bc i hate wasting food but holy shit am i regretting it. i tried to purge afterwards but the texture of it coming back up my throat was so horrible i started crying, probably an autism sensory issue. never had that problem before. my stomach wont shut up and i just feel so bloated and gross, my torso is so fucking warm i hate it. i think i went way over my limit today, im not accurately counting calories im just kind of guessing bc its hard to know for certain without measuring servings and i dont have the energy for that shit rn, im just rounding up to stop me eating too much. the good thing about this recent relapse is im not as obsessed with food as i used to be, it used to be all i thought about the entire time i was conscious, but i can distract myself now and smoking actually seems to curb the hunger sometimes which it never used to. i always felt like such a failure bc of that.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I found a book at the bookstore called "Suicide Notes" by someone named Michael Thomas Ford. I've only just started reading but I'm curious as to when it turns all pro-life because it's apparently pretty highly rated according to online reviews. It's just about some kid in a psych ward so hopefully at the very least this book will give me enough knowledge to combat a real psych ward if I eventually have to be committed to one.

Man, what a waste of time. It turns out that the only reason he wanted to kill himself was just that he's gay. I mean I can also relate to wanting to kill your self for being rejected but unfortunately I'm not gay. At least if I was gay then I wouldn't have to be an incel. Also the author even admits at the end of the book that his depiction of a psych ward is somewhat fictionalized so it won't even help. I better make sure to include a section about me being perfectly clear that I'm straight in my own suicide notes lest people get the wrong idea.

 

[jujujr]

I think this is the only place in the world I can be for real, I feel truly dead inside. I just want someone by my side to support me.

 

[moshimoshi]

Today I've been feeling really depressed. I don't know if anyone else experiencing this but when I get depressed all of my surroundings seems so gross. Like there's this looming horrible wretched feeling coating every single move I make and everything I perceive. Also everything smells gross, it's really weird and only happens when depression is weighing rlly heavy. My body feels so heavy like I'm carrying a 50 pound weight. The color drains out of my surroundings and a dark wave closes in, surrounding my existence with putrid agony

 

[eatantz]

I feel ashamed and embarrassed about not wanting to work. My anxiety is so bad that loads of part time jobs are impossible for me to do e.g. waitress. When I say impossible I mean I can't even make it to an interview. I feel abnormal and frustrated I just wish I was normal so I could fit into this society, but my fear of people makes it exceptionally difficult

 

[Promised Heaven]

I had a 2 hour "cuddle session" with my plushie with jazz music in the background. It was embarrassing and overwhelming. I was really stressed and all I did was hug him, held his hand, and carass the back of the head but I struggled so much because it kept reminding me of my SA, as if I was doing the same to a stuffed animal (even though I'm 99% sure I'm not). Intamacy is terrifying because I don't know what is "good touch" and I'm afraid I'm doing something wrong. But it felt good, I both felt amazing and stressed. I feel guilty. I just want. To be okay.

I am so tempted to hire someone to do it to me for real. I have the funds, I know where it's legal. I don't know what is healthy for touch. I feel lost. This is all because of a stuffed animal, I should of just broke my sobriety and got myself some vodka. God I'm pathetic.

 

[Denza]

I feel alone
I cant find any distractions from this feeling and everything else ive done to somewhat overpower it feels meaningless now.

Tryna come to terms with the fact that pretty much noone outside these forums will ever understand how it feels, which makes any form of "help" from other people useless in that regard.

I just want someone, anyone to understand.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Man, what a waste of time. It turns out that the only reason he wanted to kill himself was just that he's gay. I mean I can also relate to wanting to kill your self for being rejected but unfortunately I'm not gay. At least if I was gay then I wouldn't have to be an incel. Also the author even admits at the end of the book that his depiction of a psych ward is somewhat fictionalized so it won't even help. I better make sure to include a section about me being perfectly clear that I'm straight in my own suicide notes lest people get the wrong idea.

Well... It looked like it would be good from the title. I guess other people like it. Thanks for the info.
I don't really have time to read it anyway.
I don't ever want to see the inside of a psych ward. I think you get the truth from the members here.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't ever want to see the inside of a psych ward. I think you get the truth from the members here.

Yeah, that's true. I actually know three people close to me who've also been to a ward but none of them and no one from here has ever written a whole entire book about being in a psych ward…that I'm aware of…

 

[moshimoshi]

Very horrible. I couldn't get my meds AND when I came home my bathroom flooded. I feel scared and alone. I want to be hugged and held so badly, I want to be cuddled. And I overdosed on Benadryl and the side effects are making me feel really weird

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Yeah, that's true. I actually know three people close to me who've also been to a ward but none of them and no one from here has ever written a whole entire book about being in a psych ward…that I'm aware of…

I'm sure there are books. Probably not from anyone here. If someone from here had a failed attempt, they may still be there. I have read posts about it though.

 

[cruelexistence]

Lonely. Sadistic. Sad.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I might actually start planning the basic root foundations to CTB. Ultimately, I think hanging is what would work best for me.

But, I don't know. My SI is high. I feel like I'll regret it or back out with careful planning. I have small hopes to continue living, and I don't think I can attempt unless I have zero purpose in existing.

No matter what, I will never reach out for help, ever. I have zero trust in the mental health system and I would rather die then see a therapist. My friends should not see me like this, and I've been failing to hide it. If I ever end up in the ER again, I will drop all my hope and just CTB when I get home.

I'm not happy, every day is numb, the healing I've done since joining SaSu has actually made me less suicidial, but now I just feel like I lack purpose. Even if I had my dream scenario of being comforted, or even a girlfriend, it won't help erase that I was SA'd. I ruined my teen years by being SA'd. The emotional agony isn't going away, and I only have myself to blame.

People love to say they support awareness of mental illness but be disgusted at people who struggle to regulate emotion, people who can't communicate properly, people who are suicidial, etc.

I don't want to die, I'm scared. But I feel like I need to die. It's the only way I can see an end even though I know that isn't the case for me. I feel trapped, hopeless, like I set myself up to go out this way.

 

[billie]

The driver who didn't see me crossing the street should have just run me over