I dunno, I just feel like I'm just an anxiety riddled puppet, I don't feel like I have any autonomy because of it. Even that it just a scattered thought among a brain that doesn't slow down, and because of that I can't remember to do that littlest fucking things and I hate myself for it. It makes me feel trapped and worthless, and I can't even form a coherent thought and keep on track with anything unless it's something I LOVE. I hate it, I feel so fucking useless because I also can't even go out in public a lot of the time without being anxious and feeling like someone is going to hurt me, which manifests outwardly into very visible panic and people stare at me and avoid me. I feel like I'm going to die when this happens, I feel like somehow the man who assulted me is going to show up at any second, his voice is forever stained in my memory. It's actually why I quit my last job after such a short amount of time, because my supervisor sounded exactly like him. I feel like a slave to the intrusive thoughts and auditory hallucinations, I feel less like a human and more like a frightened animal. I wish I could find a psychiatrist that won't just try and sedate me so I won't have the energy to be anxious, or anything else for that matter.
Not to mention I get in my own head about those little things that I forget and it causes me to spiral, even if it doesn't mean anything to anyone else, more specifically the people I live with. I forgot to unload the dishwasher? I'm the actual worst. I forgot to refill the water filter? I am the most lazy bastard to even exist. I try and try yet it feels like an uphill battle with myself that is at a sharp 90 degree incline. I just can't win.
Sorry this reads so disjointed, i cant think straight.
